In my little world over the past 14 days three young people have been taken home to heaven, with each, the knife felt as if it was dug deeper and deeper bringing back the loss of my Deanna and Little Dustin, until ... until it feels as if all of the pain has pumped from my heart and I am completely numb to everything except anger. I am smart enough to realize that after all of this time that my broken heart is just displaying itself as an angry woman who is questioning every existence in her life. I know you are thinking that sounds completely horrid and irrational and that we should not question such things, sorry it is just what happens. I wonder why you are here and my child is gone, I wonder why I am here and your child is gone, I wonder why Charles Manson lives and the sweet child in OBX left us at 12. I wonder what kind of God does this. Yes folks there it is, I question God and sometimes get incredibly angry at him too.
Someone recently just told me that they do get angry at God and said they felt horrible about it because they knew they should not. My question back was why shouldn't you get angry? You are a human you have emotions and feelings and those include anger.
I am not writing a sermon today by any means just getting some thoughts off of my chest. (PS I am in no means qualified to tell you about God.. these are just MY thoughts).
Grief is a mysterious creature that bares it's nasty fangs whenever it feels like it, for me it crashes down when the weather turns, when the holidays are upon us, when that empty chair is so noticeable, as in now. This year it has been compounded by the loss of so many recently. I wish I had the magic words to tell you how to fix me, how to fix your loved one that is feeling the misery of this. I can tell you some things that seem to help...
- Talking about Deanna, remembering silly stories, being with people who aren't afraid to bring up her name
- Being told it is ok to hurt, so many people just want us to be ok that they forget that not being ok is normal and they will push to have us be something that we just aren't.
- Having someone hold your hand when you need to cry, no one really wants to watch someone else cry, they want to fix it and fix it now, don't... just let us cry. Hand us a tissue and tell us you are right there.
- An invitation to do ... anything. We may not always accept, we may need you to show up at our house and tell us GET DRESSED! WE ARE GOING OUT! (caps because it may take some force) We will bury ourselves behind closed doors, bad TV and blankets if allowed. Its easier here, we don't have to face anything.
- Do not ask us to.. "Come up with something you want to do." The answer most of us have.. "I would like to die now. Can you fix that for me? Oh you can't .. I know let's bring my child back now. Can we do that?" Those are the things we want to do. You are our loved ones, our friends, you are supposed to know us. If you are concerned that whatever you chose upsets us and we may cry.. please see every bullet above.
- If we go just a little overboard with Christmas gifts, or birthday presents for your child... let us. Chances are we aren't buying them a new car or a dream vacation so it shouldn't be but so bad. I know you wonder why we do this.. it is our way of honoring our angels, we also do this with angel tree children too. We know you feel like we are spoiling them, and we are, because we would give anything to have one last chance to spoil our own (PS I have awesome friends who allow me to do this with their children.. even if one of them is hard headed about it)
- If we have a hard time decorating for the holidays... just do it for us. Show up with eggnog.. lights .. a baby tree.. a few decorations and whallaaa instant holiday lights to bring back beautiful memories and fill us all with the glow of Christmas Angels. I know you are thinking why don't you just put up your own.. well it took me 3 years but now I know.. those boxes are filled with memories, each piece, each item brings a crashing memory of our children. Imagine opening a box and your child's Christmas stocking is there.. and having to face that it will never be used again. Yea.. that is why we don't decorate anymore.
- If we have a Christmas tree for our babies and we ask for ornaments. Take a few minutes and make it happen, I can not begin to tell you how much that means to us to know that for just a few minutes our friends thought of our baby during the busiest time of year. You don't know our child? So what.. you know US.
- You know all those meals and food that you brought to the house the week we lost our babies? We appreciated it and we are sure that someone ate it. It probably wasn't us. Now.. now is when we need that extra support. Now is when we need to be able to come home and not worry about dinner, just that one little thing could take so much burden off of us. I know you are thinking "it has been almost 3 years I think you can handle it." Sure.. sure I can. I have been able to handle enormous things in the last 2 years and 7 months, but you asked what would help, so I am telling you. (yes you may find us in our ratty pajamas when you show up, bring some with you and we will have a mock slumber party)
- Of all of these things there is nothing more important than this. Never say "I know how you feel" You don't. I don't. I would NEVER tell another mother I know how you feel why? Because everyone is different. Instead say.. "I am here for you." Never say "It's time to move on.. move forward.. put it in the past.. to stop grieving.. " these are our children, it will never happen so stop saying it. Saying that to us makes us feel like you think something is wrong with us. Please refer to the first part of this, you don't know how we feel so please don't attempt to say anything of the such. We do know must of you mean no harm, but it still hurts badly.
1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen
This Christmas season I have nothing left but .. Hope.
Bless you all.