I'd like to send this back please....

it's just not prepared the way I would like.

Dreaded words to anyone in the restaurant business, especially the server who has to tell the chef that his prepared to perfection ribeye is not to the liking of "Look down her nose Lisa".. (why do we use Karen ALLLLL the friggin time??) The walk to the kitchen seems long.... you think about your wording and what other tickets the kitchen has in, is it a good night or bad night and on and on and on. I feel like I am on that walk right now, but in my hands are the perfectly prepared high functioning anxiety, with a side of depression with a bowl of bipolar for dessert.  Each of these things have been carefully prepared and some nurtured for years, but frankly it is just not the way I would like it.

Here is a list of things that I am making that slow walk with

• Overworking, even yesterday I stayed really late, I do have a deadline I had to meet today (that was my excuse) but no one else stays to complete deadlines, they just let it be late.
  
• Negative self talk, yesterday at the gym my poor brain was on over drive. "You fat fuck.. the 10 year old beside you playing his video game while running finished his mile and never stopped You can't even run 2 minutes (by the way I can but that is about as long as I can)" followed with " STOP IT... YOU ARE HERE YOU ARE DOING IT!!! YOU ARE STRONG" then "Look at that stomach hang when you squat, it's not your knees that is stopping you it is your stomach" then "OMG will you SHUT UP you are here you are doing it, it WILL get better"
  
• Putting EVERYONE ahead of myself, I have no idea how I expect to take care of everyone when I don't care of me, but here I have been doing it for a year.  I say yes to way too many things, again especially at work.
  
• Fear of failing, again at everything, mainly when it comes to work, relationships, etc fear of failing myself, maybe to do the point where I don't try things, such as running, if I don't try I don't fail.
  
• Not acknowledging the depression or insane manic episodes, by not acknowledging I mean full out lying. I am fine, becomes no really I am doing great because see me doing XCW everything is JUST WONDERFUL!!! When in truth we all know XCW makes little to no sense at all.
  

Right now at this moment I think my biggest downfall is believing my negative self talk. (and I will admit followed closely by not acknowledging my other problems) I would never in a million years say the things that I say to myself to another human, or even animal for that matter. They are vile and disgusting and shaming! I AM soooooo much more than any of those nasty little tid bits.

• I am strong
• I am brave
  
• I am loyal
  

See I CAN say nice things, it's just harder. Why is that? Why do we so freely dislike and hate ourselves? I can remember being young and judging people as being conceded or stuck up when I have to wonder now, was that just self confidence? Was that just them putting themselves first so they could have the strength to tend to all that life needed them to accomplish? Did they hear the negative voices and stomp the shit out of them and hold their heads higher to overcome that negativity?  I wonder.

But here I am, walking with my dishes to the back, the chef is examining with disgust his hard work, figuring out what exactly could have been different to avoid the situation in the future. We all know what the next step has to be.... scrape it all in the trash... no matter how tempting it may be to hold on to, all of that has to be thrown away, and once it is safely dealt with, we return and the chef has  started to create a better, more beautiful dish full of good things like

• Me Time
  
• Walks
  
• Gym visits
  
• Positive affirmations
  
• LEARNING
  

Yesterday I mentioned that I had some homework to do, one of those things was to set a realistic/ambitious goal.

Half-hearted goal: Finish a 5k - come on we all know that if I put on my shoes right now, this minute I would finish a 5k .. heck likely a 10K. It wouldn't be the best in the world but I can do it. No training has always been my game and I did that with no shame.

Realistic/ambitious goal - Finish the April 3rd 5k to the best of my ability. Join the ladies at the Y bootcamp class on June 1. (yes that is 90 days) Run the October half marathon. I said run, not just finish. I said run. They are goals! They are realistic.. but they are ambitious in that they are going to take hard work, self belief, and support of people who love me.  I have a habit of falling off the face of the earth when it comes to my own training. I need to show up for ME!

I need to ensure that putting my training first is a priority. If any of you have any tips on this please share. For me, for today it is going to be putting little Banx in his running stroller and we are going to finish 2 miles, the sun is shining, I can't let that pass me by!

Signing out today with this, if you are reading this, take 30 seconds and write down 3 positive things you are. Believe it or not, it was pretty powerful.

Peace Love and Light

Re