I may not have been the perfect Mom.. but one thing I always did was spend Christmas with my kids, and there was no shortage of smiles, giggles, paper, ribbons, toys and love. This year I feel like my heart has left, been tossed away, pulled out to sea, then buried. There is no "just get into it" "cheer up" "decorate you will feel better" there is no that. I keep TRYING for that, that isn't happening. For a few moments I feel the spirit and get a glimpse of it... but it fades away quickly.
I realize it is ok to feel this way, that I do have a right to feel this way, but it HURTS to feel this way. Hearing the pain in my Daddy's voice, knowing he is feeling much the same and I can't do a thing to fix it, makes me feel weak and useless. I realize I should focus on my boys... but it reminds me so of who is missing. De played a big role, she made the kids, the kids, being the only girl out of all biological or not.. she made them the kids.. not the boys. So when I hear the words.. "focus on your boys.. the boys..you have your boys to think about" it rips my heart completely to shreds.
For months now I have wondered, when is the reality going to set it, when it is going to feel real, when I am going to finally break. The answer is now. My mind has been able to trick my heart for months, she is just in Mathews, she is out with friends, work, she'll text, she'll call when she is ready. She's not. She's not coming home. She wont be there Christmas, she won't have her pretty white stocking to peek in. There won't be snuggling with Grandaddy on the sofa. There won't be some game of some sort after it is all opened.
My sweet beautiful girl will be spending her first Christmas in Heaven surrounded by love and celebrating the birth of Jesus with him. Oh what a beautiful celebration in paradise that must be. I know that the Hope Christmas is to give us is that one day we will all be together where we are no longer separated from God or each other for all of eternity, forgive me for saying this but I would be happy if one day was today. To feel this utter raw terrible pain of the reality of this is more than I think I have strength for. Merry Christmas.. whats so Merry about it? This is quite possibly the darkest place I have been in my life. I don't want to feel angry towards others for the joy they feel, as I know that others have had their losses, unjoyful moments, losses, sadnesses and others are grieving and facing the same pains I am right this minute.
I can imagine that I posted happy things when others were incredibly sad that cut them to the core of their being, or even said things that were inappropriate. But right now.. no I don't want to hear about your Christmas plans, your wedding, your beautiful perfect families AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF YOU.. IT'S ME AND WHERE I AM.
In closing today, it never fails, I get hugs and people ask.. "How are you?" my response.. "I am ok" or "I am hanging in there"
Today's true answer:
I'm not ok.. and I think the rope broke.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Love
De's Mommy
I realize it is ok to feel this way, that I do have a right to feel this way, but it HURTS to feel this way. Hearing the pain in my Daddy's voice, knowing he is feeling much the same and I can't do a thing to fix it, makes me feel weak and useless. I realize I should focus on my boys... but it reminds me so of who is missing. De played a big role, she made the kids, the kids, being the only girl out of all biological or not.. she made them the kids.. not the boys. So when I hear the words.. "focus on your boys.. the boys..you have your boys to think about" it rips my heart completely to shreds.
For months now I have wondered, when is the reality going to set it, when it is going to feel real, when I am going to finally break. The answer is now. My mind has been able to trick my heart for months, she is just in Mathews, she is out with friends, work, she'll text, she'll call when she is ready. She's not. She's not coming home. She wont be there Christmas, she won't have her pretty white stocking to peek in. There won't be snuggling with Grandaddy on the sofa. There won't be some game of some sort after it is all opened.
My sweet beautiful girl will be spending her first Christmas in Heaven surrounded by love and celebrating the birth of Jesus with him. Oh what a beautiful celebration in paradise that must be. I know that the Hope Christmas is to give us is that one day we will all be together where we are no longer separated from God or each other for all of eternity, forgive me for saying this but I would be happy if one day was today. To feel this utter raw terrible pain of the reality of this is more than I think I have strength for. Merry Christmas.. whats so Merry about it? This is quite possibly the darkest place I have been in my life. I don't want to feel angry towards others for the joy they feel, as I know that others have had their losses, unjoyful moments, losses, sadnesses and others are grieving and facing the same pains I am right this minute.
I can imagine that I posted happy things when others were incredibly sad that cut them to the core of their being, or even said things that were inappropriate. But right now.. no I don't want to hear about your Christmas plans, your wedding, your beautiful perfect families AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF YOU.. IT'S ME AND WHERE I AM.
In closing today, it never fails, I get hugs and people ask.. "How are you?" my response.. "I am ok" or "I am hanging in there"
Today's true answer:
I'm not ok.. and I think the rope broke.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Love
De's Mommy
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