Well guess what! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!
It's not about what your 7 year old immature self called me.
It's not about you maybe not quite making me feel important.
It's not about anything you did or didn't do 40 years ago.
It's not about how you feel about my choices in work out teams.
It's not about you belittling my achievements so you wouldn't have to answer questions.
It's not about you not believing in me.
It's not about if you have contacted me or not.
and it certainly
Is not about your "nose" size!
(babe you won't live that one down anytime soon)
It's about me. It's about my reaction. It is about how I feel about those things, some almost a half a century later. No one is to blame for my reaction or my feelings. They are me, they are who I am and I am trying to work through better reaction and learning The Elsa Method. You know.. Let it Go... Let it GOOOOO. (still hate that movie though). Some of the things that are deeply rooted happened so very long ago the other party doesn't even remember it, it was that insignificant, or the other party doesn't see it that way at all and is never going to say I am sorry I made you feel that way. So why should I be carrying that weight around with me, I ruck at Reboot, I certainly do not need to Ruck the weight of every wrong that ever crossed my path and I don't need to ruck around every wrong that I have ever done either.
I have often stated I was not a good daughter, sister, mother, lover or friend. As I sit here and look around,
My parents are still alive and well, are wonderful humans and I love them and they love me.
My siblings are successful, in love, and have incredible families who love me. I love them and they love me.
My children, while two have passed on to heaven, are all amazing humans who love big, are successful, are loved beyond measure here on earth and in heaven, I love them and they love me.
My lover, we have been through hell and back, he usually carries the brunt of my pain, we still laugh, he doesn't care if I lose the weight he is there either way, I love him, he loves me.
My friends, are all amazing humans, who are supportive, who care for me, who are cared for by me, I love them, they love me.
You see all of that. All of those people in my life are amazing! No ones life has been utterly destroyed by me or my not so great roles in their lives. My life was not destroyed by them either, it is my own gray matter that is my worst enemy.
Yesterday after my terribly rough morning, numerous people reached out and said, "Those words, I do that too!" or "Your post was so me, thank you for sharing". I have said it so many times, my writing is just for that! So that one person connects, so that one person does not feel alone, my job was done yesterday. Right in line with this I watched a powerful vlog by a dear friend, who asked that we give away our confessions, give them to the universe so that they no longer have the power to weigh us down. Then to look at what we are good at. Yesterday I confessed to feeling enormous shame in my physical being, I shared all the words that I say to myself in meanness and anger. On the flip side, I have a unique ability to freely share my life, even the darkest of corners that most people hide from the world.
Today I bring to you a second confession, I am NOT good at confrontation, drama, or problems. I believe my mother said it best when she said "I was not taught how to deal so in turn you weren't taught how to deal, blah blah blah." My reaction was "OF COURSE I know how to deal! It is simple.. Problem arises with someone.. Tell them to go F their self and issue gone." She said... "My point exactly" So she is right I don't know how to deal with things well. I don't know how to have a frank conversation with someone, I don't know how to say, you hurt me. On the flip side of that. I can write. I can write with an uncanny ability to make you feel what I feel. I can clearly detail exactly why I feel the way I do. And in doing so, I connect with others, I make them understand they are truly not alone.
At this time, I need to take that to the next level.
I need to let go. I need to stop carrying around the weight of my emotions and maybe then, I will also lose the pounds of unwanted body weight and even if I don't do that, be able to see who I really am regardless of this bone filled flesh bag my soul is wearing around. ( a fat flesh bag is still not fabulous though)
My dream, my life goal, and what I truly believe is my purpose is to help people. I want to stand in front of a room full of people and say .. "I have been to hell, I came back, you can too, let me help you." I think so much of my self worth is placed on my physical being and my weight that it is hard for me to see that while I have been in this hell, working my way back, that I am already helping others. I don't have to be a size 6 to encourage you through a rough work out session. I don't have to be 150 pounds to be a coach. I don't have to be fatless to stand in front of you and say, let me help you, I know the way. I don't have to be a super model to hold your hand listen to your story and say "I understand, we will get through this"
Off to research what next steps I need to take to make this dream a reality!
Love and Peace