If this post comes out mangled and just backwards please hang with me (see how I didn't use bare or bear.. I just give up with that one) I am 3 doses of Benadryl in and my mind is slightly intoxicated, and sleep was.. what is a word beyond terrible?
So here I am yesterday yacking on and on and on about Stay the Course, Trust the Process when Life goes.. "BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA watch this! I will make her eat those words!" I told you guys a last week that we were playing with my meds a bit and trying to find the right thing to keep me from becoming a pendulum between my emotions. Well we found another WRONG one. I noticed by Friday I had a dull headache but I banged my head Saturday so I ended up having to write that off as non proven theory and had read that the headache could subside and I figured that as long as it was not debilitating I could deal with it. Nothing else major to report about the medication .. until 1030 am yesterday. I had taken my meds an hour before and I noticed that I kept touching my face, my hair, my face, my arms, oh my ankle, oh MY FACE, MY NOSE!!!! OH MY GAWD MY NOSE!!! Within 15 minutes I realized something was very wrong. I called the Dr but I didn't hear back, I may should have more urgently called, or tried another assistant but I figured there were more important things than an itchy patient. I popped some Benadryl and short of being in a fog for a few hours the itching subsided... until it was back! Right around 7 pm Dad witnessed it, it started with an elbow itch, then my fingers, oh my my face again.. not my face! I do have to say the worst itchy spot (short of what we are not going to mention here) was my feet.. HOW DO YOU SCRATCH YOUR FEET! So more Benadryl it was.
I thought ok, that is cool.. I will take the Benadryl it was subside and I will go to bed and sleep through this mess.. BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAH right. I laid down and I couldn't keep my legs still because they were crawling.. my feet ended up cramping up.. I was still itchy.. then the next thing you know I am burning up (I noticed that yesterday morning that in the itchiest part of the day I was HOT) Then the dogs saw ME itching so they felt it was time for them to itch and lick and we were just a complete shit show! On a normal morning when I wake up my blankets are usually in somewhat of a normal state, you know easy to make up, I mean there is not much room to mess up a bed with two puppies holding you down, well let me tell you.. this morning it looks like 3 Rottweilers, a Dalmatian, and 6 chihuahuas were chasing 4 rabid squirrels in there .. (can squirrels get rabies.. I don't think I have ever seen that) It was a LONG HOT ITCHY ROUGH NIGHT!!!
Fun fact number one as I am typing this I am already itching my face.. Mentally you are going DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.. DON'T SCRATCH.. and physically you can not stop! Like if you try to force yourself it .. I don't know how to describe it but it is NOT POSSIBLE. Fun fact number two it can take up to 5 days for this to subside! I am so hopeful that it will be sooner, I was dumbfounded when I read that, apparently it takes longer to LEAVE your system than to build up in it. Fun fact number three today was the day I was supposed to double the dose for the first time so THANK GOD FOR YESTERDAY! Can you even IMAGINE???
So why am I even going on and on about my itchiness? Because the Irony of it all is just too much to pass over. I want to point out that in some cases it IS OK TO ABORT MISSION! I think we all need to back up and punt every now and again. Let's say we make a hasty decision and realize in our haste we made a wrong choice, you don't have to stand there and hold your ground, IT IS OK ABSOLUTELY OK to state this choice does not serve me, this is not a good fit, this is definitely not going as planned and I see that now. It is OK to be wrong, it is not ok to be wrong and refuse to budge out of stubbornness, in the end you are likely only hurting yourself and those you love.
For eight years I have been in an unbelievably dark place. Sure there was some light don't get me wrong, but deep down it was so dark. For so long I felt that I had to hold onto that darkness because relaxing that hold would mean forgetting the kids. I thought my memories and love were tied to that darkness, that grief, that if I let one go surely the other would follow. They would be forgotten and that love would be gone. I was wrong and it is ok to abort that mission. That darkness no longer serves me, it is toxic, it is absolutely OK to Abort the Mission even after standing so strong in it for so long, it is OK!
So how do you figure out if you should hold the course or abort mission? I am not 100% on this but I think it has to do with Fear. If you are staying a course out of fear.. it may be time to evaluate exactly what you are afraid of and if that course truly serves you and your life. If you are aborting mission out of fear, you may want to rethink, and check your course and your plan, are you leaving because the course is wrong, or you are just scared that you may succeed?
Signing off with this.. 100% if you find yourself itchy and on fire.. ABORT MISSION!!!
I hope you all have a nonitchy Tuesday. I hope to be back to my regularly scheduled madness in a few days, I am a bit worried to work out and sweat.. if that makes the itchy worse I will likely DIE!
Peace Love and Light