I get it some of you probably don't think that some of these songs or the lyrics of them match the post. They do.. in my own weird twisted way they do.
Yesterday was Deanna's birthday. Her 21st. What a milestone for the kid who decided she liked bourbon and beer at 2. You could NOT sit a drink down anywhere close to her. She would literally steal it and hide. No, no one gave it to her on purpose, no one tried to see if she would take it, we just turned around at a gathering one night and a friends cup was gone. She wasn't happy we took it from her either. I do imagine that I was very lucky through her teenage years, I know she snuck a sip or two and had one massive drinking fest (that I know of) but was safely at home, but she didn't go out partying every weekend.. oh who am I kidding.. any night they could, all week long each and every week from the time she was old enough to get out of the house.. like a very close blood relative did. I won't name any names to protect my innocence.
It was a milestone that I surely would have helped her celebrate. I would have been right there beside her as she plunked her ID on the bar and said.. Serve me, I am legal! I know she would have remembered to stick to one alcohol because she learned that horrible horrible lesson at the drinking fest, do NOT mix up a bunch of stuff. That's one of those hard lessons that every kid learns when they go behind their mom's and aunts back to have a little sip of this and that. I have no doubt that story would have been brought up, along with the 2 year old booze thief and probably how I knew it was her that was taking liberties with the frozen margaritas in the freezer. I am sure lots of stories would have been told.
They weren't. I am instead writing them on a blog. Writing them down for the internets to see. They are no longer silly little secrets between Mommy and De. They are really no longer important to anyone but me. I remember them. I remember the silliness of what was De.
I thought yesterday would be hard. No, I knew yesterday would be hard. It was. Her birthday falls just two days after a monthly angelversary so the entire weekend was pretty much a time bomb. I made sure that I wasn't at work, thankfully, because I lost it more than once. The thing I did not do was really make plans. I asked someone to be here. I was denied. Which is beyond hysterical because they were the one that kept saying.. MAKE PLANS.. GO DO SOMETHING.. POST ON FACEBOOK.. you dumbass, I did try to make plans. What I am thankful for was the light that it shined on a glaring issue. Just because someone is there for you once in the throws of a disaster does not mean they always will be there for you and it CERTAINLY does not give them the right to continuously say but I was there for you when, this weekend was this weekend, it wasn't then, the memories of them being there then didn't just magically make this weekend any better.
I am thankful that I got up on Saturday and rain 3 freezing cold miles with just a handful of badasses (or idiots.. I am not sure which), it actually gave me an accomplished feeling for getting out of bed when it was 20. I am thankful for the coffee we shared as friends afterwards. I am thankful that I was able to get in Hairoics, where I was treated by Jim and Sandy with love, neither of them even knew what the weekend was. They are just very good people and terrific customers, I am thankful that Kim could meet me for lunch on a few hours notice. I am thankful that Phyllis met me for a few drinks and apps when I realized I really needed company. I am thankful for Leslie would sent the text to meet her for a few more with the Truszs. Truszzees? Truszes? Truszss? oh forget it you get the point.
I am thankful for getting up yesterday morning and running 9 miles (ok it was 8.85 but that is close right) half of which was in a miserable rain. I am thankful for the people out there running it with me. I am thankful for Amanda being there at exactly the right moment. I am thankful that my mom called just to hear my voice. I am thankful that when I talked to my Daddy he knew exactly what I was doing and his response.. drink one for her for me too. I am thankful for the Trus... CHRIS AND KAMI, there that is easier, for being there at exactly noon to have a birthday drink served by the favorite bartender Brit. I am thankful for the nap.. the race.. the crappy TV movies. I am thankful for all of the messages, facebook posts, status updates, texts and emails.
But above all. I am thankful for that one friend who just out of the blue completely randomly said... say the word and I will be there. That one text opened my eyes to what love actually was. Love was what she did. Love was what all those other people did. Love is the random people who remembered her birthday and posted on her wall, commented on my status, took time out of their day to call, or text me asking me how I was or just saying I love you.
Today is actually worse than yesterday. My heart hurts. Her day has come and gone and she wasn't in it. Her day has come and gone and some people didn't remember. Her day has come and gone and life long friends of hers didn't post on her facebook. Her day has come and gone and the one person I asked to be here never asked.. are you ok? Her day has come and gone and neither of her brothers acknowledged it. Her day has come and gone and not a damn thing has changed, it still hurts.
You get in your own head ya know. You get in there and you make yourself believe that if you can just make it through to the day after it will be ok. It isn't. It is a lie. It's a lie we tell ourselves to make ourselves believe that some where at some time it is going to feel better. If it felt any better I wouldn't be sitting here typing this through tears. Her day has come and gone and I am still here and she is still gone.
I thank each of you that remembered. I thank each of you that acknowledged her.
As for me.. right now I am going to cry in my coffee and try to figure out where life goes from here.