----You were not going to amount to anything if you don't do "XYZ". Sit down, be quiet, stop getting dirty, don't say that, keep your feelings to yourself, don't eat that, don't drive those, leave your hair long, don't color it, don't mark your body, no one is going to want you, lose weight.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Why can't you just!!!----
One of the very hard things we are working through in therapy is for me to let my walls down. You heard it.. walls. I know you are likely thinking "What walls?? She let's us all in every day!" but do I? I let you see the journey, I let you see pieces and parts, I let you see the mental health issues, my physical being, but those deepest parts, those places that are so utterly shattered, they have walls up so thick and high that it is difficult for even myself to try to work through to heal. In an exercise last week, yes last week, it has taken me this long to even begin to process what happened, we were trying to work through some areas of my life and immediately and I do mean IMMEDIATELY there was a physical resistance. It is hard for me to put into words what exactly it felt like, but if you can imagine a strong flashing blinding light that is doing everything to keep you out.. that is it. I was immediately overcome with sadness, because I wanted and want so badly to be better, and here I am fighting my own self.
I get it, the wall is completely built up of fear and protection, it has a job and it does it so very well. One person can only be hurt so much before they just don't allow anything in or close. We didn't get very far that day, we had to work so hard to control the wall to even remotely think of touching anything on the other side that there just was no time, but one huge thing surfaced.. at the end.. and it was so profound that it caused us to go over a bit. We were wrapping up and this statement was made "we are making really good progress at getting to the real you the one that has been hiding all this time" without missing a beat I said "Well I hope she is a good person" Have you ever seen a therapist literally stop in their tracks? She then asks me to explain that. So I went on to say what if the me that is behind there is bad, what if I am so different that I am a bad person. She sat there a moment and says, "Why would you think that? Who told you that you are bad?" My response... everyone.
Isn't that crazy? That here almost 50 years later, I still can't just effortlessly be me because I don't fit in that mold? That still I question all I do because of this. That I am never going to amount to anything because I don't.. or because I do.. or because I didn't. That none of what I have worked so hard for in my life is even real or mine that it is all fake, because I don't deserve it.. because I'm bad, because I am me, because me doesn't fit the standards of a friend, a sister, a daughter, a spouse, and especially a mother.
So here I am today, letting you see the road isn't just all roses, some of this so hard. While you may be sitting there trying to figure out who this everyone is that would say such a thing, don't waste your time.. I am not sure who the everyone is either, I don't even know that the everyone even exists anymore except in my mind. What I am trying to say .. what I need to say.. is this wall is coming down, and it is frightening, but even I deserve to be free, and I hope you like whoever it is behind there.
Signing off today with this.. anyone have a tissue?? I can't stop crying this morning.
Peace Love and Light