That really isn't fair. I have a cute little tree, it will serve it's purpose I think. This year for the first year I felt the pull to have a tree. Like I really needed a tree. It wasn't a want it is was a need. I also knew that I couldn't open the first box of Christmas ornaments or decorations that I have, so I was faced with a dilemma. How do I pull this off...
I know, I know you are thinking go the store and buy one you dummy. No... no good. The Christmas section is avoided at ALL costs. You breeze through grab exactly what you need and OUT! Triggers my friends triggers. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous but when I feel the darkness reaching for me like some kind of Dementor out of Harry Potter I know there are certain places and things that I just can not do. A sweet little Christmas decoration can shove me over the edge. A camo pink edged stocking and I won't be able to function for days. Yes I know my own illness that well, frightening isn't it?
To the beautiful friend who was going to actually bring a tree.. thank you. It meant more to me than you will ever know, but I suppose it was the push I needed to get it figured out on my own. I realized then at that moment no tree was going to magically appear, I knew my limits, and had to figure out the next best plan. The ceramic tree from 1973 just wasn't going to be what I needed this year... yes you heard me right we still have a ceramic tree.. green with all those crazy lights on it.
I remembered that I saved one of Deanna's little trees! (she is getting her very own live tree this year! We never have had one so this is going to be something new...) So I marched my rear end out to the garage and dusted it off. In my cleaning of the table I was going to put it on, to my shock, I found some ornaments in the drawer! I hung those on there and tada instant tree. Its not perfect by any means and it may not put off much light... but its fitting because I am neither perfect nor putting off much light these days.
(Insert long crappy words about the meaning of a Christmas Tree here... I am begging you do not Google it... it will depress you!)
I do realize that some of you think that Christmas trees are for children. They may be .. I don't know .. what I do know is that Christmas holds many many beautiful memories with my children. From matching outfits for picture time (yes I was that mom) to pajamas Christmas Eve, sweet smiles in the morning as their eyes lit up at the surprises Santa had brought, the last Christmas Eve church service... For three Christmases now I have fought to not remember. The memories were just a bit to fresh into the wounds of missing her. This year I just want to sit quietly by the twinkling lights and have them sprinkle my heart with the kids hugs and laughter of Christmas.
So if you see me this year.. just gazing at your tree seemingly lost in thought.. a hug is all that is needed.
Merry Christmas Trees to All!