What a wonderful snowy weekend we had! Yes yes we all know I enjoy the snow and I very pointedly appointed the weekend anything goes and I enjoyed myself and my family. I am 100% ok with that and not beating myself up, because I made the decision before hand. It wasn't a just fall all down opps how did that happen? It was thought through and signed off on. Snow days don't count in the scheme of things. They are to be cherished and celebrated!


Today is a get it back on track day and will most definitely involve water, chicken  and Kale!


(Let's hope there are no more snow days in 2022 :))


I signed up for 3 of my races yesterday and I am looking forward to each of them! While I am not fast I feel much more prepared at this time that I have in quite awhile. The physical act of signing up was what made them all the more real. These things are happening with or without my preparation, so it is definitely time to prepare.


Last week  was given an assignment and that was to skim through 2 books from our class and grab an idea and bring it to class.

The first book that I really thought I was going to like I ended up disliking. It was one of those books that asks a question and then gives you like a paragraph in response. Questions like "What is the different in Keto and Paleo?" It would go on to give the answer but at the very end would throw a little jab in there like.. but neither are good for you. "Will you lose weight on Keto?" The answer was Probably, but... I just can't get into a book that had so much negative opinionated answers in it.  It was so full of yes buts I never did fully grasp what type of eating or plan they supported. This is something I believe.. there is no one right plan for anyone.. just like religion or politics I am not going to knock what you have found to be right for you.. because I am me and we certainly don't wear the same size jeans so how could I be the one saying "Your jeans don't fit right"

What did I find in book two. It was a 10 minutes to a better you type book. I liked the lay out it had photos and exercises that were grouped together nicely. I am going to happily hand this book on to my mom as I think she could find some useful sets and they are very well illustrated so easier to follow along than just the words of  raise your left foot behind your right shoulder and wiggle your fingers. But again the book was not for me. There were so many 10 sets of doings that it was overwhelming to me.  Do this 10 minutes to flatten your stomach, do this 10 minutes to destress, do this 10 minutes for a nicer bum.. you get the point... by the point I was done flipping through the book I had enough 10 minutes to take up 3 hours and that wasn't helping me at all.


I did learn through reading these books that I do like and believe in my plan. The "diet" I follow and my work out schedule work for me when I work the plan I just need to dig deep and get it done.


Hope you enjoyed the snow as much as I did!


Peace Love and Light


Re

Happy Wednesday Everyone!


I want to start by saying that I don't think the person who made snarky comments on Monday is a jerk, I am erring on the side of caution here because I do see them interact with others and they always seem completely delightful. I am going to make a guess that they are just amazingly in denial about what their words do to others. What one thinks is a little funny quip they threw out there another thinks it is a dagger slung at them and I think this is where this person and I are. I have debated and I will be addressing the issue so that hopefully it doesn't happen to me or anyone else again. Moving right along....


Yesterday, today and Friday are double workout days for me this week. It is definitely time to stop playing around and get ready for these races I have coming up. My goal isn't to just complete these races but to actual do well in them. (well for me... I am not out here competing with anyone else) I would like to really improve on the times and what that is going to take is commitment to the gym and commitment to my plate. I sat here yesterday and ran through all of these scenarios as to how to beat the plate into submission, what if I did, oh I know maybe, How about if I.... and the plain simple truth of the matter is I have to stop eating like everyone else around me and eat like I need to for my own body. If only I didn't like the things that are so bad for me, cakes, cookies, pasta, carbs... just give me all of the carbs. Some people can eat them and not put on an ounce, like Ed and my Dad, and believe me both of them want carbs on their plates, so it is right there staring me in the face!  I know that some of you may be reading this and thinking "for pete's sake Re.. just eat the dang cake.. life is short you don't HAVE to lose weight" Oh but I do. I don't love myself in this body and that is my right, my problem is I am too damn destructive to myself to follow through with the work.


What am I getting at there? I read something last night that stopped me in my tracks completely. (that is hard to do these days by the way) Over eating is a way of self harm.

Insert of definition
Self-harm is when you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences. Some people have described self-harm as a way to:

• express something that is hard to put into words
• turn invisible thoughts or feelings into something visible
• change emotional pain into physical pain
• reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
• have a sense of being in control
• escape traumatic memories
• have something in life that they can rely on
• punish themselves for their feelings and experiences
• stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated

And THIS is why I keep falling into the trap of food and alcohol.. you know that warm fuzzy blanket that DULLS ALL THAT SHIT I AM FEELING!!! I can walk through this list right now and go check check check check check that is EXACTLY what I am doing when I over eat or drink and I have been doing it for 9 years.


I was looking back through photos the other day of my friendship with Amanda and the only time I actually looked healthy was the year prior to the accident. I had been working hard in the gym and at bootcamp, I was taking the steps needed to eat right, I wasn't drinking every time I turned around. I was actually in a place of self love and not self hatred.


The key now is to find what exactly will break those habits, how do I face the emotions and all of the feelings without the fuzzy blankets of self harm. If there was just some magic wand that would shift my desires of a beer and a cookie (not at the same time.. gross) to a mile run. I still feel deep down inside that I have stayed rooted in my fat suit because I don't deserve to be anything other than fat and miserable. Crazy right? Somehow I have to find the path back to self love.


Those are my words of enlightenment today... sorry if it leads to more questions than answers but that is exactly where I am right now. So many how can Is floating around in my head.. yea yea yea I know.. Nike.. Just do it.


Peace Love and Light

Re

Well here we are on day two. Yesterday was a trying day in many ways.


It all started with a scan.. a simple scan that showed me nothing different than I already knew. It basically said the following:

1. I am moderately hydrated in that I have drank some water but not enough water to be well hydrated, I pulled my water bottle out it is sitting here for today.

2. I have pretty good muscle mass. I am not surprised there. I mean it could always be higher but it was a good solid number.

3. I'm fat... well duh. I knew that, it was why I signed up for the class to start with. The scan said I need to lose 84 lbs. again not surprised by that number it is right in line with what I thought.


So where did it all go wrong you wonder? From one statement.


"well aren't you just a major health risk."


Wait.. what??

I mean yea I know that I am not as healthy as I should be but I am out here putting in the work. I hit the gym 3 days a week and my peloton the other two. I work hard when I am there even when I am frustrated with myself I put in the work. I get what the paper says, I am not shocked at what the paper says, but what YOU said... not cool... not cool at all.


I was so put off by the comment, especially when it had no follow up of, but we will get you through this, or we will work on this, or we are here to help. It was nothing but a snarky hurtful comment. Do I think they meant it to be hurtful, no it is doubtful, the person doesn't appear to be that kind... I think it was just them underestimating how impactful their words can be. Not everyone responds to negative talk.


So what did I do with it.. nothing. After the initial dumbfounding reaction and a quick vent session about it, I went to the class later yesterday afternoon. And guess what.... it happened again!!! Another back handed comment about my scan, this time in front of ten other people. I was livid!!!! Had I not committed to the class with two other people I would not have gone back to for class two, I am actually pretty sure I would have walked out that second. I left class with a very crappy feeling, about myself, about my abilities, and about where I was in my journey... and I wanted a damn cheeseburger and fries.


I ended up having another vent session about how and where I was with the whole thing and I coming away with a different attitude about it and I am taking a different approach than walking away, it will come to light as the weeks go on, but as I sat last night with those words ringing in my head and being so very angry about it, I got to thinking. Why am I so mad that someone would say those words to me? Granted keep in mind I played the I'm tough card "it's ok that they said that to me but what if they said it to someone else"to start with. You know what it is not ok for them to have used those words without follow up to anyone, period. So why do I allow someone else to talk to me that way... that someone else is ME!


There is a continuous running banter in my head that I am worthless, I am fat, I am pathetic, I am not a good person, I am ugly, I am weak... on and on and on and on and on. Frankly what this outside person said to me was MILD in comparison with this volcanic on slaught of nasty comments I give myself. I know I am not the only one out there that does this, and people, my friends, my family, my loves.... we MUST STOP.


I know I for one don't deal with negative comments well, see the cheeseburger from above, I dive head first into all the things and all the vices and I cover up with food and alcohol like a nice fuzzy warm blankie and stay there, only coming out long enough to work out so that I can pretend I am doing something. Those workouts aren't enough. I need to face some hard truths again about myself and the handle I need to get on things, and that is not a handle of vodka, even though I wish that it were.


I'm not built like other people, then again are any of us? My pendulum swings wildly from one side to the other, I don't have a full grasp on middle ground, I don't know that I ever will, but I absolutely have got to stop allowing negativity, sadness, and anger to swing my pendulum to the wrong side of the tracks and allowing it to get stuck there.


So here's to day two... what change did I make today?

I am already a bottle of water in before 7 am.

I dumped my coffee out because I had used creamer.. the bad kind.. and remade it with the good stuff, why I keep reverting to that sugary shit is beyond me.. oh wait see my fuzzy blankie above.

I have added an extra class in at the Y this week and an additional Peloton ride.

I did my morning stretch that I was assigned in class.

And last but not least.. I finished my journal assignment.


I have goals.. big ones for a woman of 50... but I kid you not I will turn this around.


Peace Love and Light

Re

Monday... a good a day to start over as any. I mean it is just an arbitrary day of the week, but I think we as a people hang a lot of weight on Mondays. Good weight and bad, who else spends most of Sunday dreading Monday? I know I do, why, because the alarm clock is set. Now keep in mind when it is not set I am usually awake and up before the sun but that is ok simply because I am awake because I want to be, not because I have to be. But alas here I am, up with the chickens writing about how this week is going to be a start over.


Why am I writing about it instead of just doing it? Because I have yet to succeed unless I am writing about it, as soon as I stop writing it all goes to hell. I hit a bump fall of the wagon and it runs over me and continues to loop around bumping over me repeatedly! When that happens I don't have the strength to even get out of it's way, or even my OWN way. So I do all of the crappy things that continue to keep me rooted in this fat suit I got going on. Please don't tell me to love myself and my body, because I absolutely do not love it and I honesty don't love my out of control self either. So it is time to reel a lot of crap back in and focus on my goals and not how badly I have messed up.... again.


I find that in writing I hold myself more accountable. Not only to a way of eating, but exercise routines, limiting alcohol, and must importantly to how I am feeling. It is so easy when I am not writing to just hide behind a cheese burger or a few beers than to face what is actually going on. And what has been going on is that I have really been in a crap place again. (I know you are not surprised) I am not at the bottom of the hole but I did fall back into it and have been holding on to the rope for dear life, I just have not had the energy to pull back up so I am have been just hanging around somewhere between the sunlight and rock bottom, but if I keep hanging around where I am now I am going to end up on a My 600lb life and Intervention crossover event.


Wishing you Peace Love and Light on this random Monday.


Re

Good Morning from Mathews my Loves,
 
I am sitting here this morning utterly grateful. Last night was the very first of holiday’s meals and I will not in anyway minimize how incredibly hard that was without our Aunt Ann. When it came to holiday gatherings she was the absolute best, well maybe never on time but still the best.
 
I won’t deny that I was worried yesterday that the evening may be incredibly sad, I was worried for my dear cousins, and my incredible Darly John, that this dinner may be too soon, too much…  but what met me at the door when I entered her home, was not sadness at all but I was met with Aunt Ann.
 
As I looked around and saw our family still gathering around her table, laughing in her kitchen, watching football, and kids flying in and out I knew that she was not missing, she was right there being the glue to our family she always was. You see Aunt Ann taught us many many many things, but one of the greatest was that we are a family and no matter what we come together, we break bread and we rejoice in having each other. Many people have come and gone from her table over the years as they needed, and I am so blessed to have had her teach us about the power of giving and sharing what we do have, but there is something special about that foundation of family that remains, they aren’t simply my cousins, aunt and uncle. They are so much closer and more than that… there is no word really, I may need to come up with one, even siblings does it a disservice. It is for those people that I am so grateful.
 
Renee… hats of to you! I promise you that Aunt Ann was incredibly proud of that dinner last night. Every last bite, you put in your love and it was delicious, even that stuffing you were so worried about was amazing. I definitely need to hit the gym this week hard! But I just want you to know I see you and I am so proud!
 
To the special angel that left gifts of peace around .. I see you too! Thank you for being amazing and so thoughtful! The peace will be cherished.
 
To all of the rest, I love you, and I am so blessed you are my family, thank you for being you.. for being Aunt Ann.. as she left herself in each of our hearts to continue her works.
 
This time of year is hard, I won’t lie, it always is for me. Today I am ok, I was asked last night and last night I was ok, and I am serious about that, I truly am OK right this minute and I am hopeful that this holiday season I will continue to be just that, because ok is better than the past 10 years.
 
I just want to take another minute here, to my friend who’s husband has been gone a year, my sister in law who recently lost her son, the family of the child who lost his life this week, my family who lost Langley, my cousins and friends who have lost their children, my friend who lost her dad this year, to even my immediate family who still struggle over the loss of Deanna and Little Dustin … I could go on and on and never finish this list, just know that I see you.. I feel you.. and most of all I wish for you to have a moment so powerful that you know without a doubt your loved one is right there with you…. A moment as I experienced last night.
 
I love and miss you Aunt Ann!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

WHAT AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE!
 
Yesterday was Veteran’s day as we all obviously know, what you may not know is that it is a special day to me. It’s my sweet Pansy Boy’s birthday and I always reflect on our relationship, who he was to me, who he still is, and ultimately what could I have done differently to save him. The answer there is absolutely nothing. He was determined that it was his time to go and I know with all of my being that he is 100% now and no longer in the pain that he had suffered most of his life. Much like a celebrity he was able to be beautiful and smile on the outside when his inside was torn in a million pieces, few of us got to see that side of him and I am grateful that I was one of those people he trusted with his heart.  I still miss you my friend and would still absolutely live in a card board box for you. Fly high and hug my babies for me.
 
I was going to work yesterday just because why not, but at the last minute I said “NO… I am going to be like everyone else and take the day and it is going to be a ME DAY.” I left home bright and early and did things I have not done in months, I went and did a spa treatment and tanned, I had my nails done, took off to Mexican alone (yea yea yea I know not on the plan but hold tight), had my hair done, scrolled through little Deanna’s sprinkles of love,  started the most amazing book, came home snuggled my puppies, got fancied up (at least for me) then capped the day off by joining my family in celebrating my uncle’s 35 years of service  to our local American Legion post.
 
It was a full, beautiful, peaceful day that my soul needed! I am going to dig into a few of those things, because they deserve it.
 
Let’s start with me getting Mexican. It’s just one of my favorite things and lately I have been craving it but pushing the want back until a special time. Yesterday seemed like the perfect time to just go for it. As I sat there enjoying my chips and IPA (read scarfing down chips like they weren’t going to make anymore) this absolutely beautiful being popped into the seat across from me said says “HI!!!” I think a chip was mid air. Who should walk in but my accountability partner! Seriously not even joking. I quickly said that it was a Me day and I was going to enjoy these chips and braced myself for the shame that was surely coming. It didn’t. She looked right at me and said “Girl ENJOY your day!” We chatted a few minutes about every day life and struggles of missing loved ones and parted ways. Not once did I feel judged, shamed, or any other uncomfortable food feeling that in my experience comes with being “caught” eating something not on plan. Want to know what happened next? I ate maybe 2 more chips, picked at my fajitas (brough much of it home) and felt wonderful about it. Just seeing her for a minute made me take inventory of what I was doing, not because I was shamed but because I knew I could enjoy this meal but didn’t have to fully stuff myself. I didn’t have that horrible feeling that sometimes comes with eating, I didn’t have to bury or stuff down anything in buckets of chips and salsa. I walked out feeling satisfied and extreme amounts of love. Thank you my dear friend for making my lunch amazing.
 
For the wind up of the wonderful day I met my family and together we celebrated Darly John’s service to not only our country but also our county, in doing so we heard the most amazing gentleman speak of his experiences. This dear man was 100 years old and just as spry and on point as I am at half his age, in fact he may be more so! We laughed, we sat in awe, we enjoyed, and while he was wishing he had more time to speak I know I for one was wishing he did too. He was most definitely one of those people that you could listen to all day and never say a word. As the evening wore on and I looked around the table at the people I love and who love me, then to the room of gentleman who put it all on the line for our country, I was over come with emotion and had to hold back tears as Taps played on in the background, not due to sadness, but from an amazing feeling of belonging, understanding, and love.
 
For you today I wish you a day as wonderful and as peaceful as mine yesterday.

Opps I did it again… I played with my heart.. got lost in the past…
 
Good Morning beautiful humans!
 
First I would like to say THANK YOU so very much for the wonderful words of encouragement yesterday, as always you know how to pick a girl up. I love you all and your support does mean so much.
 
Secondly lets talk about what that was, I mean other than a shit show, it was me once again getting overwhelmed in a situation and as soon as I do, that old “friend” of mine peeks back in the door to see if I am vulnerable enough for him to sneak in. Yesterday I was.
Past Trauma is no joke, and it will fight and battle and push and shove anyway it can to stay in your life. It’s like that stalkerish ex.. the one that just refuses to believe you are done with them and they keep trying. You know the one.. you go two months and all of a sudden at 2 am you get a text that says “Hi I miss you” yea.. NO!
 
It's very easy to ignore that text from the ex but that trauma.. that is a cat of a different color. They will be all up in your living room having dessert with your family before you know what happened. Which is exactly what happened yesterday, that sneaky snake waltzed right in and I let him.
 
Monday was some what of a trying day, the reasons don’t really matter, something hurtful was said and unfortunately it is not a situation where I can say “Hey stop that… that is very hurtful” but instead of taking it like a grain of sand I let that thing build and build and build until I had a pearl the size of medium size sedan and it was crushing me. Instead of just sitting there with a sedan on my chest I let it all out in my words, I cried, I talked to someone close to me, and then I shoved that thing off the best I could and went and worked out.
 
As I stood there in the gym with all the mirrors, I wanted to run, leave the building, heck leave the state (is there a state I have not tried yet) because once again I felt like I didn’t fit in with all of the fit bodies around me. I stopped.. took a deep breath and picked up my weights.
 
By the time the work out was over I felt better, I felt more like the past was back where it belonged, and I felt stronger. I reread your comments and stood even taller.
 
The bottom line is the past is the past and as much as we may want it to change, it’s not going to. I have dealt with this particular piece of the past time and time again and will no doubt have to face it many more times but each time I am stronger than I was the time before and thankfully I have been able to pretty quickly identify what is happening before I am wayyyyy down the rabbit hole.
 
One of the things that I need a constant reminder of is, “I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I am no longer where I was and I am still fighting every day to be better” and that in of itself is the key to life.
 
May your day be full of reminders that you are not the past.
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Good Morning my loves.
 
Struggle training coming through… choooo chooooo! Or is it chew chew… either way is fitting.
 
Not sure what it is going to take here.. and it is annoying. Every night I go to bed and think to myself “JUST STOP EATING LIKE A PIG!” sometimes it is nicer words like, “Why don’t you try xyz” but the jest is the same which is do something about your eating or nothing you do is going to matter.
I have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food. Example… yesterday while at lunch my dad says “You lost that 40 pounds yet?” I look at my plate shrug and just say “I think I am just supposed to be fat”. Why such a crappy response from me.. on my plate is literally half of the amount he ate and still he is sitting there like a bean pole and I look like a pole alright.. the North Pole.. like all of it.
 
And that set my day.. mind whirling about how I can fix me, or should I just say screw it I have been this way for 90% of my life, I am never going to be thin enough that they stop asking if I have lost 123 yet and at this point I am old so even if you lose the weight, which you probably won’t you will be smaller, not thin, but still old.
 
Positivity has left the building today .. sorry.. it happens.
 
Being fat is an embarrassment, not only to me, but my family and yet… here I am. Still have not lost 40 pounds, still have the belly that you wished I would lose that I had in the Spartan photo, still worry every damn flight I take that I am going to spill all over into the seat beside me, I still hear you on repeat saying “you look like you are training” in your sarcastic tone.
 
I have at a minimum of 80 pounds to lose.. 80.. yesterday as I was driving home from a trying day I found myself wishing I would get sick so I could lose the weight. Something is so wrong with that. How can you hate yourself so much that would risk dying to be thin but you can’t seem to manage just to eat chicken and spinach for a year to get you where you should be?
 
Today.. right this minute, I am mad. I can’t stand where I am in this fat suit of a body. I can’t stand that I can’t just figure this out once and for all.
 
I’m mad for the little girl who never felt she was enough and I am mad for the grown up who is still struggling with the same issues.
 
Here’s to hoping you are in a much more peaceful place than I today.
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Happy Friday my loves!
 
We made it! It’s almost the weekend. (sorry restaurant fam)
 
Now the question that lies in front of me is… WHAT TO DO WITH IT?
 
Some how two weekends in a row we ended up with no real plans. I am not complaining at all, quiet time is fun too, but I think I really want to do something… the question is WHAT?
We wanted to spend a day in Richmond at some point but it seems utterly stupid for Ed to come home to go back to come home to go back that is a lot of road time!
 
I would get out the handy dandy leaf blower but that is satisfying for about 10 minutes and a puff of air comes along and you can’t tell I did anything.
Maybe I will do that anyway so things don’t pile up… see what I did there.
 
Maybe I will just curl up with a good book.. I have several I am reading.
 
Maybe I will go for a nice long walk/jog.
 
Maybe I won’t do a darn thing!
 
Maybe I will spend an hour or two pondering over why I only lost 3 pounds.. and why I still say I ONLY when anything is better than nothing.
 
Maybe I will make a pot of chili!
 
Oh I know.. I can pick up that knitting project.
 
Can you tell I get a little floundery when I don’t have a plan? I feel like I am forgetting something.. that I am supposed to be somewhere doing something because .. well because I always am!
I am not against doing the nothings… I just am not very good at the nothings…. I mean all of those things are somethings.. but they feel like nothings.
 
Now that I have fully Dr. Suessed your Friday morning…. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND???
 
Oh and if anyone thinks of what it is that I am SUPPOSED to be doing this weekend.. will you please let me know… cause it really feels like I have forgotten something!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Good Morning beautiful people.
 
Today I am going to talk about something super personal. I toyed with the idea of sharing this earlier this week and found that it may be too personal for me to even share, but it has continued to weigh on my mind and I knew that I needed to write about it.
 
What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life?
 
For me it is obvious that losing the kids ranked all the way at the top, but what I did next ranked a very very very close second. I held on to all of the pain.
 
Grieving to me was self-torment. Grief meant sadness, heartache, regret, quilt, loss… you can continue with the list if you would like but I think that you get the picture.
Nearly every time I thought of Deanna or Little Dustin it was with so much negative grief that it was like losing them over and over and over, the pain even all these years later was raw and excruciating. If I remembered a happy time before the day was over I was full of absolute torment over everything I ever did wrong, and I do mean EVERYTHING. This cycle grounded me and pretty much buried me in just utter heartache.
 
The other night before it got cold I was sitting outside on the deck alone with the puppies, looking at the stars and the sliver of moon and just looked up and said “TAKE IT! Take all of this, take the regret, take the guilt, take the sadness, TAKE IT ALL. Let me grieve but by remembering the happy times, let me remember the kids playing in the pool, or road trips we took, or snuggling down to watch a movie, let me remember the GOOD THINGS we did together, and while you are at it.. let me LIVE in those times with my boys, let me not be regretful or guilty about choices I made 25 years ago, I am not even CLOSE to that person today.” Then I sat there… one would think I would have cried, I didn’t. I sat there and tried to remember why I felt so guilty and was full of so much regret all of these years and I really couldn’t put my finger on it.  I think we all have a normal amount of these emotions we feel, we could have and we should have but mine was on serious over drive.
 
I have no doubt that there is someone reading this right now thinking, “you should feel bad.” I can almost bet I could name them… but here is the thing. You don’t know me, you don’t know the situations, you don’t know why choices and decisions were made, and you know what.. for the first time in my life I don’t care what you think. And that is all I am going to say on that.
 
Let me talk about how I feel now. I am no dummy, I know that pleading to the stars isn’t a fix all, but it is  a good and healthy start. Since that night I have not had any of the bad feelings move in, but when they do I now have a weapon, I can exclaim “I RELEASED YOU.. YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE UPPER HAND IN MY LIFE”  
 
And this my friends is the third hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Letting go of all of the crappy thoughts I have believed about myself for so long, letting go of pain I felt I deserved, facing that letting go of the heartache isn’t letting go of the kids, allowing myself to finally believe I am more than just all of that negativity.
 
I am not sure where exactly I am headed from here but I know it won’t be living in those dreadful places I have rooted myself for years.
 
Here’s to the moon and stars.
 
Peace Love and Light