I sit here wondering why it seems so easy for some people to let go of the bad that has happened to them and move on and then for others like me they hold on to it like Rose held on to that plank in the Titanic. I don't really want to hold on to it, it's just there and rears its ugly head and gives me 50 lashes before I even knew it was there.
I am realizing that I need to let go of the pain, the hurt, the heartache, the betrayals, the broken dreams, the lies people told, because my tightened grip on those things is causing me to lose my grip on love, reality, the ability to see a future, and ultimately my life.
It sounds so easy doesn't it? Just let it go and let the sunshine in. Simple. Stop dwelling on the fact that you are no where near where you need to be. Where your love is. Where your life is. Don't think about it. Believe that it will all happen and happen quickly. Believe in that. Believe in it, have faith. So so simple. Just BELIEVE.
Then you scroll through Facebook and you see that you are going to miss another bootcamp, that your bug is growing faster than she should, that beach dates are way out of reach, the knitting store is full of laughter. You wake up for work and before 6:30 am you are sweating in your desk chair because it is so hot, and a quick glance around the room reminds you yet again that your child will never come home. You feel utterly and completely alone because no one gets that you wake up every day praying that it is miracle day and go to bed wondering again why you are so stuck in this place that you don't belong, with your heart broken all over again.
It takes an incredible amount of strength to over look that life is passing by and you are what feels like a million miles away from it and every move you have made to try to get home wasn't big enough, even after you gave it all you had to give. So letting go... how do you let go of pain and heartache which is like a 3 inch steel wire that not only do you have a hold of but it has a hold of you, wrapping it's way around your arm and straight through your heart and hold on to the guitar string that doesn't even have a knot in the end?