Give. Live. Hug.
Follow Me:
  • Re's Journey
    • Re's Journey 2011-2013
    • Re's Journey 2007 - 2011
  • Spindles
  • Cafe Mais Sha
  • De's Story
    • Photos of De
    • Signs of De
    • Deanna Hugs
  • Glimpses into my mind
  • Banx, Kittum and Fat Beagle
  • Favorite People, Places and Things
    • Family and Friends
    • Bootcamp Family
    • Favorite Places and Things
    • Me!
    • Crafties I Made
    • Deanna's Christmas Tree
  • Encouragements, Insights, and Funnies
    • Encouragement MeMes
    • Funny MeMes
    • Grief Memes
    • Favorite Postsecrets
    • Words of Support from April 20th
  • Races, Runs and other Fun Events
    • Deanna's Candle Light Service
    • Deanna's 5k 2013
    • Pretty Muddy
    • OBX Marathon 2013
  • Contact Us

Resurrection

4/23/2019

0 Comments

 
Picture
Picture
Every year around this time, sometimes a bit sooner, sometimes a bit later is Easter. Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Me I am over here celebrating the yearly resurrection of Re. (not that Jesus doesn't deserve mad props but I need this a bit more right now)

April 21st. Resurrection day, out of the ashes of the year before's downward spiral of hell. Every single year I say IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I GOT THIS. Every single year I crash and burn into a pit of depression and overwhelming grief. There is one day that is worse than any other, April 19th, literally the day before her angelversary is spent in an unbelievable amount of anxiety, sadness, self loathing, anger, you name it.. that day it happens. The next day the "Fuck You Day" happens, and it is never as bad as the anticipation day of the 19th but it is not something I would ever consider good. You can tell me to remember the good times, best memories, and so forth all you want, my brain is riddled with a bazillion questions, what is, you sucks, failures and no matter what I can not turn it off. The worst thing it is not even just things revolving around the loss of my girl, but every single craptastic thing that has happened starts on repeat. I don't sleep. I toss and turn and wonder how a human as disgustingly sick as myself is allowed to continue to live and my De's life was ripped from her like a forgotten page from a forgotten book.

I get it, I am not everyone's cup of tea. I know that some people think I whine. I know that some people think I betrayed them. I know that some people just don't like me. I know that some people love me but can't handle the sadness. I KNOW these things, what you don't know is that I personally beat the crap out of myself for each of these things. I lay awake at night wondering how my decision that I made to help myself, made me lose the friendship of someone who I loved. I wonder if I am a good employee or even work family member. I wonder if I am good enough daughter, sister, friend... I wonder about it all and I typically come to the conclusion that I just suck. Then now happens.

I have this window in time from April 21st until October that things level off and I see things clearer, they aren't as muted and fogged by sadness as the the season in hell of the last 7 months. Its that time that I can dig myself out and look at things in a truer light and realize that my heart doesn't suck at all, that I am truly a human who wants good things for all people and if a decision I made turned out badly or hurt someone it was never every my intention. I am a good bean, but for those 7 months, I don't believe it.  I don't believe in myself at all, and during those time I rely on those that love me to hold me up so that life doesn't just swallow me whole. God I am grateful for those that do this and continue to do so.

So what does this all mean? Simply that I have a window of 5 months to straighten my path, to fix some emotional and physical problems that the last 7 months have caused. It means that I need my tribe, my people, my support to help keep me on track because I can not waste one second of the next 150 days. Each milestone met is one thing that during Hell Season I won't be able to beat myself up over, it will be one step closer to maybe not falling to the bottom of the pit next year.

I won't make any insane promises of what the next few weeks will hold but I do promise to show up, to resurrect myself out of the darkness and enjoy the light for the time it lasts.

Peace and Love
Re
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

        Author

    De's Mommy
    Re
    Ann Marie
    Rhiannon Phoenix Mariah Dawn
    President of the Pro Bailers

    All of them are me!

    Blogs I Love!

    Life in Mathews
    Living in the Shadow
    Fosterhood in NYC
    Post Secret
    Hyperbole and a Half
    The Bloggess

    Archives

    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013

    Categories

    All
    #anger
    #bootcamp
    #deannahug
    #givelivehug
    #grief
    #looneytoons
    #onesaved
    #shame

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.