... that I have a horrible time believing in myself!
Good Morning my loves! How are you today? No really... how are you? I would love to hear from you. If there is something you want to talk about, vent about, feeling eh about.. I am here. Please know I am HERE.. right on the other end of your keyboard, phone screen, coffee shop table.. I am here. I also again want to thank each and every one of you. It is hard to relay my gratitude to everyone individually because so many have touched this journey through messages, comments, walking right up and saying.. "Hey I see you!" It truly has been incredible. Someone reminded me yesterday that I COULD have done this without anyone, that I had it in me to do, but my response was.. maybe, doubtful, but maybe.. doesn't matter because I wouldn't want to do it without them or any of you! You all make my life better! (even you that thinks your secretly lurking .. I know you are there... hey.. you.. I love you too.) I seriously appreciate each of you!!
So what is up with my belief in myself? Honestly, I think it is due to so many years being in that pit of darkness, that I thought all there was left of life was failure. I was holding on so hard to the belief that I failed the kids that everything became painted in this awful ugly nasty coating of no belief paint. Some of it's shady shades were "No you can't" "You will always be fat" "You will never be strong again" "You will never run again, you are always going to be so slow" "No one is going to love you" "You are bat shit crazy" "There is no joy left" "You are a loser" "You know your friends only tolerate you because they feel sorry for you". My pit of darkness was painted in so many different shades of this nastiness I could give OPI a run for it's money! The good news... paint stripper and remover comes in all shapes sizes and strengths!
I am going to give you a couple of examples. Yesterday I posted about my half mile being my fastest to date coming in at under 11 minutes. Even though I had talked about it the night before that I was having a hard time believing it and had fiddled with my watch multiple ways to disprove what I had done, and my friend said.. "STOP.. will you allow yourself to just be proud of that?" I did allow the pride but at the same time.. doubt. While this seems counter productive, it is actually a step in the right direction, before I would not even attempted the pride because it was wrong, I knew I was not capable of such things, I am a SLOW SLOW FAT runner, that kind of number even for a half mile is just not do able, and my next run would have been slower than my now normal because that is where my belief in myself had me stuck. This time I was proud of my accomplishment, even through disbelief, I think some of the paint stripper is working, but not quite enough is gone yet. I literally had to retry the same thing yesterday, in the blazing sun, in think humidity, on tired legs, at a time I am not used to trying to run.. as in just 16 hours after the last run, where I ran my fastest in years, because that is a set up for success let me tell you! Guess what, I was so darn close to that same time frame and taking into account all of the things against me, that the number from the day before was in fact true, but I had to prove it to myself, simply because I didn't believe. That Re-Run (giggle see what I did there) stripped away some of that ugly paint!
Yesterday I also posted about reaching 30 lbs in weight loss. I was excited you all saw and read that! I was tickled to death! But did I really do it. As I laid down last night to go to sleep one of my last thoughts of the evening.. I can't wait to get up in the morning to make sure I really lost the 30 lbs. I mean WHAT THE HELL people... lol. The scale isn't sitting there going.. HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE FUN.. let's show her that she lost 30 pounds but tomorrow let's show her it was a lie and bounce that back to where she stated. I truly did not believe that I could have done that. I am happy to say that this morning the scale reported in at 31 pounds gone, but I HAD TO SEE IT, simply because I didn't believe. That Re-Weigh stripped away some of that ugly paint!
What I am realizing is this, that in order for the paint to be removed completely I am going to likely have to re do things, runs at a good pace, stops on the scale, put on the jeans that literally will not stay up, on and and on, and that is ok it is a temporary fix, a bandaid if you will. At the same time I am going to have to forgive the me that painted all of those nasty shades, understand that she did the best she could with what she had to work with, and that it is ok to let her and her beliefs go, to make room for new beliefs and my new self.
Right this minute I may be crawling.. but I can promise you I will in fact soon fly!
Signing off with this, R Kelly may have been a d-bag.. but all I am hearing in my head this morning is ...
I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me,
If I can see it , then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
Hey, 'cause I believe in me
Peace Love and Light
Re
Good Morning my loves! How are you today? No really... how are you? I would love to hear from you. If there is something you want to talk about, vent about, feeling eh about.. I am here. Please know I am HERE.. right on the other end of your keyboard, phone screen, coffee shop table.. I am here. I also again want to thank each and every one of you. It is hard to relay my gratitude to everyone individually because so many have touched this journey through messages, comments, walking right up and saying.. "Hey I see you!" It truly has been incredible. Someone reminded me yesterday that I COULD have done this without anyone, that I had it in me to do, but my response was.. maybe, doubtful, but maybe.. doesn't matter because I wouldn't want to do it without them or any of you! You all make my life better! (even you that thinks your secretly lurking .. I know you are there... hey.. you.. I love you too.) I seriously appreciate each of you!!
So what is up with my belief in myself? Honestly, I think it is due to so many years being in that pit of darkness, that I thought all there was left of life was failure. I was holding on so hard to the belief that I failed the kids that everything became painted in this awful ugly nasty coating of no belief paint. Some of it's shady shades were "No you can't" "You will always be fat" "You will never be strong again" "You will never run again, you are always going to be so slow" "No one is going to love you" "You are bat shit crazy" "There is no joy left" "You are a loser" "You know your friends only tolerate you because they feel sorry for you". My pit of darkness was painted in so many different shades of this nastiness I could give OPI a run for it's money! The good news... paint stripper and remover comes in all shapes sizes and strengths!
I am going to give you a couple of examples. Yesterday I posted about my half mile being my fastest to date coming in at under 11 minutes. Even though I had talked about it the night before that I was having a hard time believing it and had fiddled with my watch multiple ways to disprove what I had done, and my friend said.. "STOP.. will you allow yourself to just be proud of that?" I did allow the pride but at the same time.. doubt. While this seems counter productive, it is actually a step in the right direction, before I would not even attempted the pride because it was wrong, I knew I was not capable of such things, I am a SLOW SLOW FAT runner, that kind of number even for a half mile is just not do able, and my next run would have been slower than my now normal because that is where my belief in myself had me stuck. This time I was proud of my accomplishment, even through disbelief, I think some of the paint stripper is working, but not quite enough is gone yet. I literally had to retry the same thing yesterday, in the blazing sun, in think humidity, on tired legs, at a time I am not used to trying to run.. as in just 16 hours after the last run, where I ran my fastest in years, because that is a set up for success let me tell you! Guess what, I was so darn close to that same time frame and taking into account all of the things against me, that the number from the day before was in fact true, but I had to prove it to myself, simply because I didn't believe. That Re-Run (giggle see what I did there) stripped away some of that ugly paint!
Yesterday I also posted about reaching 30 lbs in weight loss. I was excited you all saw and read that! I was tickled to death! But did I really do it. As I laid down last night to go to sleep one of my last thoughts of the evening.. I can't wait to get up in the morning to make sure I really lost the 30 lbs. I mean WHAT THE HELL people... lol. The scale isn't sitting there going.. HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE FUN.. let's show her that she lost 30 pounds but tomorrow let's show her it was a lie and bounce that back to where she stated. I truly did not believe that I could have done that. I am happy to say that this morning the scale reported in at 31 pounds gone, but I HAD TO SEE IT, simply because I didn't believe. That Re-Weigh stripped away some of that ugly paint!
What I am realizing is this, that in order for the paint to be removed completely I am going to likely have to re do things, runs at a good pace, stops on the scale, put on the jeans that literally will not stay up, on and and on, and that is ok it is a temporary fix, a bandaid if you will. At the same time I am going to have to forgive the me that painted all of those nasty shades, understand that she did the best she could with what she had to work with, and that it is ok to let her and her beliefs go, to make room for new beliefs and my new self.
Right this minute I may be crawling.. but I can promise you I will in fact soon fly!
Signing off with this, R Kelly may have been a d-bag.. but all I am hearing in my head this morning is ...
I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me,
If I can see it , then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
Hey, 'cause I believe in me
Peace Love and Light
Re
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