He had a follow up appointment with his heart doctor who we both love, and he got the... drum roll please... all clear! Dr B didn't want to see him again for 3 months, Dad rallied for a year.. and I said 6 MONTHS IS THE FINAL ANSWER and we stuck with that. I am so grateful and blessed. 4 months ago I was literally telling people if they wanted to see my dad alive, they should take the time. He was that bad, just bad thing after bad thing was happening and the more that happened the sicker and weaker he became. It was frightening and exhausting... for both of us. Do you know what pulled him through? Neither of us gave up! Don't twist this please.. we had PLENTY of outside support and help and I am utterly grateful for it all, but this is about he and I. We fought this thing, whatever it was, it was never named or diagnosed believe it or not, it could have been a series of unfortunate events or it could have been as I believe.. Covid; Either way we fought and fought and fought. He gave me the biggest compliment of my life the other night. We were talking about how far he had come and how much better he was, and he says
"I don't think there ever was a daughter who fought to keep their dad alive as hard as you did."
I am sure there are plenty of daughters out there who have fought just as hard so I won't be accepting that universal trophy any time soon, BUT, I will absolutely take that trophy from him. He sees me, and to me, that is EVERYTHING!!! I know that I should not live my life seeking the approval or acceptance of anyone else, yes even my parents.. (sorry mom but I think you gave up that fight long ago) but just knowing he saw how much I loved him and how far I was willing to go for him... yea.
It did however get me to thinking about something else, here I am fighting tooth and nail to keep another human being alive, all the while, allowing myself to die. Literally. End of the rope. Did not want another day. It was almost like a trade off. I put so much time and energy into keeping another alive that I just depleted all I had in me, so when he started getting better, there was not much of me left. (there were many other things going on too this I know but bear .. or bare.. OR JUST HANG WITH ME HERE) Luckily for me the universe, God, the angels, the ancestral witches, the jedis... all had other plans and here I am. I am grateful for that too by the way. I know I have talked in and around this subject before, the working on myself, but this just hit me night before last. (see I am doing the thing of sitting with topics before writing) what if, just what if... I fought for MYSELF as hard as I fought for my dad. What if I gathered all of that energy that I have been exporting and import it for awhile. How far could I go?
Sure I have been working on myself for weeks now, but have I been FIGHTING? Like full on boxing gloves, or have I been cat fighting in the school yard? I know I have made some milestone changes in myself and my life but I see where it can be so much more. I see where I can push harder, train better, eat cleaner, learn more. I spent HOURS AND HOURS scouring the internet trying to help my dad, I found the time to do that. What if I spent those hours now, tending to my own life? My own spiritual existence? My own health, physically and mentally? What if I actually fought for me?
I don't mean the stand up "Hey you did me wrong, I am going to take you down!" kind. (even though there are a few people I would like to put in their place) I mean the kind of fight where you fight for your own peace, your own worth, your own I am enough, your own well being, your own health, your own fitness, in spite of anything and everything life throws at you, including the you did me wrongs! What would I find there? What could I be?
In half a century I don't think I have ever fought for me, I fought for other people... their acceptance.. their inclusion.. their love...their approval on and on and on. This is crazy, why did I never see that I was worth a fight too and why did I think that it was going to be someone else that fought for me?
Someone pass me the boxing gloves... oh wait.. never mind I got them!
So much to ponder on! So I am going to leave you with this today, here's to the 26 for Dad and I and on to many many more!
Peace Love and Light