Well maybe it was partially because I was excited my new socks would be delivered today. I have been washing clothes every day because I found a pair of socks that I am in love with. I have been running for years with Feetures and while they have lifetime warranty going on, I have about 10 pair with holes in them now, always at my toes, by the way that is about $150 bucks worth of socks with holes! I just got tired of returning them and I couldn't tell that they were helping my feet anymore. So I ordered some Experia's so far I love them and no holes! Next up new shoes.
I think I side track sometimes because I don't want to fully take on and look at the issue at hand, which is my lack of accountability to myself. I am accountable to just about anyone else on the planet, except myself. Work, I am there 30 minutes before I am supposed to be and if I show up 25 minutes before time I feel late. Reboot, usually 10 to 15 minutes early. Dinner plans, 9 times out of 10 the first one there. I try not to reschedule if I have plans with someone. I don't like breaking plans or commitments I have with others because, YOU MATTER. I don't want to let YOU DOWN. I don't want to disappoint YOU. Coming from a long life of feeling like a disappointment to so many this is very important to me.
I can sit here and honestly say that for the majority of my childhood and straight through to .... well I guess now, I never quite felt like I measured up. Never quite good enough. Never quite who or what my parents, siblings, friends, and significant others wanted or needed me to be. (Sorry mom you are just going to have to read it) I get it I was a difficult kid, but what came first the bad kid or the feeling of being a disappointment. I honestly can't give you an answer to that as it was so very long ago. But I do remember thinking, I am never going to be good enough why bother trying. So I didn't try. Which led to everyone being angry at me and the feeling that I wasn't lovable, so I literally looked for someone, anyone, to love me, because I knew I didn't deserve it so any show of "affection" I took because I always thought it was the last, that it was all I deserved, so I better take what I could get because normal, true, real, love and relationships weren't available to the unlovable. Que a long line of failed relationships, shitty partners, and crumbling friendships. I will take half the blame there, I didn't think I deserved anything so I did a lot of self sabotaging there too, so even if the other side was trying, I probably wasn't.
So here I am at 47 and guess what, I still feel that way. That I am not quite a good enough daughter, that my siblings deserve a better sister, that my children certainly deserved a much better mother.. on and on and on. So I try my hardest to be what I think all of you deserve. To be early. To be supportive. To be wife material. To be kind. To be caring. And when I fail.... I hear.."see you are still shit, you are never going to be what anyone needs". I don't do well in the middle of turmoil or drama yet I seem to find myself there, and it is soul crushing to someone who already felt they were on thin relationship ice to start with. When a decision is made based on what was best for me and it hurts someone I love, I question everything and instead of taking pride it doing the right thing for me, it becomes a beast of it's own. In stead of being able to speak up and firmly say this is why I made the choice I did, I can only cower and apologize with some flimsy excuse, because Re doesn't matter.
I am so busy trying to be everything for everyone else, there is no time or energy to be accountable or kind to myself, and when there is time left usually it is filled with "You are worthless so don't bother, have another glass of wine and that piece of cake, it will make you at least forget about it for a minute". What a VICIOUS cycle.
This week I am accountable to two friends to deliver lunch and dinner, healthy ones, to assist in keeping them on track with their eating. It has been a pleasure as I really do love to cook and try new things, it has done wonders in keeping me accountable to myself in eating choices, and while I wanted to eat pizza or order in tacos I was accountable to them so I remained accountable to myself. I am down 4 pounds in 4 days so yay! Thank you non cooking team mates for coming up with this plan! It has ensured that I got up each morning this week and kept me moving and busy in the evenings cooking and coming up with plans. How are we going to do this next week??
I need to take this time rededicate my commitment to my team. The Reboot Shufflers. I know I haven't gone anywhere but my leadership has been lacking the last few weeks for that I apologize. Between the holidays, the cold, and a bit of internal you piece of crap you let someone down, I faltered. You guys did not deserve a wavering leader, you deserve so much more. Accountability to you, affords me to be accountable to myself in a once removed, you can do it, kind of way. It is time that I deserve to give to myself, to better the person that I am while supporting and leading you all to better yous.
In this new year I am going to work hard towards, mindfulness, acceptance, honesty and courage, so that I can be accountable to the one person who should be on my list. Myself!
In the wake of that I am going to finish today's post by saying this.
I don't care if your team wears red, camo, blue, or purple. I don't care if your skin is white, brown, yellow, or green (you may need a dr if it is green by the way). I don't care if your education is grade school or doctorate. I don't care if your religion is Christian, Muslim. Buddhist, Barney the Dinosaur. I don't care if you are a dish washer, a manager, or a doctor. I don't care if you are a Democrat, Republican, or completely clueless. You are a human. You matter. If you are my friend or family I promise I love you dearly. I can tell you with 100% honesty that no choices I made were against you or to be hurtful. I will be here for you. I will listen. I will offer my hand to help you. I will support your business. I will hold your hand while you cry. I will run with you. I will literally lay down in front of a bus and die for you.
What I will no longer do is allow myself to feel like a disappointment or failure when I am trying to be accountable to myself.
If nothing else I at least deserve that.
Love and Peace