The image you see above is from the first half marathon that I ran... completely ran. It was hard, it was hard emotionally and physically. When I set out to do this run, my intention was to walk and run it. Matt Costa had other things in mind, he believed in me and knew I could and would run the entire way. I did. Even with a foot that was ... well disgusting. Sometimes I think he and Amanda were the only two people who believed in me and that I would finish and complete this race without walking a step. It holds very special meaning in my heart that they believed in me and I set out and accomplished what I started.
The following images are medals I am making... why because I completed these and I want something to see on my rack of race medals, there are many, most have no meaning other than I started and I finished, but there are three running/walking events in my life that are packed with so much meaning that I feel like all I am doing now is chasing a dragon.
In May of 2010 I belonged to a Relay for Life team with my mother and other family members, when you participate in those events someone from your team is to be on the track at all time... I started walking and didn't stop... I made it to 5 miles and felt fine... I will keep going.. 10 miles.. still fine... keep going... 20 miles.. getting a little tired but kept going... at mile 23 I was so tired my gait was way off and it caused blisters and muscle aches that I wasn't sure I would finish... I kept going. At mile 26.25 I stopped. The final lap was walked with my mother and many other friends and family. At the beginning of the event I had my mom write on my leg who I was walking for.. in honor and memory of. There is a sadness in me that some of those I had written in honor of are now memories, they did not survive the battle with cancer.
As made my way home that night, I obviously had to sit down, Deanna was with me but she did not have her permit at the time and could not drive me. As I pulled in the yard and parked, I could not move. My legs, my feet, the hair on my head was in pain. Deanna helped me, even at one point I felt like I needed to crawl. As I tried to take my shoes off to get in the shower as I was covered track dust, tears and a bit of blood, I realized my socks were pretty much stuck on my feet. As Deanna gently helped me take them off, I muttered. "Why did I do this to myself?" Deanna paused and looked at me and quietly said "Mommy, look at your leg, you did it for them... you did it for them."
The following images are medals I am making... why because I completed these and I want something to see on my rack of race medals, there are many, most have no meaning other than I started and I finished, but there are three running/walking events in my life that are packed with so much meaning that I feel like all I am doing now is chasing a dragon.
In May of 2010 I belonged to a Relay for Life team with my mother and other family members, when you participate in those events someone from your team is to be on the track at all time... I started walking and didn't stop... I made it to 5 miles and felt fine... I will keep going.. 10 miles.. still fine... keep going... 20 miles.. getting a little tired but kept going... at mile 23 I was so tired my gait was way off and it caused blisters and muscle aches that I wasn't sure I would finish... I kept going. At mile 26.25 I stopped. The final lap was walked with my mother and many other friends and family. At the beginning of the event I had my mom write on my leg who I was walking for.. in honor and memory of. There is a sadness in me that some of those I had written in honor of are now memories, they did not survive the battle with cancer.
As made my way home that night, I obviously had to sit down, Deanna was with me but she did not have her permit at the time and could not drive me. As I pulled in the yard and parked, I could not move. My legs, my feet, the hair on my head was in pain. Deanna helped me, even at one point I felt like I needed to crawl. As I tried to take my shoes off to get in the shower as I was covered track dust, tears and a bit of blood, I realized my socks were pretty much stuck on my feet. As Deanna gently helped me take them off, I muttered. "Why did I do this to myself?" Deanna paused and looked at me and quietly said "Mommy, look at your leg, you did it for them... you did it for them."
Front
Back
This was the first Relay event that Deanna participated in and saw how meaningful it was to myself, her family, Anita and Shanen.. and multitudes of others. She took that spark and carried on with it. She participated every year after. Donated her time and love to events to raise money, and was part of her own team in 2013. On April 20th she was on her way home from a relay event when her life was cut incredibly short. On June 8th, not even two months after the accident, would have been her Relay for Life event, she could not be there. We created posters with her photos, had her wreath, her running shoes, her Bootcamp bands.. everything there but her. So once again I started going... and I kept going.. until I reached 26.2 miles. I have designed another medal that I will create for this event as well.
I walked all night... some with friends.. some with family.. some alone.. some with my angel. When I got home that night I could walk out of the car, my socks were not stuck to my feet, although I had one pretty large blister that burst at about mile 20. No one had to help me to bed, or shower, or take my shoes off. I had no questions in my head as to why I would put myself through this... I did it for my baby.
I walked all night... some with friends.. some with family.. some alone.. some with my angel. When I got home that night I could walk out of the car, my socks were not stuck to my feet, although I had one pretty large blister that burst at about mile 20. No one had to help me to bed, or shower, or take my shoes off. I had no questions in my head as to why I would put myself through this... I did it for my baby.
Front
Back
Yesterday as I watched via Facebook photos the runners complete their half's and full marathons at the Shamrock, I felt proud of them and like a complete loser as I differed the race. I didn't even try. I signed up for this race on March 19th not knowing that in one short month my baby would be gone. In this past 11 months so many things have changed in my life. My passions, my drives, what makes me happy, friends, my faith..
As I sat and thought about the run yesterday I had the thought "those people used to be my friends". It took me a minute to realize that about a handful have stood beside me completely, making sure I am ok... making an effort to stay in contact, and that is ok. I understand I am not who I used to be and I have changed not you guys. While I want to be healthy I just have no drive to run. I have tried... I have run a couple of halves this year.. I have run a few 5k's .. but none of them feel right. There is no sense of accomplishment, there is no feeling of doing it for a cause. That's where chasing the dragon comes in.
I miss my Bootcamp Friends and I appreciate ever ounce of encouragement that you all gave me and I will never forget the belief in me that Matt, Christine, Todd, Jay and the other coaches had in me. This does not mean I won't be back... It just means I won't be right now. I have to follow the path that God has laid in front of me, and running isn't on the radar right now. I hope you all understand and do not feel less of me for making this decision.
I will still run for charities and events that are dear to me.. but anything over a 10k requires more effort emotionally and physically that I have to give. I had to be honest with myself about this and now I am being honest with you all.
I am proud of the work and training each of you put in and the accomplishments you made, I can only hope you felt the same pride in your hearts as the days I finished my 3 most important events.
May you all be blessed with the wind at your back and an angel on your shoulder guiding your way.
Much Love to you all.
De's Mommy
As I sat and thought about the run yesterday I had the thought "those people used to be my friends". It took me a minute to realize that about a handful have stood beside me completely, making sure I am ok... making an effort to stay in contact, and that is ok. I understand I am not who I used to be and I have changed not you guys. While I want to be healthy I just have no drive to run. I have tried... I have run a couple of halves this year.. I have run a few 5k's .. but none of them feel right. There is no sense of accomplishment, there is no feeling of doing it for a cause. That's where chasing the dragon comes in.
I miss my Bootcamp Friends and I appreciate ever ounce of encouragement that you all gave me and I will never forget the belief in me that Matt, Christine, Todd, Jay and the other coaches had in me. This does not mean I won't be back... It just means I won't be right now. I have to follow the path that God has laid in front of me, and running isn't on the radar right now. I hope you all understand and do not feel less of me for making this decision.
I will still run for charities and events that are dear to me.. but anything over a 10k requires more effort emotionally and physically that I have to give. I had to be honest with myself about this and now I am being honest with you all.
I am proud of the work and training each of you put in and the accomplishments you made, I can only hope you felt the same pride in your hearts as the days I finished my 3 most important events.
May you all be blessed with the wind at your back and an angel on your shoulder guiding your way.
Much Love to you all.
De's Mommy
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