I read an interesting article this morning. I am posting it here for you to take a look at. It is worth the 2 minute read. Long Term Coping . I am stuck in this right now. I have a list so overwhelmingly long of things that must be done but I end up exhausted trying to figure out what needs to be done when. The struggle of the juggle is so very real! I am learning that I take on too much, I say yes when I should be saying.. no. I should be saying, "I really want to help you, but I already have a plate full right now" and by plate full I mean the laundry list of items (it ironically has laundry on the list, some of which is not even mine!) that have backed up because while trying to pretend I was holding it all together it was seriously just all falling apart. Throw on a dash of OCD, (believe me my house like this is KILLING ME.. just ask Kris she will explain) a sprinkling of anxiety, top with a whip of grief and you have the recipe for a full fledged break down.
A break down that I think I am only seconds away from.
I have a vacation planned in exactly 9 days. Right this minute, I don't want to go. It is one more thing that is causing me anxiety. I didn't lose the weight I needed to so the clothes I wanted to wear don't fit. Forget a bathing suit. I have not had my hair done in a year, I don't want to spend the money or time to do it. My toes still have Christmas polish. I have the skin tone of Casper's sister.. yes Casper the ghost. Leaving Banx and KD.. no more words needed. My house is not sitter or visitor ready, she comes tomorrow for a visit.. TOMORROW. I have to schedule a visit for a puppy I am sitting for on my return. Have to clean the house before then. If I don't clean the jeep, we will arrive in Florida having left a trail of puppy hair to follow on our return trip. The fish need clean tanks.. the lizard needs to be let go, queue another emotion filled issue.. what if it is too soon, what if he is used to having crickets handed to him, what if he dies... I have a list of 15 high level things that have to get done before I can even think of leaving. I just want to cancel it.
Yesterday I was supposed to do yard work all day. With in an hour of starting I realized I had no idea what I was doing, ended up melting down and making the house even worse in the process. I accomplished next to nothing. Thank you dead leaves for providing the added dialogue of "You are so useless you can't even get the dead leaves up!" to my "You're useless because..." List.
Today I was supposed to get on the scale and see a 5 lbs loss. It was POINT 2. not even a quarter of a pound. No added dialogue needed there. I thought I ate better last week. Apparently I did not.
Part of my family is being attacked, causing more emotion filled stress as I can't help fix it. Literally watching them hurt and not being able to do the first damn thing to help is torture. It was all so unavoidable, but here we are due to ugliness of another.
I read another post "Some people don't want to be fixed because it gets them attention" I wonder .. do people see me like that? Do they understand that I share where I am so that maybe someone else won't feel so alone, even though I am not alone. I would gladly fix me, I would turn in this broken me in exchange for never writing an emotionally filled post, for never crying another shame filled tear, for never screaming another silent scream on the inside only to break down on the other side of a keyboard. Please... fix me you can have all of the attention. Do people just thinking I am screaming for attention or do they realize it is my outlet? Do they get that I hope to help others understand how this feels so they are kinder and gentler to someone who needs them? Why do I even care what they think?
I have this awesome network of people who would be willing to help me do anything if I just asked, but I can't. The horror of saying, "I need help with this stupid list of every day normal things because everything is crashing down on me and I just want to hide" is just more than I can handle. The unbelievable shame of not being able to deal with every day life ... I just need to pull up my boot straps and do it. Let the anger, the hurt, and ever other emotion fuel me into just doing it.
Bottom line, about the only thing I am doing right this minute is coping and hanging on by a tattered string, that sometimes I wish would just break so my heart wouldn't hurt anymore.