No doubt it has been a very rough month on me. My life line to the beach and my friends and family was severed with no repair in sight. I was already spinning in a mild depressive state when that happened which sent me into a straight downward spiral. Almost as fast as that straight drop water ride that to me seems insane. (yes I have decided I am now old). Pure complete darkness surrounded me, that darkness is so deep and so intense that even when people are trying to force light into my life it manifests as a particle of dust.
In the last 3 years I have gotten to know my depression well and have likened it to the forest called Aokigahara. Aokigahara is a forest so deep, so quiet, so terrifyingly eerie that many go there simply to die. Once inside this forest even if someone KNEW you were there it is so dense, dark and large the chances of finding them are slim to none. That is how I feel when the darkness takes over, that I have come here to die and no one will ever find me.
I do realize in moments like right his minute that people do see me, they just don't know what to do. I get it.. I really really do. Heck I myself don't know what to do when this happens, so I just hold on with everything in me, which some days isn't a lot. It's like the cartoons when the cat is hanging on to the rope and strand by strand you watch it pop until that one last lonely strand and you are just waiting on the guitar string noise to know that it is over. (have you noticed I spend a lot of time in my own head analyzing my depression?)
I should offer full disclosure here and let you know that part of my depression is caused by own hand. About two years ago I stopped taking medication for it. I was so overly medicated that I really wasn't even me at all. Please don't try to convince me that I need to be on something, it won't get you anywhere at all. It is something I have made up my mind about. I have absolutely no idea what all that crap is doing to my body or mind and flat out don't want to live that way. I would rather battle the darkness for weeks on end to find the light at the end of the tunnel than life in a joyless fog.
Side note: IF YOU ARE ON MEDICATION do not stop taking them because of my thoughts. Secondly if you do in the future decide to stop please do so under Drs care. I didn't.. it was hairy.
If you haven't noticed today so far is one of those days I can focus on life without a stream of tears and can really discuss things that are going on. So I am going to take this moment and tell you a story.
On Tuesday I posted the following in a status update "Today could potential be the day that has all of the answers." Many people that day prayed and hoped and had faith for me that the answer would come. By 7 pm that evening I had gotten the message that the answer wasn't the answer. That once again it had fallen through and there was no light at the end of the tunnel still. Tears fell, I questioned my faith, my belief, my own worth, trying to decide where exactly I had gone so very wrong that the Universe or God hated me so, that every prayer to get me home has been denied, that so much has been taken away, that so much pain had been dished upon my heart, was I really just a horrible person? No answer came.
I am not sure when I realized this, weather it last night, or this morning but at some point in time I realized that on Tuesday out of the blue I received a text from one of my dearest friends with an offer. It wasn't a sure thing, it wasn't 100% ideal (at least not from where I was sitting) It wasn't the answer that I THOUGHT I wanted. It still isn't a sure thing, there are lots of if's and maybes and all kinds of things revolving around it, but right there in front of me.. was an answer that came. I am going to pursue this answer and see it through to the end, it isn't immediate, but it is soon enough that I can see the light sneaking in. So all.. I ask you to continue with the good juju, the powerful prayer, and the heartfelt jedi thoughts until I return home. It's working .. I can feel it!
Sometimes you just have to open your heart to possibilities outside of what your mind thinks they should look like.
In the last 3 years I have gotten to know my depression well and have likened it to the forest called Aokigahara. Aokigahara is a forest so deep, so quiet, so terrifyingly eerie that many go there simply to die. Once inside this forest even if someone KNEW you were there it is so dense, dark and large the chances of finding them are slim to none. That is how I feel when the darkness takes over, that I have come here to die and no one will ever find me.
I do realize in moments like right his minute that people do see me, they just don't know what to do. I get it.. I really really do. Heck I myself don't know what to do when this happens, so I just hold on with everything in me, which some days isn't a lot. It's like the cartoons when the cat is hanging on to the rope and strand by strand you watch it pop until that one last lonely strand and you are just waiting on the guitar string noise to know that it is over. (have you noticed I spend a lot of time in my own head analyzing my depression?)
I should offer full disclosure here and let you know that part of my depression is caused by own hand. About two years ago I stopped taking medication for it. I was so overly medicated that I really wasn't even me at all. Please don't try to convince me that I need to be on something, it won't get you anywhere at all. It is something I have made up my mind about. I have absolutely no idea what all that crap is doing to my body or mind and flat out don't want to live that way. I would rather battle the darkness for weeks on end to find the light at the end of the tunnel than life in a joyless fog.
Side note: IF YOU ARE ON MEDICATION do not stop taking them because of my thoughts. Secondly if you do in the future decide to stop please do so under Drs care. I didn't.. it was hairy.
If you haven't noticed today so far is one of those days I can focus on life without a stream of tears and can really discuss things that are going on. So I am going to take this moment and tell you a story.
On Tuesday I posted the following in a status update "Today could potential be the day that has all of the answers." Many people that day prayed and hoped and had faith for me that the answer would come. By 7 pm that evening I had gotten the message that the answer wasn't the answer. That once again it had fallen through and there was no light at the end of the tunnel still. Tears fell, I questioned my faith, my belief, my own worth, trying to decide where exactly I had gone so very wrong that the Universe or God hated me so, that every prayer to get me home has been denied, that so much has been taken away, that so much pain had been dished upon my heart, was I really just a horrible person? No answer came.
I am not sure when I realized this, weather it last night, or this morning but at some point in time I realized that on Tuesday out of the blue I received a text from one of my dearest friends with an offer. It wasn't a sure thing, it wasn't 100% ideal (at least not from where I was sitting) It wasn't the answer that I THOUGHT I wanted. It still isn't a sure thing, there are lots of if's and maybes and all kinds of things revolving around it, but right there in front of me.. was an answer that came. I am going to pursue this answer and see it through to the end, it isn't immediate, but it is soon enough that I can see the light sneaking in. So all.. I ask you to continue with the good juju, the powerful prayer, and the heartfelt jedi thoughts until I return home. It's working .. I can feel it!
Sometimes you just have to open your heart to possibilities outside of what your mind thinks they should look like.
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