I am not sure when it happened, but it seems it did. I sat there last night in a bit of a shock going on in my head while I went on discussing things and as I drove home, I thought to myself. "Wow I really meant that" I am not faking the funk right this minute, I really am carrying on. I do realize that I am completely and totally broken and that will never be fixed but I can live life broken. I have dreams, I don't mean little silly dreams like buying a jeep (yes that is a silly little dream) I mean life long dreams and plans for a future. For the first time in 4 years and 2 months ... I am planning a future!
The plans I have will take a lot of hard work, long hours, dedication, commitment, help from loved ones and friends, but I see this dream taking me to the end of my life, which I don't see as tomorrow anymore. Someone asked me one time, "Why don't you save any money?" My response to that was, "What for? I don't plan on being around long enough to spend saved money." I truly believed in my heart and soul that I was going to be swallowed by the universe, if that be by natural causes, an accident, my own hand.. I don't know but I did not feel like I was alive and I imagine some part of me was hoping to just physically be dead as well.
I am not in any way saying that things are perfect, I am not saying that the sadness is gone forever, or that I will never hit the low again. What I am saying is right this minute I have a dream and I feel alive!
I know there are a lot of contributing factors in all of this. A man who believes in me and cares enough not to give up. A trainer and a partner who are always a text a test and a kettlebell away, they are so much more to me than they understand. A bootcamp family that is always there to lift me up in times of sadness. A family who supports me no matter how many times I trip up and need some help standing. A best friend who shared her dream with me even when I forgot how alive it made me feel to be there and living it with her. Children who put up with all of the craziness and yet continue to love me. Parents, I am not sure what to say about my parents, I am sure that more than once in the last few years they wondered if they were going to lose their daughter too, yet they never shoved me away or tried to hold me too close, I guess I had parents who had faith I would see my way out of this. But the biggest contributing factor is myself, that regardless of how incredibly horrible things got I managed to keep on putting one foot in front of the other, refusing to give up, now allowing myself to quit. In all of this I have gained what I thought was the impossible because I have already gone through the unimaginable.
Here's to the rest of the impossible.
Love and Peace