But Re, you were fine yesterday! No.. not really. Let's see, how has my week been, before 8 am on Monday things at work were blowing up and they have continued to blow up and burn down every since despite my best effort to keep the blazes controlled. If was putting one fire out another behind me would flare up and start burning my ass so I had to pay attention to it, leaving the other smoldering until it was a full on 3 alarm fire again. Rinse repeat. To the point that I was literally sick yesterday. Like puked sick, I thought for sure I was coming down with something I felt so bad. My head hurt, my body hurt, my tummy hurt.
On Tuesday I learned that yet another time I was excluded from a family get together. It's me, I am alone, it is not like I have 2 or 3 people in tow. Yea they kept it small, I get it, it's fine it is whatever. But I didn't think it was right, and it certainly felt like a slap in the face, since not once in the past year have they felt the pain or inconvenience of being a care giver. Please do not get me wrong, I would not ever wish to change what I have done, I am not asking for praises, or anything of the sort. I did what I did out of love, respect and duty. I would do it a thousand times over to keep my Dad safe and healthy. I am not an only child, but it sure feels like it. I have a family, but it sure feels lonely.
On Wednesday I came up with this wonderful and beautifully sweet idea. April is just filled with so much dread and sadness and tears that I was going to make something beautiful, happy and something to celebrate instead of the overwhelming dread of everything bad happens in April. So through all of the stress, all of the hurt, all of the fires from the previous days, I drafted my Post It Note plan. It really was cool... in my head, but like all things in there, it was just all wrong, because yesterday.
It started out ok, I celebrated my small accomplishments of my journey so far. I was excited to see where everything was leading. Then April. I logged into work and as mentioned all was ablaze already and there was nothing to do but start putting them out and try as I might, it wasn't helping and ended as I said with me so utterly sick. I am going to try to explain what happened. Imagine you are on an island, you know everything there is to know about this island and how it works and the lay out and lived on this island alone for 2 years happily going about your merry way ensuring that everything on the island is working and healthy. All all of a sudden a plane crashes into your beautiful yet very dry little tree line, there are people milling about, some are hurt, some are confused, and in an instant things are on fire from the crash. You quickly start gathering resources to fight the blaze but because of the crash you are unable to contain it alone. You gather the people and you say "Ok if we don't do this we are going to die, I need you to do A B C while I do the rest here" You know for a fact your plan will work because you completely and totally know your island and you know that A B C is perfect for the scenario. The people look at you and say this isn't all about your way and your A B C this is a bottle neck, in order to do this we are going to do J E Q M X E, to which you reply but that won't put out any of these flames, in fact that may actually make more, I am telling you A B C. To which they reply ok then we will N I T E K S O Z F. At this point you are starting to panic, no I am sorry but that will not put out the fire it will also cause the volcano over there to erupt. Them OH OK! GOT IT we understand.. we know what to do now! We are going to J E Q M X E then N I T E K S O Z F!!!! At which point you can only reply with.. we are all going to die, walk away and cry. That is how it went, and it was one of the most defeating days of my career. I am very passionate about what I do even thought most people don't understand what it is I do, I have literally spent my life on this career choice and to basically be told that I don't know my own island was just crushing. As I mentioned I cried so hard it made me physically ill.
So in the process of all of the fires that were burning everything to the ground around me at work, the entire beautiful plan to make April sweeter, prettier, just a little softer also caught fire and before I could manage to turn my attention that went right up in smoke. Granted it was stupid and I planned it on parchment paper and wrote the words using gun powder filled ink, what was I expecting right? Did I really think it would work. How utterly stupid of me, I thought April may play nice this year. Not even 24 hours in and a bomb had already gone off.
So what does this mean exactly. You remember the other day I wrote about I was not going to keep banging on doors that just won't open for me? I meant it. If something is not supposed to be I am not going to fight or try to force it any more. So right now, it's me, I am standing in this room of doors and they are all closed and I do feel alone, and frankly quite scared, because I don't know how many locked doors one person can take. What I do have in the room is my gym, my training, my eating plan, my puppies, my writing, and myself, and until I am strong enough to deal with which doors are locked and which aren't. That is where you will find me.
Not every day is roses, not every day is thorns I am fully aware of that, and I do know that a day of roses will happen soon enough. I will power through, I will get the fires out at work, because it is what I do, and even if the entire island is uninhabitable I will rebuild it, it won't be the first time and likely won't be the last. As for the rest, as I was so nicely told last night.. life is no fairy tale, so I suppose I shouldn't expect things and that is ok and all but this Queen will rule her own land, don't expect me to just bend the knee to your rules.
I will be spending the better part of the afternoon in the gym making up for my missed work out yesterday. So I have a run, my strength class, an hour of Zumba, and then my Day 4 core work out. It will be ok, I can do it! It's so cold outside today I don't feel like running out there anyway so the treadmill it is.
Chances are I will be going radio silent for a few days after today, don't worry, it is fine. I just need to do some sorting in my own head. I will be back, and I am staying on track even if the path looks a little different than planned.
Peace, Love and Light