These are the words I wrote the other night:
Trying to explain how this depression feels is like trying to explain to someone what a purple number 7 tastes like.
I know what life used to be.... but it's on the other side of some invisible wall ... I can see the world moving around like it used to but I'm stuck on the wrong side. The flip side. Everything is backwards, inside out, and upside down. It's feels like living in a clear gelatin where every movement is labored and in slow motion. Breathing is near impossible.
It's not that I don't SEE the world the way it is... I do I see plainly as it passes me by. I just don't know that the world sees me drowning.
It is almost impossible to explain how hopeless the world feels around you. You see it, you can touch it, you can FEEL IT... but it all comes out as nothingness. The person you are trying desperately to explain it to, usually, comes out with something close to .. "just buck up.. get out there.. go do it!" Unfortunately, no matter how many times you say.. "OK! I will do it!" The time rolls around to do said thing (running, cleaning, meeting friends, movies... insert anything that is more than getting out of bed) and it is typically a failure, which in turn adds more feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness not to mention being a big fat failure.
It seems completely silly for a 43 year old woman to celebrate the fact that she followed through with going out to meet friends, but that is where my life is. I never understood how in the world agoraphobics stayed in the house ALL the time.. scratch that now. I get it. I could right this minute get up walk across the room and shut the door and never go out again and be OK WITH THAT. That my friends is not ok. See how irrational my brain is, I know I CAN go close the door and WANT to do it, but at the same time I know that isn't any way to live but have a very hard time acting on anything to leave the house.
I know some of you are thinking," wow, she would never do that" I get the confusion because I was such an out going person, who always lived life to the fullest. Now, this stranger who lives inside of my brain (I say stranger because this isn't me, not the me I know and remember and really want to get some part of back), this stranger wants no part of the outside world. Give me my dogs, my books, and a good movie and the stranger is all good. Out there.. out there in the world, it is nothing but pain, loss, disappointment and mistake after mistake. The stranger HATES the world outside. The stranger is a babbler.. talking CONSTANTLY inside my head, it never shuts up. "You're worthless. It's hopeless. It's your fault she's dead. You could have changed this if you had only (insert irrational change number 35343). You made your life this pathetic mess. They don't REALLY want you around. They pity you. Look at you, your ugly, fat, and a waste of space." add any insult you want and THAT is what plays over and over in my head like some kind of scene from a bad horror movie with the victim tied to a chair in a blinding white light that makes it impossible to rest or sleep.
Another way to possibly describe what this wreck of a life feels like, I grazed a story the other day that said man in coma 12 years woke up and was aware of everything! Imagine that... now imagine being physically present and people SEEING you as normal and not understanding why you just can't get yourself out of bed, the house, the car, the blanket. You are completely and totally aware of what you SHOULD be doing but you just can't seem to. Like some invisible force is holding you down. One of the most unfortunate things about any sort of mental illness is that it is invisible. Even in addiction (and yes that is horrible in of itself I am not saying it is in anyway better) there is a solid physical reason that can be focused on. With this.. this hell that has waged war on my brain, there is not a thing to focus on. People ask, what can I do to help.. I don't know.. they ask why do you feel this way.. I don't know.. Can't you fix it.. I don't know.. Will you ever be normal I DON'T F'ING KNOW!
The bottom line is that right now I am actively seeking professional help from at least 3 different sources, I am going to church when I can, I am trying to participate in seeing my friends and I am trying to get my rear end to work out (trying unfortunately hasn't been a huge success so far) I am reading more (having a book going is a good thing for me... I don't like leaving books unfinished, I don't think I could leave this world with an unfinished book) and as of today I dusted off my keyboard and shared with the world that I am in big trouble. Seriously big trouble, but I am no longer ashamed of it. It is where I am and the only thing I can do is seek help and the Next Thing.
I am very grateful to those of you that are trying.. I know you don't understand it neither do I, but your love means so much.