Yesterday was frightening, enlightening, sad, happy, exhausting, energizing, questioning and validating... it was everything so jumbled up that I am not 100% sure I will be able to capture it all.
The day actually started in the wee hours of the morning picking up Drake from the airport and by wee I mean 12 am, when I got home it was 2 am and the alarm was going off after 2 hours of sleep.. you know what normal people call a nap. Off to OBXFit I went, to be with my friends, my family, my people for the first time in a very long time, to say I was both excited to be with them and terrified is an understatement. I was so scared I wouldn't keep up, I was even more afraid I would not fit in, I was so utterly terrified that the new people would see the inside and how jumbled and messed up it was, I was afraid the old people (giggle) would no longer tolerate what I had now become. That is what depression does to you, it truly robs you of yourself and the ability to emotionally navigate through situations that most people would consider fairly easy.
It is also the behavior of a severely depressed, over thinking, empath who has shut herself away from people for quite awhile now. Let's talk about that for a few shall we because I think it helps explain so much, and it also sheds some light on a few things that people have brought up lately..
10 traits of an empath ~ Judith Orloff MD.
1. Empaths are highly sensitive
Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually open, and good listeners.
2. Empaths absorb other people’s emotions
Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. If they are around peace and love, their bodies take these on and flourish.
3. Many empaths are introverted
Empaths become overwhelmed in crowds, which can amplify their empathy.
4. Empaths are highly intuitive
Empaths experience the world through their intuition.
5. Empaths need alone time
As super-responders, being around people can drain an empath so they periodically need alone time to recharge their batteries. Even a brief escape prevents emotionally overload.
6. Empaths can become overwhelmed in intimate relationships
Too much togetherness can be difficult for an empath so they may avoid intimate relationships.
7. Empaths are targets for energy vampires
An empath’s sensitivity makes them particularly easy marks for energy vampires, whose fear or rage can sap their energy and peace of mind.
8. Empaths become replenished in nature
The busyness of ever day life can be too much for an empath. The natural world nourishes and restores them. It helps them to release their burdens and they take refuge in the presence of green wild things, the ocean or other bodies of water. Can I say that louder for those in the back?
9. Empaths have highly tuned senses
An empath’s nerves can get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talking. If you don't believe this is true.. just ask Ed..
10. Empaths have huge hearts but sometimes give too much
Empaths are big-hearted people and try to relieve the pain of others.
10 Traits of an Over Thinker ~ the interwebs
1. They think everything is their fault
2. Need constant reassurance
3. Make up scenarios in their head
4. Are sensitive and emotional
5. Assume people are mad at them, sometimes for no reason
6. Needs someone to listen to them
7. They care a lot for others instead of themselves
8. They read between the lines of text
9. They can't let things go
10. They over love
Now that you have the sweet little lists.. I feel like I should have named it.. the things that make up Re.
Since I started really looking for ways to help and cope with what is happening with me, more than one person has asked me about finding a group that I can attend that may lead to some insight and understanding, and for one unlucky soul the response they got wasn't that great, it was me just full on sobbing saying "I can't because I leave feeling worse because I feel all of that hurt!" I fully realize that to someone who doesn't understand how that works how nuts it sounds, but believe me it happens. Re? Are you spinning this some where or are we just .. what are we doing here... Yes we are, going somewhere give me a minute will ya..
We all know where I have been for a year and what I have been doing right? Ok good. We also know that due to Covid there has been so little interaction with people that it limited who I was around to a very few select people, and basically work. Work... incredibly stressful... and I take on more and more and more because I want to help people, I don't want them to feel the way do they so I take it.. and take it.. and take it... Home, Dad and I most of the time, who was so incredibly sick for so long, so there was pain, fear, disappointment.. Friends going through trials and tribulations.. I got you boo.. give it all to me.. My mom grieving, searching for ways to help. (Please do not read into this.. it isn't all bad.. there are some incredibly beautiful moments and memories!!!) The issue with all of this, is what I took on was never level set. I never took the time for myself to release all of what I took on, and I didn't have the group of my people to recharge me with love and peace.
So here I am yesterday morning over thinking the hell out of going, and even more terrified of having coffee after, you know where you have to actually be with the people and you can't just stare blankly ahead doing kettle bell swings, but I went and some damn amazing things happened. I was not ever left behind nor could I not keep up, i never felt rushed to perform the exercise in front of me and took the time to ensure my form was correct as I was doing them. We ran, we walked, we encouraged each other, and even as I was swinging that 18lbs around I could feel the weight lifting off of me. The feeling of determination surrounded me, it was coming from me and the others around me and by the time we were done, I was smiling and ready for coffee! Those minutes there surrounded by my friends who were starting their days with smiles and happiness and their genuine happiness to see Banx and I, it set about recharging me for the day. A long driveway chat with a dear friend allowed release and just a soft spot to land with my feelings.
When I got home I sat over my coffee and thought, I need help. Like from people. No self help book is going to help me right now, I need a bridge to get over this river of lava. I made a couple of calls, but found that it was near impossible to find an appointment with a therapist, which I desperately need, yes I just said that. In the mean time I called my primary doctor and set up and appointment in hopes that he could get me in with someone who can figure out what to do next. I reached out to another close friend just randomly about some pictures and we set up a lunch date, to say that lunch date was everything I needed is an understatement. She talked, I talked, we talked and another friend joined in and talked and what I walked away with was knowledge and even more strength. It validated that yes I do in fact need to seek a new therapist, one that helps me work through where I am, and not just listen to whatever random crap is in my head at the moment, I need the help to process myself through the big stuff. The ending of my lunch date I must say was the best. My friend, this incredibly beautiful soul who has been through so much herself, was excited.. she was excited for me. She was excited to see what happened next, because she believed, like I, that this time.. it was different.
Banx and I spent about an hour on the beach just taking in the ocean and the sun, attempting to nap.. that didn't work out so well .. and when the lady up wind from me started chain smoking I knew it was time to go, I took it as my sign that I was being smoked out.
And then I did the hardest thing I have done for myself in a long long time. I kept that appointment. I walked in and I told the nurse and my doctor exactly where I was, what I was experiencing, what I had done and where I wanted to go and that I thought I needed help.
They both agreed.
The good news is they also agreed that I am doing things exactly as I should. That taking care of myself physically, through exercise and eating in a healthy manner is a very good thing. My doctor also did what I was most fearful of, prescribed me a new medication. We all know how I feel about those.. if I am zombie next month will someone please tell me?? That is a pretty big deal for me, but I know in my heart that I have to do something. There was so much validation in that little room yesterday. My doctor doesn't know I write so he would have had no way of knowing what I felt about where I was but he piped right up and said, for years you have been grieving but never allowed yourself to work through it, and until you work through it you are continuously going to circle back around to this. He also said that he can only imagine how exhausted I am and that I am doing the right thing in trying to recharge myself and reaching out for help getting through this and not just covering it up again. He also said that in no way did he feel like I was an alcoholic at all, so if I chose to not drink or drink that should just be a choice of my own accord, which I thought was funny. For now, I am not.
The biggest thing he said to me yesterday, and I call it big because it was huge in my mind.. .like mic drop huge, and I don't think I have ever heard it put this way before, if I have it was lost in the fog..
"You face your grief because your goals demand it"
I stopped right in my track and said.. "what??" He repeated it, allowed me to process it and hugged me.
This morning I googled the quote because I needed to see where that came from and I found this.
“It’s about being a warrior. It doesn’t matter about the cause, necessarily. This is your path and you will pursue it with excellence. You face your fear, because your goal demands it. That is the goddamn warrior spirit.” ~ Alex Honnold
So he modified a tiny bit, but he caught my attention, and he was so spot on. It is time to face this, all of it, my grief is my fear, my fear is my grief. Some part of me is afraid of facing it, because it feels like letting go of the sadness is letting go over her, but another part believes that in my sadness I have kept her trapped here with me and it is time for me to let her go with peace and love...
Signing off today with this.. I know it was long, go rest your brain, it was a lot to take in.
Peace Love and Light