Later in life if you told me to do something it was not going to happen. I just didn't do well with demands, and even if you asked did not guarantee it would get done, just that I might consider it a little more, if I found the task to be meaningless and dumb chances are it wouldn't get done. The bottom line here is I like to be in control and have a purpose and at the moment I feel very very out of control and very little purpose.
I find myself wishing for a simpler time, when the task at hand were handed out and were to be done regardless if we wanted to or not. There wasn't much acknowledgement or praise for getting through it but at least at the end you got to say.. "well that's done". Back to a time when my biggest concern was could I get away with only half cleaning my room because I found the whole thing meaningless. When I wondered if they would notice if I left half a load of laundry in the dryer instead of folding it.
The tasks laid before me now, living a life without my child, battling depression and anxiety, they are no easy feats. There are no instructions, there is no one around to tell you why, there just seems to be this silent shout from the world "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!" That isn't sitting well with me, I know there has to be a purpose, a reason, a meaning behind this pain. I find myself silently screaming "WHY???" at the universe so much.
I can remember before this, before the accident, something so small would happen, a flat tire, a broken glass, a lawn mower that would not start and literally saying out loud "Why me??" How incredibly trivial and stupid was that? And now I have this huge gigantic thing that was laid on my life and I have no idea why. I wish for those days of the flat tire being terrible.
I realize that each and every day I have to battle through it, and just make it to the other side, the problem is there is just not much purpose in that struggle to just do daily, it makes the entire fight seem meaningless and petty and that the only reason is because someone said I had to, even if that someone was me. So to you Universe who is responding to my multiple pleas of why with your big fat silent BECAUSE I SAID SO! That is a lot easier said that done!
Much love to you all,