No one said this would be easy every day. Truth is it isn't ever going to be "easy". Each week the tasks get harder as my body gets stronger. Yesterday and this morning my brain tried to have a melt down because I didn't feel like I was performing as well as I wanted. I want my form to be perfect, I want my reps to not be broken, I want to appear, no, I want to BE strong and to BE strong I have to fight. Which means each week I have to put more on the floor. More sweat, more blood (no I haven't bled yet.. I am sure it will happen) and more tears.
I know you are thinking tears? Why would you even want to go there? I will tell you why, because this is a (insert curse word here) process! It is a journey of not only health and well being but digging out of a deep dark hole that I have found myself in. I end up examining things that got me here, in hopes to tackle them head on and not have to face them again, or if I do face them be able to defeat them in a way I wasn't before.
A horrifying truth I am facing right now is the grief. I have mentioned before that there is a clinical diagnosis for the grief I face and it is called "complicated grief disorder" throw in a dash of depression and PTSD and you have the perfect storm. The easiest way for me to describe it is think of the grief as a huge truck of dirt and when someone you love dies this entire truck of dirt is dumped on top of you and you have to pick and dig your way out and clear out all of this dirt, it takes weeks maybe months but YOU MADE IT! You are out, and for some period of time you are ok and you can function and you think everything is going... BOOM!!!! The load of dirt is dumped on you again without warning, and you have to dig again. This happens over and over. Each time the load of dirt has been dumped on me it ultimately pushed me down even farther than before. This is a obstacle I have to defeat, I have to stop the dirt before it falls. I am a bit scared to be honest, because there is a scent in the air, a little tiny nip at times, a leaf has turned. It is almost the time of year that it seems the dirt always dumps. I don't have time to shovel out and hold on to a kettlebell. I need the dirt to just not fall, I need to see that it is falling and run out of its way. I need to rally all my support and just scream.. it is HAPPENING.. CAN YOU HELP CATCH THE DIRT! Don't let it bury me again. As I said.. it is a (insert curse word) process.
Just like with the physical aspect of my journey and having to push harder and fight more to continue to grow and get stronger, I am going to have to do the same with the demons. No life will never be perfect, I will never be perfect, but it can be better and stronger.
Love
Re
PS it was flipping HOT the last two days.. do not let that 5 degree drop fool you into "Oh lets work outside" YIKES!
I know you are thinking tears? Why would you even want to go there? I will tell you why, because this is a (insert curse word here) process! It is a journey of not only health and well being but digging out of a deep dark hole that I have found myself in. I end up examining things that got me here, in hopes to tackle them head on and not have to face them again, or if I do face them be able to defeat them in a way I wasn't before.
A horrifying truth I am facing right now is the grief. I have mentioned before that there is a clinical diagnosis for the grief I face and it is called "complicated grief disorder" throw in a dash of depression and PTSD and you have the perfect storm. The easiest way for me to describe it is think of the grief as a huge truck of dirt and when someone you love dies this entire truck of dirt is dumped on top of you and you have to pick and dig your way out and clear out all of this dirt, it takes weeks maybe months but YOU MADE IT! You are out, and for some period of time you are ok and you can function and you think everything is going... BOOM!!!! The load of dirt is dumped on you again without warning, and you have to dig again. This happens over and over. Each time the load of dirt has been dumped on me it ultimately pushed me down even farther than before. This is a obstacle I have to defeat, I have to stop the dirt before it falls. I am a bit scared to be honest, because there is a scent in the air, a little tiny nip at times, a leaf has turned. It is almost the time of year that it seems the dirt always dumps. I don't have time to shovel out and hold on to a kettlebell. I need the dirt to just not fall, I need to see that it is falling and run out of its way. I need to rally all my support and just scream.. it is HAPPENING.. CAN YOU HELP CATCH THE DIRT! Don't let it bury me again. As I said.. it is a (insert curse word) process.
Just like with the physical aspect of my journey and having to push harder and fight more to continue to grow and get stronger, I am going to have to do the same with the demons. No life will never be perfect, I will never be perfect, but it can be better and stronger.
Love
Re
PS it was flipping HOT the last two days.. do not let that 5 degree drop fool you into "Oh lets work outside" YIKES!
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