I have fought so hard for the last decade to do the exact opposite of what is needed for me to be whole and happy. Re you may need medication to get you through where you are. Me: Nope I hate feeling like a zombie. (currently it is just making my insides shaky) Re you may need to eat right so you won't continue to gain weight. Me: Nope I like food too much. Re you may need to cut out some of that drinking you do on a daily. Me: Nope I got this, it is just taking the edge off. Re you may need to talk to someone about what you are feeling. Me: Nope, what is the point I write so much better so I am getting it all out anyway. Re you really should focus on some exercise it makes you feel so much better. Me: Nope, I am just too tired from all the other stuff I am doing. Re I think you need to taker more than a week off of work. Me: Have you lost your mind?? Re I think you need some help. Me: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! (I am sure Amanda laughed at that..)
There is good news in this, the truth is I don't know me. While I am strong as hell, I am also stubborn and bull headed, so instead of doing any of the things that my friends and family have been begging me to do for years I stood right in the middle of the storm that is my head, my grief, and my pain and let it just eat away at me. If I stood there and held my ground, I wouldn't let her go, I couldn't let her go.. frankly .. I can't let her go. There is so much left to say.. and just no way to say it. I know I know.. whisper it on the wind she will hear. I have, and yet I don't feel like she knows. It is like I am standing neither in the before or the after, but squarely on the spot where she left. Yes of course I realize that there has been time after, but like I said before it is like everyone else's worlds moved on and the time just ticked by and I watched it all happen. I am literally scared to death to move from that spot. I don't know who I am without her. This is so hard.
All of those things up above, I have a check mark beside all of those them now with the exception of talking to someone, that box will be checked tomorrow at 2. I did it, I made calls around and talked to some very good friends I found someone who had an opening and who I trust because my friend trusts her. I am very anxious about it, so many what ifs are going through my mind, but I imagine if I was not anxious and scared about it I wouldn't need the appointment to begin with. I am so hopeful that with time, patience, and strength that I will be able to move on from this spot, I don't think standing here any longer serves a purpose, not for me and certainly not anyone else, and holding her here in my guilt and regret is not allowing her to shine in love, it is shadowing all of the sweet memories I should be cherishing.
What is it they say... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Well how about seeing exactly what is that is happening to you and what is wrong and not being able to stop it, control it, or fix it in anyway.. I think that is the definition of bat shit crazy. (PS this is not a medical diagnosis and I happen to love bats so the definition may not work for you and that is ok!)
I did get up this morning and worked out with my friends. I felt very sluggy and just like I had legs of lead, but I kept going around and around and around that big ass circle (it probably wasn't a quarter of a mile but it felt like 3 miles) and in the end I felt better, my spirits were lifted. I enjoyed time with friends over coffee and a few quiet minutes with Banx just watching the waves roll in. I would give just about anything if that could just be life for awhile, working on myself and letting the universe just heal me. I didn't have a good plan, but do we ever? There just isn't way I see to achieve that currently so I will continue to fight through until it can happen.
In the mean time I am going to clean out my office, because I need a space for work that is not also the safety of my home, not sure how that is going to work in Mathews but I guess something will come to me.
Signing off today with this.. do you know someone who is struggling a bit today? Reach out.. just say hi. Those reach outs over the last week have meant so much to me.
Peace, Love and Light