You guys remember last week when I was telling you about the book Fit Gurl? Well I DEVOURED IT. I have always had self help books grab my attention from the cover but then when I started reading been very disappointed that inside was not a magical spell of mental wellness. I mean I paid $20 for this thing and read the first chapter I should feel better right??? Nevermind I didn't put any work in and I was half heartedly reading. As I look back on it now I was so closed off from everything, including my own inner being, that the words were nothing more than that, ink on a page, with no magic in them.
That is the thing with words for me, they hold magic. As I write I can feel hard emotions leaving, or the warmth of the softer ones in my heart. As I read I feel the words, they have tastes and smells and emotions and .. I could go on but you get the point. Before Deanna's accident, (I am not skirting the outcome of that by saying accident, i know the outcome, the word accident is just gentler, kinder, softer) I had always been a reader, I read each and every day usually before bed. In the last 8 years I bet I have not fully read 20 books. There have been a few that captured me and catapulted me back to a time and place that there was no tragedy but they were few and far between. When I ordered Fit Gurl last week I admit I was skeptical, but I also knew that it was loaded full of workouts so it would not go unused. I was so pleasantly surprised when from the first word I felt it! The words, they were alive.
This morning when I woke up I was longing for something to read, something that would help me stay on the positive momentum. A self help book if you will. I goggled "The best book for recovering from the loss of a child" and low and behold the 3rd book over is the same exact book that a friend offered me like 6 months ago! Some how the book never made if from point a to point b (it likely has everything to do with that hole I was in the middle of digging) but I have reached out this morning to see if it is still available. I can't help but wonder about the timing as I think of this, 6 months ago the would have been ink and paper, today I feel like they will be full of feeling and help! In the mean time I have ordered a different book that also came up when I googled books on dealing with the unexpected, it will be here Tuesday.
Yesterday something unexpected happened. It was a good thing, there was truly no bad in it at all. It SHOULD have been filled with gratitude, happiness and excitement. Instead it was full of anxiety, tears, and questions.. soooo many questions. I described this sudden shift and the others that have presented themselves in my life in the last 11 years as "waking up in alternate universes". It is like going to sleep at night, and waking up and everything is the same, but it is all different and you don't know the rules anymore. I frankly do not deal with it well, even when the shift is one filled of miracles. There is a chance that I have been this way all my life, let's not ask my mom about that.. I am going to stick with 11 years. The point is, I SAW IT, I knew instantly what I was feeling and why, which in of itself was a small miracle. So here I am, knowing how I feel, knowing why I feel the way I feel, but having no idea what to do with any of it but unpack it quietly and try to piece together what the next step is.
I feel like I am ready for some magic, so help me out here people! What are some books that truly touched you or helped you? Even fiction holds magic so don't be concerned about the type of book, just fill up the comments with your go tos!
To close today a couple of shoutouts: If you have not read my friends Michelle Young-Stone's books... do so.. now! They are full of delicious magic, and Lost in the Beehive had me begging for more. If you are looking for action and local Mathews tid bits and locations go grab Bill Johnson's new book The Silent Siege, it is a page turner! I think it is kinda of cool that I know published authors. I had a 2 degree seperation from VC Andrews who happened to spell bind me in the early 80's, along with the Sweet Valley High Twins and the Stephen King and other assorted not for 10 year old's authors I "borrowed" from under my mom's bed. But I think the coolest is actually knowing who wrote the words.
Please Love and Light