I am sorry to my sisters who are going to read this and think.. Shit we thought she was through this. To my mother who is going to read this and probably cry and feel hopeless. To my bff who is in Florida and going to try to figure out how hard he is going to shake me when he gets home. To my person who is going to cry, get mad, and call me later with a big WTH RE! To my lifting ladies I am sorry you are going to wonder why I didn't reach out. To my multiple friends and family who are going to read this and try to figure out if you should rush over or back away. To my trainer I am sorry I didn't tell you today but I was too focused. To my daddy who will hear about this at some point and not know what to do... but mainly... I am sorry to my boys, I am just sorry. You need to know that none of this is about, because of, or even remotely to do with you!
I think it is safe to say that I am doing better. I have seen the sunshine and felt the power of myself in my step and my soul over the past few weeks. I believe most people have seen this. I know I have heard from many of you via Facebook saying GREAT JOB! and many other wonderful words. I can not even begin to tell you how very much each one means to me and I do read each and every one. I can't tell you how much it means to me for you to tell me I am doing great in person, I may shy away and make up some OH yea right.. well I sucked today statement because of my insecurities but I do hear you and I know you mean it. You actually do not know the power of those words.
A few weeks ago I told someone who is working with me to get me stronger and healthier that I had a hard time with fall and winter. That is when the darkness just sinks its ugly teeth in me and tries to drag me down. I also vowed to not stop working on my physical strength and well being this fall and winter, that when it gets nasty just show up in the gym. I am sure that I could probably call or text him and say dude.. please get there now and he would, I made that promise and I will keep it. I have seen the power of it.
Some of you know that this past week I was out of town, away from my kitchen, away from my gym, away from my bff, away from my best friend and helping her, my trainer, my lifting ladies, my kid, my dog... I was away from everything I had worked so hard to make routine over the last 7 weeks. There was nothing I could do about this, it was work related and I had to go. I wasn't ready. I kept my food under control, I worked out (both of which were firsts on a work trip because hello.. FREE FOOD) but ultimately I did not sleep well, after not sleeping well, I got sad, after I got sad, I sat in the airport and watched families and couples and could see love in the eyes of people as they held hands and discussed plans. I saw people calling people letting them know when they would be home. I overheard a father call and wish his children a good night. I watched as a family sat together on their way home from vacation sharing memories.... and all of a sudden I felt like a monster.
It all came crashing down, here I am 45 years old, fighting tooth and nail to regain some sort of physical appearance that does not resemble Jabba the Hutt, trying desperately to maintain some hold on happiness, all the while feeling like I have never been in love and probably will never have another human in love with me and that I failed at life's natural task of being a mother, I couldn't even keep my dog alive. What was my purpose .. I had failed at life.
During this meltdown I sent a message to my trainer, basically saying I didn't think I could work out the following day and lets reschedule. He came back with "Ok you can have 2 hours later than your normal slot". That wasn't what exactly I was going for but I agreed just to meet him at the normal time. I don't know why I sent that message because the other thoughts in my head knew it didn't matter. I knew it probably was not going to happen at either time slot.
I boarded the plane, which was a rinky dink little puddle jumper and I thought ya know, there is a chance here. (here is your last warning people.. it gets bad) I wished that plane wouldn't make it out of New York. It did. I then thought well you still have a chance between here and Norfolk.. it made it. We landed everyone was safe and sound. I gathered my belongs and proceeded to the parking lot. It was dark, it was late, and then I just wished for someone to just jump out of bushes. They didn't. I made it to my car, and that is where things got really bad. I threw everything in the car, turned up the radio, left off my seat belt and drove way too fast. I cried, I screamed, I banged on the steering wheel, I contemplated how fast I needed to be going when I hit a pole to not make it. I thought if I could make it to the bridge I would just jump because lets face it I can not swim that well, all the while coming up with my story I was going to tell the cop that was going to pull me over, and hell maybe I could just charge him and they would shoot me. I wanted to die... again.. just like that out of the blue.
I know some of you are probably angry because you feel like I am just throwing life away, for that I am sorry, but I really feel like I already threw the best of it away and now it is just waiting out the inevitable. I am sorry that I am not as strong as some of you thought.
I think the more important part is either through my weakness or some miracle I am still here to write this to you today. Some where in that massive meltdown last night, I remembered I made a promise. When it got bad I would go to the gym. It didn't make the feeling go away. It was not an easy trip home but I made it. This morning I got up and I put on my work out clothes and I waited patiently for 1130. I walked in the gym absolutely done but I kept my promise to myself. I made it there.
My work out today was a mixture of new things that were incredibly hard and things I have been doing and I now feel stronger at. When my hour was over I walked out of that door feeling so much different than just 12 short hours before. I made it through. As I sit here and I spill my soul through this keyboard I realize that as I navigate my way through the rest of my life and this incredibly grief and my own mental tangles with my failures and shortcomings, that the new things, such as sudden onslaught of suicide tendencies, they are going to be INCREDIBLY hard, but as I continue to do them I will ultimately get stronger and stronger until I have won.
So while I know that this is so very hard for many of you to read.. if just one person is struggling and feeling like they are at the end. Just keep hanging on. Just do the next thing. Tomorrow this will be one hell of an incredibly hard thing you have done to make yourself stronger!
Make yourself a positive promise and Just Do It!
Peace and Love