I know that the reason for the season is Jesus, but that is not what I am talking about today. Today I am talking about THAT feeling. I think maybe as adults we lose a little bit of that feeling.. ok a LOT of that feeling due to the stresses of "I have to get so and so this.. and oh no my kid wants this toy and I can NOT find it! What do you mean I have to make something for ANOTHER Christmas party??" The joy and love is lost in material things. I am not telling you to not go out and buy gifts.. I am not trying to start a war here, but maybe don't stick so close to the list. I simply HATE that.. why is anyone going to ask me what I WANT for Christmas, then go buy it. If I want something I am completely capable of purchasing whatever thing it is myself. So all you have done is purchase something for me that I could have bought myself and it really has not much of a meaning to it. (side note unless it is a Pressure Cooker that I fell in love with and have been holding off purchasing for months now.. now that will mean something.. except I saw it and I know I am getting it.. because I made a joke about it being mine and they didn't know I was joking and kinda told me it was mine.. did you follow all of that?)
My Christmas Wish List.
I want my children back, I want Deanna and Little Dustin here.
I want my Charlie back.
I want my home back.
I want my sanity back.
I want to beat depression and anxiety for the last time.
I want to be at Peace.
I want the hurt in my heart to just ease off.
I want to feel the magic and joy of Christmas again.
I want someone to hug me and hug all the broken back together.
Those are the things on my list. None of these things can be purchased in some super store or found on Amazon, but those are the things that fill my list. I do understand that some of those things are not obtainable. That no matter how much I pray, wish or hope, Deanna and Charlie are not going to just bebop through the door and say Merry Christmas, but that does not stop the want. The other things on the list I also realize that no one else can get them for me, they have to come from me.
I have fought long and hard to beat the battles raging in side of me that you just can't see. I know that people say I am doing great, look at her she is doing ok! I wish for a few short minutes the invisible battles that we fight as humans would show themselves to those that think we are just ok. I think you would be shocked to find just how not ok I and so many others are.
I don't know how to feel the magic of Christmas again, to believe in something beautiful again, to believe in miracles and love again, but I am trying so hard to find it. I set up De's little tree this weekend, it is beautiful and sweet and her little lights are shining to heaven nightly. I have two little trees that shine sweetly in the evenings as a knit. I am pulling out all the stops to help make one little girls Christmas magical. Maybe in this... I will find the magic.
Wishing you all Christmas love and magic.