This week has been ... AWFUL! My eyes literally hurt this morning, from crying. My life has been such shit this week that even when I went to google things to do in Williamsburg today the ads were.. and no I am NOT EVEN JOKING A LITTLE BIT... "Doctor's Bathroom habit can help you stay effortlessly thin and pretty, no extra diet!" Which also feature 5 very large logs of poop on a tray and then as I thought well that is disgusting, the next add on the next feature attraction of Williamsburg was "Healthiest way to wipe your butt" I know I can make a story exciting with a few added words.. but even I can't make this stuff up. Having said that I will not be going to Williamsburg today, I don't know where I am going but that seems to be an omen that it will either be a shitty trip or I may get the shits and not wipe properly. Isn't this lovely coffee conversation??? Maybe the pain in my eyes is directly related to what I am seeing in my ads! Yuck.
So here I am going merrily along and things started going awry on Monday at work, I was like.. hmmm... this is not fun and unexpected because we were already in stress time of a release, but this was MORE.. and the week continued to build and build and build more and more pressure and stress, then some very unsavory emails to me about how basically I suck, you know I suck at something I have been doing for 20 years... if that isn't a blow. And then it was Wednesday and my skin started to spark. What does that mean you wonder? It means my anxiety was so off the charts that I felt it on my skin like electricity, because of everything going on and work and .. April.. then before I could blink it WAS April and my skin wasn't just sparking it was full on short circuiting, along with my brain, my heart, my everything. It was built on a combination of things
- Feeling unappreciated in my personal and professional life
- Trying to hold everything together, work, working out, cooking, cleaning (that one has fallen by the way side. please don't surprise visit me.. it makes things that much worse!)
- Having given up my vices, I was talking to my mom yesterday about everything that was going on and work and explaining how dreadful it has been and when I was finished I sat there for a second and then exclaimed "AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK!!"
- The need and desire to be left alone by everyone and everything for just a bit, but feeling so incredibly lonely, so I don't do it, then I still feel lonely around people.
- Grief (more on that in a minute)
But why? Why does the reaction have to be that way? Because for as long as I can remember, I have not been able to communicate how I feel with out being invalidated. Either by telling me it is because I have a bad attitude, or no one wants to be around you because you are sad all the time, or you have done nothing but frustrate everyone who works with you... so the words "I am fine" fly and if you don't head my warning that I don't want to share with you what I feel like and you keep pushing me.. I promise you I will hurt your feelings. Hurt people.. hurt people. I am hurt people.
I know I have been doing better the last few weeks, I have felt better, I have done better, and heaven knows I have been learning so much about myself and my goal is for that to continue, but a tidal wave of grief came on this week. That is the thing about grief, it never really stops, it is always there lurking in the corner just waiting for that little crack, that night of sadness and boom it will crash over you like a wave you have never seen. You are all of a sudden being tossed around in the sand and gravel and you don't remember which way is up, you are getting beaten and you are tired, and some part of you just wants to let it take you, just so it won't hurt you again. 8 years in 17 more days I have walked on this earth with only part of my heart. I won't even try to say I lived that time, because I didn't. Yes the world moved right along, time ticked by, people came and went, and I have been stagnant in the same place I was (ok maybe worse off) that day, that horrible horrible day, when my entire world stopped and you all kept moving on all around me. See now why I don't try to explain what it feels like.. do you see now why "I am fine" is the generalized answer? Its been 8 years. I should have learned to live by now, I know that is what you are thinking. I know this because some of you have actually told me, that I shouldn't be so sad, it makes people uncomfortable. Yea.. fuck off. If you want to see what grief takes from you, if you don't understand, it can rip away your soul. Want a visual of that, check out the pics above and I have dozens more just like them, only one of those photos of me reveals a truthful image of happiness, my smile is no longer real, it reaches no farther than muscles used to turn my mouth upward, there is no spark in those eyes.
People don't understand my blunt and honest way of speaking or being, because it gives them no clues into my head or heart. They see me as this cold hard being that they can't crack. (yea I was told that yesterday at work) I have a wall.. a fortress even.. yes I open that gate and I let it all flow out in these words on a page.. but the wall is there all the same, because I know there is so much of what I feel that no one will understand so I keep that locked away behind "I am fine", but if you want a glimpse.. just a small little taste of what causes all of those short circuits I am going to share just a small little part..
- A little girl who never felt good enough
- A young mother who was constantly told how bad she was
- Regret and guilt over the two above
- Being told things are fine how they are repeatedly
- Being asked what I did wrong in a situation but the other party is never asked why they treat me that way
- Guilt over not being good enough for my boys
- Hatred of my own self because I have chased and chased someone to love me to want me as their family for as long as I can remember, most times landing me in really bad places, with people who don't even have a clue how to love someone else
- Feeling so utterly alone, all of the damn time.
- Never having anyone stand up for me, I get it.. I am almost 50 I really shouldn't need people to fight for me.. but .. I never have. It's always been my fault, my stupidity, my attitude, my poor choices. Not once that I can recall has anyone ever, ever, stopped and said.. "Do you see what you are doing to her?" As you can see that has spilled right on over to my professional life.
When you are reading these, if at anytime your thought is, that isn't right, that isn't true, she shouldn't feel that way, you have done the very thing that caused the "bad attitude" to start with, flat out invalidated my feelings. So would it be ok, please, if I say I am fine, that you take it at that and leave it alone, because as you just saw.. you won't understand, and it will simply make it worse, a little worse for me, but much worse for you when I shut down and shut you out completely.
Signing off today with this, why is it so acceptable to invalidate people? Why are we a culture of talking people down from their feelings instead of asking, what makes you feel that way?
Peace, Love and Light