So here we are. Another Monday.. another scale hating me day. I ate ham yesterday.. I need to stay away from ham! Bet you anything it will level out again in the next couple of days. Or maybe my scale just literally hates Mondays!
I have not really worked out since Friday's free for all, we went for a long walk at Beverdam yesterday and it was really nice. The puppies enjoyed it so much. Then I came home and slept for two hours.. two hours.. had the dogs not barked I am not sure how long I would have slept, the odd thing... I went right to bed last night and when the clock when off 8 hours later.. I could have still slept. I am tired, like super duper tired. (side note I do not have a fever or any sickness related symptoms) I think I am exhausted from just battling every day to appear normal, especially in public when all I want to do is just sit down and cry. I know many of you are wondering what in the world is wrong with me.. let me start by telling you what is NOT wrong with me.
- I am NOT at the bottom of this hole.
- I have NOT fallen off of the wobbly rocks, they are still there standing firm
- I do still believe with all my heart that this time FEELS DIFFERENT
- I do not want to die
- I still have every desire to continue to building on the rocks below me to get out of this darkness, if not forever, at least the majority of the time.
Let's talk about what is wrong, or maybe it is what is right, I am not sure yet. I am going to use an analogy that makes sense of the senseless, I am actually going to use a couple of analogies today.
So this one day you are carrying on about your normal life, minding your own business, thinking everything in your world is beautiful and a meteorite comes barreling through the atmosphere and goes right through your roof into the heart of your house! It rips a hole in your roof, through walls, floors, destroys some of your belongings and finally stops its trajectory in all of it's burning glory in the fire place, just there smoldering, right in the heart of it. You happen to live alone, this is your house, so no one really will see the damage on the inside unless you invite them in, but you know if you don't do something with that outside any future weather is going to pour in and that would be really bad, not to mention everyone can see that awful hole. You take a look at the hole for a little while trying to figure out how to fix it, but you just don't have the tools, or the materials to do a proper job so you run to the hardware store and get yourself a tarpaulin (yes I used the whole word because my dad does and it tickles me when he says it) You estimate that you need a 5 by 5 square and you set about to patch up your roof, you even paint it the same shade as your shingles so it is not so noticeable, and you stand there on your yard waving happily at your neighbors hoping they don't notice the tarp. Over time you start realizing that the 5x5 isn't big enough and you continue to have to get bigger and bigger tarps to cover the hole so people won't really see, no matter how hard you try that tarp just wont' keep all the weather out and that hole is getting bigger and bigger. Your neighbors they all know what you are doing, they all whisper about you and that tarp, but they wave right back at you and smile, because they have no idea how to fix a roof either. But the worst part, the most horrifying part, is not that roof, or that tarp, it is the major destruction inside that none of them see at all, because you have spent so much time on that damn tarp you have not even been able to address the inside damage at all! You have been living among broken glass, buckling walls, splinters of wood all of these years and no one knows.. because you are standing on the front yard waving hoping they don't' see that hole in your roof. Finally the day comes, there isn't a tarp big enough, you have hidden that hole for so long but it is now impossible, so in front of the entire world you have to take of the tarp and reveal that hole, and in doing so because there is just no roof left they can see the major devastation on the inside too. You have no choice now but to let everyone really see, and you have to ask for help to fix that hole up right, and repair your walls, and clean up the glass. That meteorite though.. that has to stay, it cant be moved, but you can rebuild around it.
That my friends is where I am. I never repaired any of me from that day. I have been covering it with a tarp day after day and now that I really want to fix that hole, and rebuild those walls, I am having to expose myself, the damage, the pain, and frankly there will likely be some destruction in order to rebuild, you can't rebuild a wall with the broken lumber still in place. And it is EXHAUSTING! Physically and mentally. Do I know how to rebuild that roof yet, nope.. not in the least, but what I do know is that tarp isn't working, so as badly as I want to put another one on there and just paint it to look like I roof I know with every fiber of my being that is not the answer. Ed thinks that knowing there is a problem is the first step in the battle, I am sure he is right. Others say leave it with God, sounds so simple.. it isn't. Others say just suck it up, ummmm hello that hasn't really worked. I don't know where to go for tools right now, but what I do know is I don't think I have the right ones, yet.
It is quite obvious I am dealing with something huge over here, even to myself. I have gotten depressed before, it was ugly, I was really sad, literally just wanted to not live at all anymore, I cried a lot. This right here.. this thing I am going through isn't that. Yes I am depressed, probably what would be considered severely, but at the same time, I don't want to die, the issue is I WANT to live, I want to live my best life, and I don't know anything about that territory, I am not depressed because I am still here, I am depressed because I am still here and still so damn hurt and want to be normal and LIVE A LIFE THAT IS MEANINGFUL. I want to help people... I want to help people like me, but alas .. I can't help myself right now. I truly believe that part of this exhaustion is battling my way out of here, and balancing on those rocks so I don't fall back down to where I was. I also think I have cried more in the last week than I have since that week the meteorite hit. I am not talking cry at a movie cry, I am talking about crying when I am trying to talk, (PS Mom.. just a side note, when I sound gruff or rough or mean .. it is because that is what it sounds like when I am TRYING to talk and NOT cry) crying until my eyes literally hurt and just full on sobbing because the hole in the roof hurts so badly and there just isn't a tarp to cover any of it up, and no one knows what to do.. including myself.
Here is your second analogy of the day.
I said yesterday that as horrible as it sounds, it would be easier if what was wrong with me were cancer, or I was an alcoholic because those are acceptable and have acceptable means of treatment. If I had cancer everyone would be meal training, setting up doctor appointments, stays in the hospital for surgery or treatments would be normal, time at home resting, normal, take all the time you need, we are here for you. If I were an alcoholic, oh man.. let's find you a rehab, spend a few weeks getting yourself back together, we got this stuff out here, you are too valuable to lose, we are so proud of you that you see you have a problem and are getting help. Instead I got a damn meteorite through my roof and not a damn soul knows what do to and heaven forbid you tell your job, hey I have this meteorite... that went through my house , yea I know it was a few years ago, but I have tried patching it up so I wouldn't be away or lose any time except that 5 days when it first happened and I need to take a week and clean this mess up or the whole house is going to fall down and there won't be a me to come back to work.. ever. WHY ARE METEORITES NOT ACCEPTABLE REASONS TO BE AWAY??
Ok you get it right? The meteorite is the accident, it is never going way.. it is stuck right there in the heart of me. The roof, my poor brain with all of it's emotions and feelings and hurt and pain, that have been covered over with that tarp of food, alcohol, and a few tossed in prescriptions. The destroyed inside of the house, all of the damage that I have physically done to my body since the accident, by drinking too much, eating too much, not seeking help when I needed it. I absolutely need to clean this mess up without using tarps. I absolutely need to find the tools. I need to know why people find it so unacceptable to have a brain illness, but if I had a brain tumor.. completely fine.
There was so much more that was this was supposed to say but I have to get to work... but I will finish up saying, the photo of me and De.. that is who I need to get back to. I want to remember that woman who smiled with pride, not smiled hoping the neighborhood doesn't see her tarp.
Signing off today with this, where in your life do you see someone that is using a tarp? Is there a way to reach them, lovingly, letting them know it is ok that they use a tarp but you would really like to help them make the repairs they need?
Peace Love and Light