I was truly not sure this time if the pieces would ever come together as anything recognizable or just remain an ugly tangled jumble of broken fragments of a life that ended before my heart stopped beating, but some how, some way, I am starting to see the beauty of it all falling together.
I don't think my puzzle will ever fall into a glorious image, and I won't allude myself to even think it is possible, because there are pieces that will forever be a source of sadness and pain, however, those pieces when paired with all of the others make the wonderful pieces shine so much clearer, because they are a gift. It is December 2nd, just making it to this date and still being able to see the beauty in the world is amazing enough in it self, but looking forward to more happiness this month is extra special. I am still holding on with all my might, there are bad days, not weeks or months, just days and they are quickly put to rest by having a clear plan. I never miss a work out, that is my plan, it sounds absolutely silly but there is only one day a week that I don't have a planned work out and that is the coveted rest day and generally involves a lot of goodness or just healthy nothingness, so if a bad day falls there I allow it. Now back to the plan, so let's say it is Monday and I wake up and my heart is hurting, I know that come noon I will be in the gym, regardless of heart hurts or tears, I will be in the gym and an hour later I will emerge completely soaked in sweat and feeling accomplished. It is very hard to allow sadness into your mind when you are struggling to ensure that a bar bell doesn't crush you. For a solid hour I literally have to put everything I have in me on the work out. There is no time to stay lost in memories, and when it is all over somewhere in my heart I always hear "You did it Mom".
While so many people have personally congratulated me on how far I have come with my work outs in just 3 months. (we aren't talking about that stupid scale.. it isn't my friend) The strides I have made in my health and my strength have been quite amazing I will say that myself, but what they don't see is that all of this work is the glue that is holding me together and putting the puzzle back together in an image of beauty not a darkened sadness of a life lost.
I don't know where this road is leading me, I have goals, I have dreams and I know that I want to help people who feel helpless, I know that the puzzle will fall together in good time for that, but for right now I am going to spend each and every day battling for an image of beauty, because before the darkness comes I am going to fill my world with so much light that it will only seem to be a tiny speck of dust.
Much love and peace.
Re
I don't think my puzzle will ever fall into a glorious image, and I won't allude myself to even think it is possible, because there are pieces that will forever be a source of sadness and pain, however, those pieces when paired with all of the others make the wonderful pieces shine so much clearer, because they are a gift. It is December 2nd, just making it to this date and still being able to see the beauty in the world is amazing enough in it self, but looking forward to more happiness this month is extra special. I am still holding on with all my might, there are bad days, not weeks or months, just days and they are quickly put to rest by having a clear plan. I never miss a work out, that is my plan, it sounds absolutely silly but there is only one day a week that I don't have a planned work out and that is the coveted rest day and generally involves a lot of goodness or just healthy nothingness, so if a bad day falls there I allow it. Now back to the plan, so let's say it is Monday and I wake up and my heart is hurting, I know that come noon I will be in the gym, regardless of heart hurts or tears, I will be in the gym and an hour later I will emerge completely soaked in sweat and feeling accomplished. It is very hard to allow sadness into your mind when you are struggling to ensure that a bar bell doesn't crush you. For a solid hour I literally have to put everything I have in me on the work out. There is no time to stay lost in memories, and when it is all over somewhere in my heart I always hear "You did it Mom".
While so many people have personally congratulated me on how far I have come with my work outs in just 3 months. (we aren't talking about that stupid scale.. it isn't my friend) The strides I have made in my health and my strength have been quite amazing I will say that myself, but what they don't see is that all of this work is the glue that is holding me together and putting the puzzle back together in an image of beauty not a darkened sadness of a life lost.
I don't know where this road is leading me, I have goals, I have dreams and I know that I want to help people who feel helpless, I know that the puzzle will fall together in good time for that, but for right now I am going to spend each and every day battling for an image of beauty, because before the darkness comes I am going to fill my world with so much light that it will only seem to be a tiny speck of dust.
Much love and peace.
Re
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