It is so hard this time of year, every year I start with out with the best of intentions of celebrating De's life but the truth is death over shadows it all. The utter failure that completely consumes my heart is just truthfully indescribable. The best way I have found is your heart becomes so full of grief and anguish the only thing left to do is scream because if not it feels as if your heart will surely explode.
Five years I have struggled with the guilt of being a horrible mom, to knowing in my heart that it was me who was calling her at that exact moment, knowing my life has amounted to not much of anything since she has been gone, filled with sadness and fat. Yes I consider my weight a failure, because I had been fighting so long before the accident and I just gave up and now I can't seem to get over the hill of piled on pounds again. She wouldn't be proud. People tell me all the time she would be.. she wouldn't. I failed her in so many ways in life and in death. There is no way to fix it.
I still hear the words of that woman who came to my mothers house saying my mom was the only mother Deanna knew, that she never understood why I didn't love her or want her and just basically how horrible of a human being I was. They echo.. over and over .. even all these years later. I asked my mother once if she thought Deanna actually said those things. She said yes... that is was probably about attention but chances are she said it. All those years I didn't think they ever felt unwanted, I did what I did so they would have better not because they weren't wanted but because I wanted better for them than me.
This failing at life thing didn't just start 5 years ago, I am pretty sure it started 46 years ago. Can you imagine hating yourself so badly that there are more moments than not that you feel like you deserve this broken heart. That you have messed up so much in life that this is your punishment. That you suck as a daughter, a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend so badly that instead of being able to just die and have it all melt away that this... this is your lot. The endless am I going to make it through today without a melt down? How much longer can I fake this smile? Can I even pretend anymore? I have learned to hide it so well I don't even think the closest even see the cracks and breaks anymore. How much more can my heart hurt?
Yesterday I lashed out at someone that I swore I would not, for weeks and weeks now I have watched as something so minor was blown into full on tragedy and even as I explained that no she was incredibly blessed and to please reconsider when posting anything short of her multitudes of blessings and the memories she is making with her children and to stop tarnishing it with minor set backs as life altering and ending events. I was met with that she didn't share the gruesome details ... gruesome details? You want gruesome... imagine the images in my head. Imagine the video of made up moments as your child spends her last minutes, string them together and load them into your brain on repeat with no pause. No way to make it stop and knowing that ultimately it was your fault. I don't want your pity.. I want you to wake up and see what is in front of you, if you don't.. yet another failure.
I realize some people look at where I am today versus 15 years ago and think.. wow that is some change. Look her lovely house.. her nice car.. her bills are paid. I would trade it all to have the kids back. I would live in a card board box to be able to go back and just be the mom they needed. To be the friend to people who needed. To be the daughter .. sister.. just to change who I am because this me.. she is nothing.
Some have said I should write a book.. I am not sure what it would be about. How to fail at grief? How to just stay stuck in self hatred and guilt?
So here I am .. another year approaching. 5 without my beautiful amazing daughter. Without her voice, her hugs, or her laugh. Another year I am failing her. How do you celebrate a life when your heart is so shattered?