Before the accident I firmly lived my life in 0 to 3, rarely if ever hit a 4 to 6 for any extended period of time, never a 7 to 10 unless there was a short period of grief or turmoil. I was a fairly lets just do this kinda girl. Since the accident my chart has shifted, 0 is now a 4 because 0 to 3 don't even register for any amount of time, 6 to 8 is the norm, and 9 to 10.. the bad days. My brain and heart can be registering a 10 yet my face shows you a solid 6. I know what you are thinking, if 10 is the worse the worse had to be when the accident happened. You are correct, that was the worst of the worst, it is not measurable, that amount of pain can't be charted or defined, what I am talking about is after the initial pain.
I try to explain this all the time, but I don't think I am getting through. Or maybe I am and people don't know what to do with it since I keep managing to get through. I don't know, it doesn't matter as there is not much anyone can do about it, I just don't want other people to feel trapped in this world of saddness thinking they are alone. The alone feeling is the worst! I see you! I hear you! Your 10 before isn't anymore and you can fake a 6 like nobody's business! You are my people! I hear your song. Yes I am making light of it, because if I don't I will drown in this. Once again the weather and the holidays have me swimming in the bottomless pit of 9 trying to drag me to 10 on a minute by minute. Struggling daily to do daily.
I know it has to be hard for my family to watch, and heaven knows I wish I could just shake it off. Just do different. Each night I go to bed with dreams of what tomorrow will be. Tomorrow comes .. and again I dream of what tomorrow's tomorrow will be. It has to get better right? It did before. Just keep on hanging on until the pit of darkness lightens. I feel like Dory.. just keep swimming swimming swimming.
Where' s the point in this post you are wondering? Oh I don't know that there always has to be a good solid point. I mean this IS my blog and sometimes I don't make good sense, but today isn't one of those days. My point is, do you know someone who is struggling? Who you know is hurting? Have you in the past few weeks been asked about a friend, a family member and your response was. "Oh they are doing well, much better than I would have thought, they are ok." Take a few minutes, stop what you are doing right now and take a few minutes and think again. Really look. Really see. Are they at a 9 but their face is showing you a 6? What can you do to help them be at a 4 for just a few minutes?
Happy dreams for a better tomorrow to all.