Now I have done yoga before, Deanna and I did it together in Mathews and we had a grand time. There was stretching.. and laughing... (inappropriate laughing but still laughing) but I did remember that savasana ROCKED and I thought maybe if I went to the newly started classes at THE GYM. (say that like we said Da Bears in the late 80's .. that's how it sounds in my head) I could get that feeling of okness with the world back. After one class I can see that this is going to take some time.
Let's start from the beginning shall we? I forgot kinda what one should wear to Yoga so I threw on comfy pants and a t shirt. Seemed logical because we would be doing stretching and what not. It worked out kinda well.. except for every time we had to do some crazy leg stretching I ended up with a wedgie. That wasn't that fun. The t shirt was ok.. it seemed to stay in place pretty well.. my boobs on the other hand are a different story. They aren't even that big but apparently whatever bra I had on was NOT a good idea, downward dog turned into downward boobs turned into I CAN NOT BREATH OVER HERE. Seriously the darn things kept coming out of the top of my bra.. why do these things happen to me? But that was over come and I just jiggled them back into place when I stood up. Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle.. ahhh come on you know the tune.
So here we are.. doing the table top.. easy peasy.. and I hear.. "Let's lift our right arm and our left leg and balance.. ok I got this. Let's gaze out to our right hand.. OMG OMG OMG OMG THERE IS A FOOT SOMEONE ELSE'S FOOT INCHES FROM MY FACE.. OMG OMG I AM GOING TO DIE IT IS A FOOT!!!! ABORT ABORT ABORT LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE.. DON'T GAZE AT THE HAND OMG IT'S A FOOT!!!!! (yea that happened) I am sure poor Christine who was beside me and then behind me when we were doing some other thing a majigger probably thought.. "Oh My God.. Becky, look at her butt. It's so big"... (why yes I do think in song lyrics a lot of the time) sorry Christine but at least it wasn't my foot. There were a few more times when feet came a bit to close to me but I managed through it by gazing here there and the other place. I think we should wear socks. I am not saying my feet are all that.. but feet in general just.. OMG!!!
Then there is the breathing thing. Breathe in on up.. breathe out on down.. breathe in .. breathe out.. wait I am not done breathing in, now I am breathing out on your in and I am trying to in half way through an out and not I am supposed to be outing now, wait now my boobs are covering my nose and I can't breathe at all. I'M DYING!!!
"Find your breath"
"Find it?? Lady you keep telling me where it is supposed to be and mine is over at bar across the street getting a drink! I think I will join it." I finally gave up trying to keep up with who was breathing in and out and when and where and decided that breathing out on in was more important than hyperventilating in class. I am assuming I was not the only one having an issue with the breathing thing because from somewhere behind me I could hear the huffing and puffing of a few people who quite obviously weren't sure where their breath was either.
I would go into when everyone ended up on their heads and hand their feet in the air, but there is no point because I was sitting on my butt in awe that they got their elbows on their knees.. I cant get my head on the floor with my knees on the ground much less my knees on my elbows. So we can just skip that. But I will mention that at one point my foot did slip on the gym mat not my mat and it did sound like I ripped one but either everyone realized my foot slipped or no one is like Deanna and I because let me tell you when someone ripped one in our old class we almost got thrown out because I looked at her after it happened. We had tears and all.
Finally it's the part I had been longing for savasana! The part I endured feet and nearly dying for! It was time for my favorite part! The part where you lay on your back and do nothing except listen to the instructor instruct you to do nothing. Ahhhhhh finally.
"Lay on your backs and relax your body.. feel your body's weight on the mat.... "
*my body weight on my mat is a lot of weight, was my body on this mat this heavy before.. my body doesn't all fit on the mat should I be all on the mat.. should I tuck my hands under my big butt.. OMG Becky look at her butt.. wait she said something else what did she say..*
"Feel your arms get heavy"
*my arms.. my arms ARE heavy have you seen my arms.. I could fly with these things why do I have to FEEL them get heavy I know they are heavy lady are you trying to tell me I need to lose weight to do yoga so I can purposely FEEL my arms get heavy because seriously they just are"
"Now clear your mind"
*WOOHOO FINALLY IT IS TIME. THINK OF NOTHING!"
"Let your mind relax into thinking of nothing"
*Lady.. your talking I am thinking about your voice I am thinking about you talking I am thinking about you telling me to think about nothing and by telling me to think about nothing aren't you telling me to think about something because in this sense nothing is something. So shouldn't you be telling me to be void of thought not think about nothing? And what is nothing really? Isn't it kinda the opposite of something therefore has to be something not just nothing? Crap I wasn't supposed to be thinking was I*
*nothing nothing nothing... did I shut the door when I left home? I wonder if the dogs are running around the neighborhood.. wait NOTHING. nothing nothing why is that person breathing so loud? Are they sick? I bet they are sick and we are all going to get the flu and die"
*OMG that dude coughed and broke my nothingness I was almost to nothing and he coughed and now I am not at nothing not even close OMG I bet he does have the flu.. maybe Ebola! Maybe Ebola is coming back and it is starting here! Or maybe he is coughing from all that weird breathing.. I bet I could cough too.*
*This music is nice, I wonder if she will tell me where she got it, I might like to read to this then I can think about what I am reading.. OMG NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING THINK ABOUT NOTHING!*
"Ok class gently come up to a seated position"
*NO WAIT I DIDN'T GET TO NOTHING YET!!! Drat. Well this will make for a GREAT blog post... The Art of Not Achieving Nothing.. I think I will write a book!*
I will say that I will try again and I did thoroughly enjoy the class and even if I did not achieve the nothing I did walk away feeling less tense and that in my life right now is a GREAT THING!
Off to find a better bra and socks for the whole class!
Have a great Monday peeps!
Love the President of the Pro Bailers