Serenity

Quite a bit to unload this morning and here it is already almost 7:30. Why because I slept right through the alarm this morning! I am guessing I needed those few extra minutes because I did wake in the middle of the night and I was SORE but now I am feeling a ok.

As I went to bed last night, my mind, as it does every March 2nd, flutters to memories and thoughts of when the world was ok. Before there were tragedies and so much sadness. Back to a time when happiness was a camping trip or simply a trip to the playground. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could capture those moments and just press reset and go back? Even if it were for only a few minutes to hear the laughter.  Don't get me wrong life wasn't perfect by any shape but... it wasn't this either. Eleven years today our family was rocked by Little Dustin's journey, there was no time for goodbyes and I love you, just a deep sadness left in his place.  I am grateful and humbled today that I was part of his life.  That there are so many sweet memories, but I would trade them all to go back and make a different turn, if it meant the kids would still be here. I don't think anyone can fault me for those feelings.

My love as always flies to you on the wings of angels, hug your sister tight.. I love you

Why am I still here at 7:39 am. Because I promised myself an hour at least every morning. So I over slept, I am going to take the hour and then some. For a couple of reasons.

1. I have to stop breaking promises to myself! I do this alllll the time. I almost did it yesterday. Things backed up at work and I promised I would only work 8 hours. At 3:45 I went out for my walk and knew i had to return to work to finish up some of that deadline I was talking about. Turns out my co worker who I needed to finish this up knew his limit and said he just couldn't deal with it. He helped me keep my promise but there I was trying to break it all over the place.  So here I am. Doing this for me!

2. Because I need this. Remember I mentioned my anxiety yesterday? Well this is what my anxiety has done to me today. Please note that I realize completely and totally it was MY ANXIETY nothing that anyone else in the world did, all on me. It's ridiculous so please bear with me (or bare.. I never know which one it is but I don't think it is bare cause that is naked and no one wants me to be naked I promise).  First thing when I sat down this morning to write I went to grab one of those photos above, "Start by doing..." so I could use it on this post. My very sweet friend Elaine sent it to me yesterday and instantly I knew I had to write about it, more on that in a moment I promise. Anyhooooo as I am scrolling through messages I see the dreaded "Gray Face" not only do I see the face, it's someone I consider a life line. In sue full on panic, "Do I have her number? NO! OMG..  Is she on insta.. NO!!! OMG OMG ... Is she gray face on my old account? NO BECAUSE I DON'T SEE HER OMG OMG OMG!!! Reach out to another friend.. "Hey you see her?"... them.. "I did last night" (keep in mind other friend is not at all panicked) My response in my head "OMG OMG OMG OMG...What if I did something and I don't know it and I didn't mean to do it and they don't like me anymore..."   Sitting here knowing full well I have done absolutely nothing at all. I spoke with them yesterday and unless asking about cereal is offensive chances are there is nothing at all I have done and unless I called, texted or messaged in my sleep there is absolutely nothing that I said.   This is what my brain does to me and this right here.. MILD EXAMPLE!  Don't text me back.. you hate me. Don't like my post.. you think my writing is stupid.  Don't mention dinner was good or even ok.. you hated it.  The list goes on and on and on and on and on! AND IT IS STUPID! I know it is stupid.. you know it is stupid .. yet here we are. Another sweet friend posted the mental illness photo and it was so darn fitting for this post I am sharing that too! Because dammit I can't be the only one that does this.. Can I? If I am don't tell me, if not.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! Reach out.. we can unpack this together! Because the box needs to be emptied and thrown in the garbage. I am 49.. not 9 in the 4th grade! (funny how that worked out just right) so you see, here I am writing this and ask the words left my fingers so did the heart that was beating out my chest, so did the unrealistic fear... writing works for me.

Apparently this post is going to be what my mother referred to last week as an 8x8.. sorry...

As I mentioned above the Start by doing shot... it is perfect it is wonderful! It is exactly what needs to happen! It all needs to be one day at a time, one moment at a time, because when you try to look out over the big picture it is so overwhelming. I was talking to my sisper yesterday about some of her worries and concerns (she worries about me more than I worry about me especially when it comes to the running thing because I never do what I set out to do and I just end up hurting myself) She asked what running a half looked like to me to now, it took me a minute to answer but it had a one word answer... Redemption. I then went back and tried to see how I got from point A to point B the first time and you know what I found.. a LOT of hard work. In the gym, out of the gym, on the plate and lo and behold ON THE KEYBOARD! What did that journey start with?  One trip to the gym and a few weeks later one very cold March run ... and that had to turn into MONTHS of work to get from one point to the other. I wasn't just one sit it.. it was START with one sit it.. it wasn't just one day of eating right.. it was STARTED with one day of eating right. So here I am starting to string those starts together and making a promise to myself that this is the long haul, this is the beginning not the end, and redemption will in fact be mine.

I ran into the serenity prayer yesterday.. and some how all these years I missed there were more words to it. So today I will end with it as it just fits..

CLICK.. LINK.

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking this world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that all things will  be made right
If I surrender to;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy forever and ever in the next.

Peace Love and Light
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