I realize that not everyone enjoys the words I write. They are a very hard pill to swallow most of the time, what can start as a bed of roses can very quickly turn to all of the sadness and gloom of a thousand nations. Trust me... that is not how I wish things were. I don't wish to have all of this sadness and tragedy swimming around in my head constantly. There is something that I think that everyone really truly needs to understand, I never know what exactly I am going to type until the moment comes that I sit down in front of the keyboard. It all just flies out, so what you are experiencing is exactly what I am feeling right that moment, unfiltered. I don't edit content at the end just grammar and punctuation which we all know I still stink at. I read a curious little line in a book last night, it says that the main character received a C on an essay not because of the content but because of the way it was worded, the essay was written in the same style he spoke. That is how I write, just like I talk, full of ...'s and all.
Now that you know that you know that you actually in my brain while you are reading this, think about the fact that it takes me anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes to generate a blog post. That leaves roughly 23.5 hours left in the day with the rest of the swirling thoughts. Try to imagine reading my blog 24 hours a day, just for one day. Can you imagine the ups and downs you would feel? Just because I am incredibly sad in the moment I am writing doesn't mean that I will be at noon, and vice versa. It is a roller coaster. A constant incredible roller coaster of madness. Sometimes that roller coaster comes out right in the moment I am typing, going from the peace of snow yesterday to the horrible sadness and pain of how my brain processes the death of Dustin and Deanna all within a few short minutes, that is my life. That is my entire existence. I NEVER know what I am going to feel and my feelings betray me constantly.
Even through the sadness yesterday I made it to the gym, I lifted my weights, I went to have a drink, I went through the motions, yes I did it but I was no where near the place mentally. I was completely and totally checked out, gone, stuck in my own weighted madness. I am not sure if anyone notices anymore and it's ok because honestly why would they, this is me at a constant. It is like the alcoholic that you have no idea is drunk because you see them drunk all the time. Me, everyone sees me emotional all the time so I think they just know that as the me I am now. I HATE IT. Not because I want anyone's pity or sympathy but because my entire being has shifted so incredibly much that THIS.. THIS ME is what people expect. I don't want to be this me, but it is who and where I am right now.
I didn't go to bootcamp this morning, why because I am petrified of any kind of road condition, PETRIFIED, not so much for me but for others, what if I hit one patch of ice and caused the death of someones child? Do I feel like a heel and boob because I didn't go? Of course, because my friends went. Because they aren't the wimps that I am, because they are who I used to be. Before car accidents and dying and tears of 3454 different fears. I made a promise and I broke it because of fear. I am the person that rants on facebook now about please staying safe and off the roads. I am the person that is wracked with worry over nothing, it wasn't that big of a deal, the roads were wet. I am that psycho. I am that crazy person that expects the worse when her kids don't answer, or a friend calls out of the blue, or the phone rings in the middle of the night, the one who goes straight into panic attack mode. It's ridiculous.
It's days like today that make me just want to lay down and QUIT. Quit it all, give up, stop trying, because it is days like this that show me just how much of my existence is so insanely wrapped around tragedy. My brain will not allow me to be at peace, my heart is a constant lump in my throat threatening to spill the tears at a moments notice. It's days like today that my only thoughts are of failure. How badly I have let people down. How much I have done wrong. Yesterday during a talking doctor appointment I said I wished that I had a rewind button, she asked what I would change, I said I would go back and fix all of my mistakes but that would take me a life time, to rewind myself and fix all I have screwed up would take my existence, it would take me back to a small child, it would take me back at least 40 years of untangling the mess I have made.
I still hear the words of how horrible of a mother I was. They won't get out of my head. They won't go away, this woman takes up space in my head CONSTANTLY, her and the woman that said that I was not much of a mother when she found out I was at the accident scene. Yea.. it is those things that are on repeat, the bad things, the hurtful things, the sad things, the things that remind me of all of the mistakes. I see the scene.. rewind, I hear her say I was horrible, rewind, I hear my daddy's voice crack, rewind, I remember the moment I realized, fast forward, I hear her say I was horrible, rewind, I see her in the road, fast forward, I hear my step fathers lies. rewind, i am trying to call her, fast forward.. CONSTANT.. CONSTANTLY!!!
Now we can add a mixed bag of nuts of how I don't show up as I promised, or I am not running like I should, or that I don't get dressed unless absolutely necessary and you have the perfect recipe for a pure failure. Yes failure, that is what I feel, failed, didn't pass, big fat F in red ink. I had one job, protect the kids. ONE JOB. Failed, not once but twice. Some how I didn't instill in Deanna that the seat belt should always always always be on, fail. Some how I wasn't around and she was driving an SUV not her car, fail. Some how I didn't save Dustin. Some how I am still failing the children I have. They aren't happy and I don't know how to make them happy. It is truly a vicious cycle of pain and guilt.
Have you ever been in one of those toxic relationships where the other person is just sucking the life force right out of you? Spewing hatred at you with each and every word. That's my brain, I am in a toxic relationship with my brain and it isn't like I can break up with it.
Ok that is enough mind numbing rambling for the day.
I got nothing happy today, not right this minute anyway.
Stay warm, stay safe, stay happy.