Who am I?

I wish I could be that person that believed with every fiber that it was going to be ok, that everything would be alright. The death of my step son and daughter ultimately decided that nothing would ever be alright again and the sadness, grief, pain, disbelief has forced its way into ever aspect of my life. Each day is filled with a new set of tears and set backs that make it easy to question ones own existence. Like my life is an experiment of lets see how much more hurt it takes before she breaks and it is over.

They say heaven is beautiful and full of peace and love and and understanding like we have never known. Why would anyone chose to stay in this living hell? I have no idea how to even be me anymore, or even who I am.