I know I know I said I was not going to do this but it is rainy (thank goodness) and cloudy so while sipping my coffee I thought I would drop a few lines (Ok a LOT of lines but this is soooooo worth it!!!)
Over the past few days I have seen and had shared with me different quotes on trying, giving up, keeping going, not quitting. I believe it is the universe ensuring I know to stay my course! As I look back over past experiences, thirty pounds is about my limit before I go off the rails. That is when I start feeling better usually, no real shocker there, but what is shocking to me is that I usually end up stopping. I feel so much better from losing the 30 lbs that... one order of ice cream won't hurt, that burger you have been really wanting.. eat the bun, CHIPS and salsa, and before I know it I am so far in left field that I have no idea what is going on in the right field until I am completely and totally miserable yet again.
The WORSE thing about all of this is how much MORE weight I packed on this time. So many circumstances came into play, Covid, depression, missing my OBX family and team mates, cooking like a rock star so dad would not lose anymore weight.. we have been through all of the dominoes that led me to my highest weight ever before, nothing new to report. We all know what happened, I gave up. I gave up on everything.. but giving up on myself was the worst.
I sent a text on Thursday night to my Seeeessster.. "I hate my body" the day before I refused to allow another one of the earth angels to post a photo of me because I was doing a wall sit and my body puddles like ... hmmm how do I describe it.. lets just say it is AWFUL ( I didn't even look at the photo or ask her for it.. it's THAT BAD) I stood in the mirror yet again Tuesday night picking apart all of the things wrong with me and the list was so long. My face is old, I have wrinkles, my inner thighs are like that jello mold thing that has cheese in it but if it didn't set up right, my arms are like bat wings (just call me Batwoman!) my ankles look like cankles, my stomach resembles that of a woman pregnant with twins but with loose flabby skin, let's not even talk about the boobs.. the southern migration is real people. As badly as I want to be proud, and I am for a few fleeting moments here and there.. I am not at all happy in this body. It is not where I want to live, in order to change that I absolutely MOST keep on keeping on, but I need to change my thoughts too.
This morning my Sisper sent me a text bright and early (really early for her if I think about it) anyhoooo.. it said "If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started. And when I started I was desperately wishing to be where I am now!" in that moment bells and whistles went off like gang busters! DO NOT QUIT RE!!!! Seriously you bozo.. KEEP GOING. You are not where you want to be yet, but heavens knows you definitely were NOT there then!!!
I am a little all over the place this morning, sorry. Please just BARE/BEAR with me.. even after research this week I am still unsure which instance works there.. at this point it is just comical. Mrs McDaniel would not be happy with me at all. Do we have any English majors in the house to help with this?
Yesterday morning, I was scrolling through some photos while making a video and I saw a photo I forgot I had taken. My thumb stopped its descent and I sat there looking at that photo in horror. It was taken almost exactly a year ago. (like 10 days off from a year) My brain went whirling and I was trying to think if my memory was playing tricks on me, I was sure I had those pjs on just this past week, could that really be true?
Full disclosure here: These pics are very hard for me to post for multiple reasons, in fact I shared them with only my closest of people, those that I know will hold my truth as gently as I would. Please don't come at me .. if there is something negative you think of my posts.. PLEASE I BEG YOU keep it to yourself, I am actually sitting here in tears at the moment.. I am that scared to post these. So why do it Re, why post something so damn personal? Because I have to. I vowed to be open, honest and completely unadulterated about this journey and this is just some of the ugliness of it. So there it is .. in all of it's glory. Horrific photos of me and how far I still have to go, but LOOK how far I have come!
I went and found those pjs, they were right on top because they were freshly laundered which meant that I did in fact have them on. I put them on again and ... holy crap... i DID have them on and they DIDN'T fit anything like in that photo. I took the pics to really see... again holy crap! I then scrolled through Facebook to find where I had posted around that time, obviously if I taken the photo I was at least aware of my size and weight, I found it. In that photo I weigh.. are you ready for this... 11 lbs more than I do right now. 11 lbs. Which means I put on ANOTHER 20 POUNDS on top of that!!! Seriously... Here I am looking at those pics and I am proud of that work I have been putting in these last 3 months. It's been hard work, but fun work. It's been rewarding. It's a journey that I absolutely want to continue.
I desperately want to be better than where I am right now. I desperately wanted to be where I am right now just a few short months ago. The key I believe, is realizing that it just doesn't happen overnight, that it takes the hard work, that to reach your big goal you have to celebrate the little goals of winning a battle but don't take them as winning the war, and march off guns down only to be defeated by your own complacence. I could literally look at those pic and think to myself "DAMN!!!! LOOK AT THAT!!! You are looking soooooo much better. Enjoy yourself!" and that is exactly when the guard goes down and the enemy swoops in and takes your flag. But... it is also in accepting where you are, how hard you are working, and loving the body that you are in at the moment, the one who still has bat wings but you can see the muscles, the one that has wrinkles, but isn't a bloated mess, the one that may have jello mold legs, but aren't the super size tub from Sam's Club anymore, the tatas... I don't think there is any hope for those (hahahahaha) the one that is working so hard at being better! Hating on myself is not getting one step closer to where I want to be, in fact it completely and totally sets off a change reaction that ends in defeat. It is something that I absolutely need to work on.
Oddly enough right in the middle of writing this my earth angel posted another quote "You can't hate yourself into a version of yourself that you love." I am telling you the universe is talking to me, and when that happens it usually means that the universe wants me to share it.. so here I am.. sharing it. Why? Because I want to be the reason that YOU don't give up. I want for you to see that even though it is hard, it is worth it. Even though loving ourselves is insanely difficult that we absolutely must!
Breaking news.. I just got ANOTHER text... from ANOTHER person.. NOT KIDDING
"You wouldn't plant a see and then dig it up every few minutes to see if it has grown. So why do you keep questioning yourself, your hard work, and your decisions? Have patience, stop overthinking, and keep watering your seeds!"
I was actually going to write about rain today and how it was needed for things to grow but veered off course a bit, but now is a good time to bring it in. We have desperately needed rain recently, it has been so dry that our poor plants and gardens have been absolutely parched.. begging for relief even. Isn't that us when we deprive ourselves of words of love and encouragement? Do we not put ourselves in our own sort of drought? Aren't the awful hateful words we speak to ourselves the sun and heat glaring down scorching everything in sight? The words we speak to ourselves should be the rain needed to grow, there is absolutely enough heat from the outside world! We should speak kind words to ourselves in droplets, because even too much rain can be harmful, so a balance is definitely needed. Let's think about the little plants again, how thirsty they have been, and how good that rain must have felt to them last night, are those plants going to wake up this morning and say "Ohhh we got rain! It feels so good. Ok we got what we needed let's just stop growing here, no need to grow any more" Of course not and we shouldn't either! We need to take those droplets and use them to grow and bloom! Those droplets of self love should also chase away any harm done by that scorching self hate. Take those droplets, be strong, be brave, be confident and most of all.. KEEP GROWING!
Signing off with this today, Hey you.. I see you. I do see the hard work you are putting in and it is PAYING OFF!! You are are amazing. You are MY inspiration. You keep me motivated and on course. You are absolutely beautiful just the way you are but I am fully supporting you on this journey to where you want to be. To be the you that you need to be for you! You are loved... I love you.
Peace Love and Light