Every time I say, type, or other wise hear the words "Turn Down" my brain instantly sings one of two phrases "Turn down for What!" or Madea's version.. "CALM DOWN FOR WHAT??" Which is truly much more suitable for me, and has been part of my daily routine lately, randomly screaming at people.. "Calm down for what??" I am serious, what exactly do I have to calm down for? But that is neither here nor there, but what you MAY hear today is"Turn that down!" and you may have to utter "Turn down for what!" if you didn't take my above advice about turning your computer down before clicking play, I give you this warning because coffee spilled in your lap is hot, and large and small dogs alike become overly excited when you accidentally have your system up and randomly click play. You have been warned.
So that video wasn't even a year ago, and all I can ask now is what the @#$%@#$# happened! Sometime in or around September I lost my shit.. totally lost it. Massive downward spiral into the great unknown of depression, suicidal thoughts, anger, hopelessness and many more emotions that don't deserve to even be acknowledged.
The below picture was September.. does this look like a depressed person to you??
So that video wasn't even a year ago, and all I can ask now is what the @#$%@#$# happened! Sometime in or around September I lost my shit.. totally lost it. Massive downward spiral into the great unknown of depression, suicidal thoughts, anger, hopelessness and many more emotions that don't deserve to even be acknowledged.
The below picture was September.. does this look like a depressed person to you??
The run away bridesmaid... she can never ever say that I just let her do it and didn't try to get her out of there!
or this one.. does this LOOK like someone who doesn't want to live anymore???
Just proof that I really do love the groom almost as much as the bride and I really would not have taken her away.
All of this is just so hard for me to look at.. here I am almost 4 months after those photos, lost any amount of hard work I had worked on since the video was taken, I am pale as a ghost and flabby as .. I can't think of anything flabby.. Ippy's thighs! (very few people reading this will even remember who Ippy was.. if any.. but she wasn't tiny by any means). It is frustrating and it will keep you in the endless loop of I am a failure.. I am hopeless.. there is no point. Just by looking in the mirror.
BUT! I want that back, I need that back, I need to FEEL that again. If I don't get that back, I fear the worst. You know you have a deranged little brain when you actually fear your own death but that death would be something you had control over. That in no way is saying I am afraid of dying, I'm not. If I died today not exactly a huge deal for me, if I took myself out I fear I would just hate myself more, there is a difference in just dying and causing it, at least that is my take on it.
In chasing down a way to feel all of that again, George was found. You can go back here and read about George if you want. Yesterday there were better pictures taken of George and George is real, and he isn't something that will just go away like a cyst, oh no, George has to be dealt with. Which actually leads to more tests and figuring out what exactly to do and blah blah blah. George more than likely can't kill me, even that is not fully certain yet, but George can and has more than likely been a culprit of all the crap I have been feeling! Yay George aren't you a trooper.. Asshole. While I don't necessarily care about dying, I do care about how I feel until I die and I DO NOT want to feel like this! THIS IS HORRIBLE. This is tiring in it self. Just being so anxious, stressed, angry and depressed is enough to zap ALL of the energy out of someone. So as far as I am concerned George must go. Taking George away will eliminate an entire source of what may be making me feel this way. If I still feel the same after George's swift exit stage left, then I already know what the other path is and will be able to concentrate on working through that, but as long as George is around there will always be some thought that "If it weren't for George..." Enough of George he is boring me.
On to working out, I didn't yesterday, my fault kinda, busy busy busy day and I honestly took enough calm down pills to knock out a small mule and by the time I got home figured if I tried to lift anything over my head that it would probably hit me in the head and then I would have a concussion. It wasn't worth it. I know you are probably thinking why all the calm down pills, I am not really fond of being stuck in a small space, I wouldn't say I am EXTREMELY claustrophobic, but it a rather uncomfortable feeling. I also knew that me staying in one position for 30 minutes would be more difficult than the small space. Anyhoo.. calm down pills. I think the most depressing part of it all.. it felt like a coffin. It made me feel like this is what it feels like to be in a coffin, a normal person probably could have that thought and just shrug it off, me, nope. My brain, bless it's little heart, had to go to.. is this the way Deanna feels, does she feel like she is in a little box, please don't let that be the way she feels. I am glad I took the calm down pills, I don't think I could have stayed in there with those racing thoughts on repeat.
I named this post before I ever started typing, I do that a lot, today it is so very very very fitting.. lots and lots of babbling.
SOSO! It is a thing! Have you ever asked anyone how they were and they replied with "Oh So So." I have used that so many times in the past, doesn't mean good, doesn't mean bad, means something in between and that with one little push you could be in the good or bad region depending on the way that the shove came from. Me I am working towards SOSO! now all the time. "Stress On, Sweat Off, Sweat On, Stress Off! Yes I do in fact know that I am missing the second SOSO.. SOSOSOSO just seemed a bit much! So that is what I am doing now and I am going to continue to try to do until I get that above video/picture feeling back. SoSo! Sweat On Stress Off. Keep calm and SoSo On! (I will have to say this no less than 234234397 times tomorrow on my 17 mile hike.. at least the weather is going to be pretty)
One last thing before I go..
BUT! I want that back, I need that back, I need to FEEL that again. If I don't get that back, I fear the worst. You know you have a deranged little brain when you actually fear your own death but that death would be something you had control over. That in no way is saying I am afraid of dying, I'm not. If I died today not exactly a huge deal for me, if I took myself out I fear I would just hate myself more, there is a difference in just dying and causing it, at least that is my take on it.
In chasing down a way to feel all of that again, George was found. You can go back here and read about George if you want. Yesterday there were better pictures taken of George and George is real, and he isn't something that will just go away like a cyst, oh no, George has to be dealt with. Which actually leads to more tests and figuring out what exactly to do and blah blah blah. George more than likely can't kill me, even that is not fully certain yet, but George can and has more than likely been a culprit of all the crap I have been feeling! Yay George aren't you a trooper.. Asshole. While I don't necessarily care about dying, I do care about how I feel until I die and I DO NOT want to feel like this! THIS IS HORRIBLE. This is tiring in it self. Just being so anxious, stressed, angry and depressed is enough to zap ALL of the energy out of someone. So as far as I am concerned George must go. Taking George away will eliminate an entire source of what may be making me feel this way. If I still feel the same after George's swift exit stage left, then I already know what the other path is and will be able to concentrate on working through that, but as long as George is around there will always be some thought that "If it weren't for George..." Enough of George he is boring me.
On to working out, I didn't yesterday, my fault kinda, busy busy busy day and I honestly took enough calm down pills to knock out a small mule and by the time I got home figured if I tried to lift anything over my head that it would probably hit me in the head and then I would have a concussion. It wasn't worth it. I know you are probably thinking why all the calm down pills, I am not really fond of being stuck in a small space, I wouldn't say I am EXTREMELY claustrophobic, but it a rather uncomfortable feeling. I also knew that me staying in one position for 30 minutes would be more difficult than the small space. Anyhoo.. calm down pills. I think the most depressing part of it all.. it felt like a coffin. It made me feel like this is what it feels like to be in a coffin, a normal person probably could have that thought and just shrug it off, me, nope. My brain, bless it's little heart, had to go to.. is this the way Deanna feels, does she feel like she is in a little box, please don't let that be the way she feels. I am glad I took the calm down pills, I don't think I could have stayed in there with those racing thoughts on repeat.
I named this post before I ever started typing, I do that a lot, today it is so very very very fitting.. lots and lots of babbling.
SOSO! It is a thing! Have you ever asked anyone how they were and they replied with "Oh So So." I have used that so many times in the past, doesn't mean good, doesn't mean bad, means something in between and that with one little push you could be in the good or bad region depending on the way that the shove came from. Me I am working towards SOSO! now all the time. "Stress On, Sweat Off, Sweat On, Stress Off! Yes I do in fact know that I am missing the second SOSO.. SOSOSOSO just seemed a bit much! So that is what I am doing now and I am going to continue to try to do until I get that above video/picture feeling back. SoSo! Sweat On Stress Off. Keep calm and SoSo On! (I will have to say this no less than 234234397 times tomorrow on my 17 mile hike.. at least the weather is going to be pretty)
One last thing before I go..
THAT'S NOT GEORGE!!! That is a Grandbean! I found out this week that I have a Grandbean that will be making it's debut in September. I am so excited for all of us. David and Mandi will make wonderful parents and this little baby will have it's own special guardian angel Auntie to always look over her. (yea we don't know that it is a her yet.. it just doesn't work for me) Now to come up with what it will call me before it comes out with something like... Bygar! (my poor grandmother.. I am so so sorry!)
Love and happy weekend happenings to everyone!
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Love and happy weekend happenings to everyone!
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