It's so not fabulous. I am not one for body shaming. It is not my place to judge a fat person. We all have our reasons. But I literally HATE my fat body. I try not to look in the mirror very much, I see a wart hog. Odd thing to think of huh? Not really, my brother in his infinite I can't hurt you physically because you are bigger than me 7 year old wisdom decided that was a way to hurt me, it did, his friends caught on, and 40 years later it still sticks with me. I literally look at myself in the mirror and say.. "You wart hog" . I hate me that much. I look old. I look tired. Most of all I just look fat. I try on clothes and nothing fits correctly because I have this mammoth belly and smaller legs and decent boobs but large biceps and huge calves I am so out of proportion that it is literally easier to just dress like a bum. I put on my work apron and it looks like I tied a piece of material around humpty dumpty... round. Guess what the chances are of getting rid of the round naturally are. Like negative 20%. So encouraging. Wart Hog.
It's so not fabulous. My mother and I were talking about fears one day, I can't remember how it came up or what led to our conversation but she says.. "My biggest fear was being round." to which I simply raised my hand and said "Hi". She wasn't trying to hurt me, she was just telling the truth and quite possibly she doesn't see the real me. Most mothers don't see their children in the true light. But here I am .. my mothers worst fear. Round. Being round was obviously not my biggest fear cause here I am in all of my stay puff marshmallow glory. My biggest fear was actually losing a child.. I did.. twice. So here I am on the other side of my biggest fear and I still do not have the gumption or courage to not be round. Humpty DumpRe.
It's so not fabulous. I don't like people touching me. I think when they do they feel "smoosh". I am a hugger so it is this double edge thing... do I hug them so they know I love them and care but what if they feel the smoosh. God forbid they accidentally touch the mammoth belly, I know what goes through their minds, wart hog smoosh... ewwwwww. Smoosh Belly.
It's so not fabulous. I don't like photos. Beside normal people I look the part of huge well. I literally make two of my friends. My face alone covers more room than some of their rear ends! Butt Face.
It's so not fabulous. When I run everything jiggles. No one wants to see that. Stay in the back so no one has to see. Oh god someone is behind me they are catching up. Stop running, walk so they don't see that your pants are scooting down and your inner shirt is up around your boobs and there is SMOOSH COMING OUT! I wonder what people think when they see me at the end of a race, the Spartans especially. Fat Ass.
It's so not fabulous. None of this is fabulous.
I can't for the life of me make me like myself or even see what I potentially could be because I absolutely hate who I am. The internal monster inside of me just keeps me rooted in self hatred so deeply that every time I try to break free it comes rushing back to pull me into this pit of wart hog lard.
So the question is how do I find self worth and self love in order to become this better me when all it takes is a accidental glance in the mirror when you are weighing yourself (I am down 5 lbs this week by the way) to set off a water fall of hate and emotion. I absolutely could not even congratulate myself on a week well done because my gray matter was already tuned up.
The things I heard this morning at 4:45 am.
"OH MY GOD... your stomach! It's HUGE!!"
"LOOK at the tops of your thighs... what is that.. gross."
"You have a bruise, wonder what your fat ass couldn't get by this time"
"Your face.. you look exhausted.. and old.. your an old tired hag."
"Look at you.. no one could ever love .... that"
"You are a disappointment and a failure... just give up you are never going to do it. You have been like this for years."
"Go back to bed, they wont' miss you, you just hold everyone back."
What would you do if someone talked to you like that before 5 am .. before coffee? I would probably be in jail, but here am I allowing myself to talk to me that way and don't really know how to stop it.
I went this morning. I struggled. God I struggled. I smiled. I laughed. I encouraged. And I put myself down the entire time.
"You can't even run up the bleachers"
"Your pants are falling down because you are round"
"Your spare tire is flapping and cold because your under layer is rolled up under your boobs"
"Look at you rolling around on the ground like a rolly polly!"
This has to stop. I wish I had a magic answer and could say self... stop that and poof gone, unfortunately, it is just not that easy and....
It's so not fabulous.
Peace and Love