So you remember 17 days ago when I was so excited to have hit a 20 lb loss on the scale and I got right up and posted progress pics? Well that was 4/25.. you know in those photos above. Yesterday I went to the Y for the first time in weeks, I have been enjoying working outside and doing workouts outside so there has not been a chance, until my friend Kathryn invited me to join her for yoga. Let me just say Yoga is NOT my strong suit at all, I have the flexibility of an iron rod, I was embarrassed before I ever went (PS I am really good at restorative yoga... that I am a master of) but I made the choice to go and I called and made the reservation for my spot so i would not chicken out. I got there a few minutes early so I could get my spot somewhere I felt comfortable and to take a new progress pic that would match the rest. My thought was there will be little to no difference in the photo from 17 days ago, and then we began class.
The class was like no other yoga class I had ever taken. I felt STRONG doing it! My transitions were crap and of course I had to modify because my knees at this time don't want to bend all the way but the downward dog to planks to floor to cobra to plank to bear (that is the work out move no idea if it called that in yoga) to downward dog I rocked that like a boss! Just a few short months ago I started a yoga class (which I sadly stopped doing) and that crap was HARD... my shoulders could not hold a plank and when she said downward dog I usually wanted to cry and when she said hover in the bear I had to just give in because I physically could not do it. NEVER EVER have I been able to lower my body from plank to floor, my elbows and arms just could not support my weight on the down and it ended up being a THUD to the floor. Not yesterday my friends it was more.. I can't use the word graceful because i am not there yet.. controlled! That is a great word. My movements were more controlled and stabilized!
Which is also how I am feeling about life right now, that it is more controlled and stabilized. Much like my yoga class last night, this is as much a surprise to me as anyone! I have not been focusing on controlling or stabilizing my life, I have not been working at yoga, but when I stop and look at the progress I see how much stronger I am. I have been focusing on working out, eating right, getting outside as much as possible, not over extending myself, taking breaks as needed, talking to people, surrounding myself with people who support me, helping and supporting those that need it, the list goes on but no where did I ever say I am going to control and stabilize my life, I just wanted to be better. Like with the Yoga class I never said I was going to get better at Yoga, I just wanted to be physically better.
I am just short 12 days short of 3 months of changing my life, I am incredibly excited to see what it looks like when I say I am just 12 days short of a year. I am not going to sit here though and tell you it has all been easy, I had to change my own mind about some hard things. I am going to get super super personal here so please forgive me if I cry a little.
My first hard change was therapy. Yes I had been to therapy before, it didn't take, it didn't work, I was too drugged for it to sink it, I wasn't ready to do the work, I had one therapist that literally told me the problem was just me and to change, the list goes on and on as to why I not longer believed in therapy. My biggest was this, I talk to you guys EVERY MORNING, I talk about my problems and where I am, why am I going to pay good money for someone else to pry out of me what I already pour out. Well let me tell you, because a therapist doesn't just listen nodding, they actually work through bits of what is going on in your world or has gone in your world to help you change for the better! I didn't know that. (again to my therapist after De's accident I adore you, if you are reading this please know that you likely did just that, I just don't REMEMBER any of it) Any how, at the the beginning of this new life journey I had some dear friends explain to me what therapy really should be and helped me with recommendations and I now have a REALLY GREAT fit thanks to both of them. I can't thank you enough! It really changed my life, you literally saved someone's life, I hope you know that.
Second one, was medication, as you all know I have for years sported my I am not medicated badge like a boss. Well little did I know that you couldn't see the badge because I was so far deep into the mania or depression that no one saw that! All they saw was the sad madness of my life. I now take medication. I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a teenager, then at least three more times since. They didn't call it that back then but it was what it was, but it was one of those things that you just didn't talk about, "How dare you have something wrong with you mentally lets hide that shit." As life went on it didn't get any better, in fact a few times it was super bad. No one recognized the manic or depressive episodes for what they were. I was selfish, lazy, a problem, unreliable, the list goes on and on and on but had there not been such a stigma as to what was REALLY happening maybe I could have or would have sought treatment before I was 50. But here I am, working with a Dr who really listens and who I really like. There is no one size fits all here, it is going to take some trial and error but we are working on it. PS if you see me go off the rails in the next few weeks.. call my mom.. call Ed.. call someone, because we are adjusting things. This was a huge change I had to accept, that it is OK to take medicine, it doesn't mean you are broken, it means that you don't WANT to be broken, that you realize that a little boost is needed and that is ok!
Third and this is still a work in progress, that working out every day is not going to make you lose weight or get stronger. Don't get me wrong I do like to do something every day now, but that is not where the weight loss happens. Eating right every day is where you lose the weight. Not drinking a bottle of wine.. or two every night is where you lose the weight. Allowing yourself chips and salsa once a month not twice a week is where you lose the weight! I know I know.. this has been drilled into my head so many times but I just .. yea I just.. anyway here I am putting that knowledge into motion. I am not perfect and that is ok, because I am better! I am conscious about what I put in my mouth and that is so important. I also realize that while I don't have a planned work out every day, the hard work I put into the yard and our home is helping as well, I don't need a 3 hour work out every day to make this work, I only need to strive to be better than yesterday and the plan is coming together. I have also found that running every day is just painful right now, I run 3 to 4 times a week and that is feeling so much better and I am getting better at it! I know I am all over the place with this part, sorry, I said it is work in progress :) PS Thank you to my peoples for the support in this area.. you know who you are.. I could NOT do this without you. You are inspiration and hope (giggle) you are friendship.
My point to all of this is.. you CAN change your life! My suggestion isn't to look at it as I need to change my LIFE! Take a look at one thing you can do to make it better, in no way should it even closely resemble mine, maybe it is take a walk 4 times a week, before you know it you may be walking your first 5k. Maybe it is talk to someone, maybe it is get outside more. All of those things build up a foundation! They help you on your journey. You do not have to look at it as a whole, because that can be so overwhelming. When I started this journey of being better, I talked about my foundation of shaky rocks, I am still on those rocks but all of these little things have helped shore up those rocks and they don't feel so shaky anymore. Am I completely out of the hole? Absolutely not, there needs to be much more foundation but I am getting there. It isn't just all darkness anymore, and right now THAT is everything.
Signing off with this.. are you looking at a situation as a whole? Could you possibly not focus on the situation but tasks that may make the situation better?
Peace Love and Light