So that video wasn't even a year ago, and all I can ask now is what the @#$%@#$# happened! Sometime in or around September I lost my shit.. totally lost it. Massive downward spiral into the great unknown of depression, suicidal thoughts, anger, hopelessness and many more emotions that don't deserve to even be acknowledged.
The below picture was September.. does this look like a depressed person to you??
BUT! I want that back, I need that back, I need to FEEL that again. If I don't get that back, I fear the worst. You know you have a deranged little brain when you actually fear your own death but that death would be something you had control over. That in no way is saying I am afraid of dying, I'm not. If I died today not exactly a huge deal for me, if I took myself out I fear I would just hate myself more, there is a difference in just dying and causing it, at least that is my take on it.
In chasing down a way to feel all of that again, George was found. You can go back here and read about George if you want. Yesterday there were better pictures taken of George and George is real, and he isn't something that will just go away like a cyst, oh no, George has to be dealt with. Which actually leads to more tests and figuring out what exactly to do and blah blah blah. George more than likely can't kill me, even that is not fully certain yet, but George can and has more than likely been a culprit of all the crap I have been feeling! Yay George aren't you a trooper.. Asshole. While I don't necessarily care about dying, I do care about how I feel until I die and I DO NOT want to feel like this! THIS IS HORRIBLE. This is tiring in it self. Just being so anxious, stressed, angry and depressed is enough to zap ALL of the energy out of someone. So as far as I am concerned George must go. Taking George away will eliminate an entire source of what may be making me feel this way. If I still feel the same after George's swift exit stage left, then I already know what the other path is and will be able to concentrate on working through that, but as long as George is around there will always be some thought that "If it weren't for George..." Enough of George he is boring me.
On to working out, I didn't yesterday, my fault kinda, busy busy busy day and I honestly took enough calm down pills to knock out a small mule and by the time I got home figured if I tried to lift anything over my head that it would probably hit me in the head and then I would have a concussion. It wasn't worth it. I know you are probably thinking why all the calm down pills, I am not really fond of being stuck in a small space, I wouldn't say I am EXTREMELY claustrophobic, but it a rather uncomfortable feeling. I also knew that me staying in one position for 30 minutes would be more difficult than the small space. Anyhoo.. calm down pills. I think the most depressing part of it all.. it felt like a coffin. It made me feel like this is what it feels like to be in a coffin, a normal person probably could have that thought and just shrug it off, me, nope. My brain, bless it's little heart, had to go to.. is this the way Deanna feels, does she feel like she is in a little box, please don't let that be the way she feels. I am glad I took the calm down pills, I don't think I could have stayed in there with those racing thoughts on repeat.
I named this post before I ever started typing, I do that a lot, today it is so very very very fitting.. lots and lots of babbling.
SOSO! It is a thing! Have you ever asked anyone how they were and they replied with "Oh So So." I have used that so many times in the past, doesn't mean good, doesn't mean bad, means something in between and that with one little push you could be in the good or bad region depending on the way that the shove came from. Me I am working towards SOSO! now all the time. "Stress On, Sweat Off, Sweat On, Stress Off! Yes I do in fact know that I am missing the second SOSO.. SOSOSOSO just seemed a bit much! So that is what I am doing now and I am going to continue to try to do until I get that above video/picture feeling back. SoSo! Sweat On Stress Off. Keep calm and SoSo On! (I will have to say this no less than 234234397 times tomorrow on my 17 mile hike.. at least the weather is going to be pretty)
One last thing before I go..
Love and happy weekend happenings to everyone!