First off I am going to stop saying first off because quite frankly by the end of the post I am like on thirty third off... Anyhow. 46 days ago today I restarted the journey of putting Re back together. I think it is quite obvious to everyone that the last week of that I have ripped out a few pieces stomped them all to hell and now trying to put those back together too, I am starting to think they just don't belong in the new picture, that happens from time to time. I am over here fighting my ass off to become better and doing all the right things physically to be that better person but the mental aspect of it all, not so great. You see those first weeks, I was putting those wobbly rocks of mine down, and I was just too busy with those to really notice a few things. Mainly there there were a some things standing around the hole kicking in sand, they were not doing it for a helpful foundation either, it was more of the let me bury her alive kind of thing.
Doesn't that always seem to happen though? I can hear the old folk in my head saying "The devil is after ya" but in all seriousness why does it seem that when we try to better ourselves, become healthier something inevitably comes along to kick sand in our eyes? Trying to be a better runner? Let me help you out with a pulled hammie. Trying to lose weight? Let me pop 3 pounds up on the scale just for the fun of it (yes that happened... damn it) Trying to have peace in your heart? Let me send as many unpeaceful stressful things at you all at once. Trying to get out of debt? Let me send you that bill you totally didn't see coming. Isn't it always something?
The hard part about this is navigating it. Some people are "It is what it is" people, here is your warning, be very frightened of those people. They have reached a point in their life that the rest of us can only long for, peace in all things, which means they could either hug you or cut you... either way they good. I try to fake that every now and again, I usually fail but I try. It is obvious I am no where near that right now, in fact I cared just a wee bit too much and ended up in a very unhealthy situation, but something different happened. I looked around and saw things for what they were. I didn't know what to do about them but I saw it. I saw "the devil after me" and for once I was absolutely determined that this was not going to bury me, or knock me off my game. It may slow me down for a day or two as I recoup and regroup, but stop me it will not.
So side note.. I just called a few places.. and seriously.. no one can see me? That's fun. Just another one of those things.. decide you want help, some validation and someone to talk to.. yea we can see you in 2 months. Okie dokie.. I should have planned my break down better.
Here I am, exhausted, hurting, and just over all not well, but I still got up this morning and did something to better myself, something that would make me feel better about myself, my life, and my over all health in the long run. I plan on doing the same later today, but for now.. right now.. I am going to sleep. I know I said I was going to read and read and read some more on how to help myself but frankly I am just too tired to absorb the words.
Here's to using the sand to shore up those wobbly rocks.
Peace Love and Light