I guess I will start with this morning, Today like many times over the last few years I was asked why I do this? This being the getting up at 4:30 am to either freeze or sweat my ass off, putting my body in a perpetual state of soreness, and all around torturing myself as my mother says. I do it to live like I am living instead of living like I am dying. That has been my answer for 3 years now. There is significance in that 3 years that will come to light in a bit. You see for 5 and a half years now my world has been shadowed in a cloud of dark and meaninglessness and for those few minutes, surrounded by a team of amazing people, even though it hurts, or maybe because it hurts, I feel a spark of life.
Yes, it hurts, working out hurts when you are fat. I am 228 pounds of fat in case you were wondering, you probably weren't but that number has significance too so just hold on. Technically everything hurts when you weigh more than you are supposed to. Walking, sitting, sleeping, just living physically hurts. I lack control in the food and alcohol department, I think a professional would call it self medication, I call it being a pig (I am not very nice to myself sometimes)
Side Note: I am sharing this once again not for attention, but in hopes that I can help just one person, somewhere, not feel as alone as I feel at times.
In that dark and meaningless state I speak of there are feelings, hurt, anger, guilt, sadness. In the food and alcohol is a quiet. A peace. The moment before that sip touches your lips the brain's focus is solely on how it is going to warm your throat and soften shrills pain. The second before the bite touches your taste buds there is an explosion of anticipation of how glorious it is going to taste and how momentarily the sadness is forgotten. I self pigged myself to gaining 70 lbs in 2 and a half years. Every moment of those years I lived like I was dying, because there was no life worth living. I won't sit here and tell you that this year I am going to lose all the weight and be skinny and happy, because the truth is I have not found the answer to breaking the cycle. I know there is one out there and when I find it I will be sure to scream it from the roof tops. I know my answer is not in spending lots of money on processed prepacked foods, or in meetings and weigh ins, if it had been I wouldn't be here now. What I can tell you in the last 3 years when I started working out to "Live like I was living" I have not gained anymore and I have lost about 12 pounds that I have managed to keep off.
In trying to better myself, I am firm believer in bettering ones self, even if that one self doesn't necessarily give a rats ass if they see tomorrow. Yes, this particular one self still deals and fights through suicidal thoughts and feelings, just ask Todd he is the one that has to deal with it more than anyone, as he tries with all his might to keep my feet some what grounded in the here and now. I have a cleaver way of hiding it from most humans, simply because I don't want to burden or scare the ones that are closest to me and why bother the ones that don't really care. Todd, though, it is kinda hard to hide it from the one person who consistently sees when you fail at the one thing that has been giving you spark. Fail is a bad word, I am not failing at it, just when the darkness takes over I lack motivation or determination and I fall behind. People ask me all the time why I work out with him, well my heartfelt personal only answer is, I have worked out with numerous people and trainers, and he has been the only one to face and tackle head on the fact sometimes I have a death wish. It's one of those hard things to face and it is even harder to know how to help, I don't for granted that he throws himself out there and tries to make sure I make it to tomorrow on the worst of days.
Boy that was a detour, ok back on track here, in trying to better myself I have been reading the book "Girl, Wash your Face" and so far I would recommend this book to every woman I know from 15 to 100! There are so many pages that just resonate right down to my core, but the one that rocked me complete is here.
It is time to create dreams and goals that have meaning.
Goals that have more depth than, I am just going to maintain.
Dreams that have longer than today in connection.
It is time to be truly be brave and face that darkness is a demon to be defeated and not one to snuggle and make friends with.
I have to really think about what life is supposed to look like now, what goals make sense to dust off, which need to be left in the past.
For now, for today, my goal was to work out hard, to push myself, for those 75 minutes this morning before the world woke up to just let the spark take over. I think I succeeded.
Love and Peace