Let's start by explaining where I am currently... like physically on an anxiety level. Something just fell on the porch, if you have ever seen our porch you know that could be just about anything, if you have not seen our porch, it is very .. eccentric. Well something just went bump.. not a bang but just a bump and my heart is RACING.. I nearly jumped out of my chair and grabbed Banx to run! My hands are actually shaking... physically shaking! Nothing is "wrong" no one has a gray face this morning (i am still laughing over that.. now) no one called in the middle of the night with an issue.. I literally woke up this way from a NIGHTMARE! I know you are thinking what she gonna do share her dreams with us now? No, I do not intend to but this one I NEED too! One so I can calm down and two because I think it has a message .. maybe I don't know .. either way the number one reason is reason enough!
It's going to be a bit confusing to try to tell you who the people were in my dreams so I am going to try to do that first.
Jessica Schlosshan you were you... and you will be you.
My captor.. was a morph of previous men in my life.. exes.. it was weird. (referred to as Captor)
The person in the cell with me was a morph of my boys but they weren't my boys they were my brother. (referred to as Brother)
My memory of the dream starts in a basement like setting, it was dirty and damp and had these rooms, the rooms were all screen like from a screened in porch. There were no electronics, there were some large plant pots, big heavy plant pots. I wasn't afraid when the dream started we were in the basement looking for something. I was young, a teenager. My captor had me and my brother in his basement "working" although we could not figure out what we were supposed to be doing or what we were looking for, but we kept looking and looking and moving things all around. There was a window and it started getting dark. I told my captor that it was time for us to get home our dad would be looking for us. The captor says "Oh I have already called him, you can spend the night" It didn't feel right so I said "No, I would like to go home now" but the captor brings down a tv and video games and my brother starts playing them and tells me I am a loser and to shut up. When it is time for bed the captor gets up and goes through one of the doors and locks it behind him, leaving my brother and I locked in.
This was when my brother didn't want to be there anymore, there were no beds just two pillows in a corner. When the captor locked the door he said this is for our own good and don't try to get out because he will be watching. We made it through that night and the next morning we told the captor to again let us leave, again the answer was no, he had talked to our dad and we were to stay with him for awhile. He brought breakfast and more games. At some point I told my brother that we absolutely had to get out and the next time he left the house we were going to throw one of the plant potters through the screens and run. It was literally screens, all we had to do was try. That night there were noises and there were men... putting bars on the windows. We missed our chance.
The longer we stayed the more panicked I felt, the more panicked I felt the more I acted out to our captor. At one point the cops came looking for us, but the captor recorded it and played it back laughing at how smooth he handled the situation. How they wouldn't be back, no one was coming to help us. The more panicked I felt the calmer my brother became, the captor was playing up to him, always bringing food and games, I even said "Don't you see what is happening? We have to leave." he shrugged and said "We can't so why try, besides he isn't that bad." In this dream .. in my dream.. I FELT that.. like everything in me sank, still I KNEW I had to get out.
Our captor had created a living room with a bed just outside of our screened in cage. The cage had this slot in it where he would pass things to us when he didn't want to come in, I noticed some papers on the table in reach and I grabbed them. They were custody papers. That is where you come in Jess.. oddly enough it was Jessica who was fighting for custody of us, it was page after page after page of all of the wrong doings of this man, and Jess simply stated she wanted to help us get out. The feeling was incredible! Someone knew we were there and wanted to help! They were coming! Except he walked in and grabbed the papers and laughed in my face. He tells me that Jessica has lost, and that we were now his and his alone, and besides what would I do without him. I told him I was going to kill him, that he was going to die. Again he laughs in my face and with a terrible smell expels "Try". I reached out and grabbed his throat and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed.. his face turned blue, he wasn't breathing, he went limp and slumped to the floor and I held on with everything in me until my arms were on fire, there were tears running down my face, and then I felt it under my fingers, his heartbeat, it never slowed, it never faded. He was alive, strong as ever and mad. My brother played video games.
I was beaten and tired, my brother was broken and lost, but still I knew I needed to get out. My captor went out on the weekends, I knew that he had cameras that watched us, but I also knew the bar he went to (how I knew this I don't know other than it was a bar I used to go to years ago and I somehow knew our location) was almost an hour from the house, I knew if I waited for an hour that he would be far enough away I may be able to run! The day came, I told my brother the plan, he said "Play video games with me, I am not leaving". I knew I had to leave him and try to help him some other way.. 10 minutes... 20 minutes... 30 minutes.. my heart was racing I wanted to go then, I had to act normal.. finally the time came I took that pot that had been sitting there since the very beginning threw it through the screen, then bashed it on the bars, which weren't even metal, they shattered. I was OUT! But I had to run, I had to get far far away.
I had a little dog, a little white dog, I was running and running, there was so much woods, I didn't have shoes. I could see the road but there were sand spurs.. (hey it was a dream I know they don't' belong there) I kept going. I made it to the road but I was scared I didn't know how much time had past, it seemed like so long! I see a car coming, little dog and all I step right into the road and start waving frantically "PLEASE STOP" It was a little lady, as in small stature, she was neither young or old, but she was obviously frightened at my appearance. She asked what I wanted, and I replied that I needed a ride, she refused, scared. I begged, "I know you don't know me, I have been gone so long, I am Ann Marie, please help me, he is coming!". There was a stunned look, a dropped jaw, and a glance over my shoulder... there he was.. running towards us down the road! "HE IS COMING HE IS COMING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!" The lady screamed get in and in the back seat I dove, little doggie in tow and locked the door. He caught us. He was clawing at the door handle, it was locked. He was beating on the window. I was screaming. We didn't speed off, there was suddenly traffic, we were at a stop light!!! People were inching along, he was beating, the dog was barking. Her window was cracked!!!!! His hand reached in, his fingers were grazing the lock. The light changed, people were moving.. I was screaming.... we took off. We kept his hand.
I woke up.
I laid there in my bed, scared to move, scared to breath, petrified at what my brain had just created and thinking.. "what WAS THAT????" One word came to mind.... addiction. Let me start by saying, I don't think it was only referring to drugs (more on that in a few) but just overall. We all know how I am with food and my coffee creamer, to say I am addicted is plain and simply the truth. There have been so many ways out for all of these years, but it seems impossible, even with a large heavy planter there to smash through the barriers, I have been waiting on someone to come help, to save me. In the end of my dream.. it was on me. In the end, I couldn't wait for my brother to come with me, I couldn't wait for a friend to come in and swoop me out, I couldn't wait for my captor to die. I had to find my chance, take it, run like hell and GET OUT! I am there now, running, in the sandspurs, that painful part where you are having to leave the things behind. My feet are bleeding and it feels like it could be easier to go back than to keep going. I know I have to keep going. When you get through the pain, and you make it to the road, that is when it is time to look for the little lady, you still have to be the biggest player in your battle, you have to be stronger and more willing than the friends that help, but they can help now. I am close, they are starting to say "Get in!"
Wondering what is up with that hand we took with us on our drive off? You don't ever completely get rid of your captor. It's still there.. in cold case at the grocery store, in the chip isle, on the street corner, on Snapchat, in the ABC store.. right there with you day after day, but the captor doesn't have YOU anymore, you have it. You control the captor as long as you have the knowledge that it is there and you remember to never let it grow.
I felt like I had to share this dream with you all today, because I myself have wondered, why people can't shake drug addictions. (How insanely stupid of someone who has a coffee creamer addiction to even think but hey.. here we are) and what it must feel like to be them, some how this dream happened, and I hope that it may explain to others that don't understand. That they can see, it isn't that they don't' want help but that captor is so big and so powerful... that even with the flower pot sitting there it seems impossible to escape.
On an episode of Dr Phil, this week he hosted Dr Laura Berman, on which she spoke of the loss of her child to social media accessed drugs. There is a facebook group.. Parents for safer children. There are so many stories, so many lives, that are cut so short. So many parents in grief, some who's children are still fighting, some who's children have gone on their next journey. I am asking you today, to talk to your kids, and by kids I mean your children regardless of age. Even those that may be just a little too young, especially those that are "recreational users", the captor is big, he can lock that door at any second and with Fentanyl being laced in with just about everything, he just may take the flower pot with him.
If this ridiculous dream can help save one child so that one mother does not have to face life after it has done all that it needed. If this ridiculous dream can help one person understand what it must feel like to be locked in when we on the outside look and see it as an option it has done all that it needed. If this ridiculous dream has shown someone that they can only help when the addicted is ready and walking through the sand spurs it has done all that is needed. If this ridiculous dream leads one person to help a beaten, bloody, scared addict who has finally made it to the road it has done all that is needed. If this ridiculous dream ...
Today I leave you with simply this.. where there is love, there is hope, where there is hope, there is a way.
Peace Love and Light